If you are a boss/management at your work read this.

[Sluggo]

Do you have trouble turning off your "boss mode" when you leave work? Or does it tend to seep into other areas of your life?

My wife has threatened me one more than one occasion if I continue to give her "orders" instead of requests, but it all seems the same to me. I get so used to assessing a situation, seeing who is around, and then handing out jobs, duties and a timeline to whoever is available, it works really well at work, not so well at home.

I can call home on my way home and say something like "There is a steak in the freezer go ahead and defrost that, and get the dishwasher cleaned out, and we can be sitting down to eat at 7, be on our way to X's house by 7:45." I get home later and she is still fuming mad (and of course not done any steak defrosting) for me giving instructions, instead of asking.

Even vendors that I visit during the day, I will start to give them instructions if I see someting that needs to be done, and I'm sure they hate me for it.

Am I alone in this horrible affliction?

 

[PsychoAndy]

I've been known to say the same. Having a direction actually followed is a different story though.

What do you do?

-PAB

 

[djheater]

No.....

I'm not a boss but I am often misunderstood to be condescending, pedantic or patroizing..... that is never my intention (wellll.... maybe sometimes ...)

I see a situation and it's resolution and speak freely about what I think of it.... it's gotten me farther than it's held me back.... that's for sure.... i don't often have the time, energy or patience to couch my idea more gently for the sake of someone else's ego... I expect the same treatment from others.... that's just me...

 

[Gonad the Barbarian]

She ought to kick you in the balls for talking to her like that.

 

[Brutuskend]

Well I don't do that...but then I don't have a wife....and I'm a VERY easy going manager...

 

[Freejack2]

I think you need to shift out of management mode when you leave work. Calling home and saying "There is a steak in the freezer go ahead and defrost that, and get the dishwasher cleaned out, and we can be sitting down to eat at 7, be on our way to X's house by 7:45." Is going to piss off your wife. Amazing though how a little politeness and non-ordering around works so much better... "There is a steak in the freezer if you can please go ahead and defrost that, I'll cook it when I get home, If you can get the dishwasher cleaned out, I think we can be sitting down to eat at 7 and be on our way to X's house by 7:45. That sound good to you?"
People may expect to be ordered to do stuff at work but they don't like it at home. Your wife does love you though (at least I hope she does), so if you ask her nicely she'll do these things you ask without a problem, but she does not want to be ordered around.

 

[Ranger]

I (used to) go on the road with 20-30 people for 8 years (87-95) and be the boss
I wasn't stupid enough to order my wife to do anything...ever...
wait did i say ever...
wait...did i say the wife was the boss at home
Andy

 

[Squisher]

My wife is a boss, but she was bossing me around long before she ever had a job.






Infact, I tell her that 18 yrs. of marrige was just training for present occupation.

 

[tcsenter]

I gave one of my last supervisors a lesson in how to give instruction and how not to give instruction. He was always barking orders at people and talking down to them. He would even threaten people from time to time if they gave him any smart ass response, which is easy to do when someone talks down to you abusively like that.

We rolled around a little in the breakroom, knocked over a few tables and chairs. I walked away with a fractured cheek bone and he walked away with a fat lip and some lose front teeth. Seemed to have an effect, though, he was really nice to me after that. haha

 

[Moonbeam]

Obviously you've been reading too much Moonbeam and have begun to suspect that you may ever so slightly imperfect, maybe, that is.

I have a simple answer for people like you sluggo, and there's lots of you. "Anything you see needs doing, you do it"

But I think I know the cure for you. It's your name. "Sluggo" Uh uh uhh, it just reeks of a bossy pugnacious character. You need to change it to something more appropriate to the purpose of breaking that hard nosed ego. PinkFancy might be OK. Lets see. How about FeatherDuster. Pussywhipped, your wife might like that one. GoSlug, nah, no beneficial psychological overtones. You could go for pushpa, that's Sanskrit for flower but only you and I have to know. Mommy's Boy would be good.

On a more serious side, this could turn into a real marital situation, and you would be in a better place to sense it, except that familiarity can distort judgment at times. Maybe you can try and look behind the phenomenon and try to see what's driving it. Who was like that in your family when you were growing up. What was that dynamic. How did you fit in. Etc. The one thing that is most troubling to me about that is that it's a kind of behavior that prevents other people from developing. You do everybody?s thinking for them and they can never take initiative. Why do you have to be somewhere at a particular time. Get in the car with your wife and do something spontaneous and unplanned.

Mostly though, figuring out that you may engage in a behavior that is strategically maladaptive is a big percent to the battle. You got to see it before you're willing to consider changing.

 

[Sluggo]

Originally posted by: tcsenter
I gave one of my last supervisors a lesson in how to give instruction and how not to give instruction. He was always barking orders at people and talking down to them. He would even threaten people from time to time if they gave him any smart ass response, which is easy to do when someone talks down to you abusively like that.

We rolled around a little in the breakroom, knocked over a few tables and chairs. I walked away with a fractured cheek bone and he walked away with a fat lip and some lose front teeth. Seemed to have an effect, though, he was really nice to me after that. haha

I have already had fisticuffs at work this year, back in January. He got carried off the jobsite and went to the hospital, I havent had much lip from people since then.

 

[jhu]

you need some downers. take some alcohol

 

[PowerEngineer]

Actually my wife's (former) occupation -- 3rd grade teacher -- is the one that's seeped into out relationship. She's the one who seems to believe that I need continual instructions and reminders to keep me on task, and she never fails to make sure I have enough to occupy me before she leaves the house. It's so blatant at times that even she realizes it when I point it out to her...but even after several years she still does it. Not that I haven't learned to filter most of it out.

 

[Aquaman]

Originally posted by: Gonad the Barbarian
She ought to kick you in the balls for talking to her like that.

Your lucky she has not kicked you in the balls yet

Cheers,
Aquaman

 

[Sluggo]

Originally posted by: Moonbeam
Obviously you've been reading too much Moonbeam and have begun to suspect that you may ever so slightly imperfect, maybe, that is.

I have a simple answer for people like you sluggo, and there's lots of you. "Anything you see needs doing, you do it"

But I think I know the cure for you. It's your name. "Sluggo" Uh uh uhh, it just reeks of a bossy pugnacious character. You need to change it to something more appropriate to the purpose of breaking that hard nosed ego. PinkFancy might be OK. Lets see. How about FeatherDuster. Pussywhipped, your wife might like that one. GoSlug, nah, no beneficial psychological overtones. You could go for pushpa, that's Sanskrit for flower but only you and I have to know. Mommy's Boy would be good.

On a more serious side, this could turn into a real marital situation, and you would be in a better place to sense it, except that familiarity can distort judgment at times. Maybe you can try and look behind the phenomenon and try to see what's driving it. Who was like that in your family when you were growing up. What was that dynamic. How did you fit in. Etc. The one thing that is most troubling to me about that is that it's a kind of behavior that prevents other people from developing. You do everybody?s thinking for them and they can never take initiative. Why do you have to be somewhere at a particular time. Get in the car with your wife and do something spontaneous and unplanned.

Mostly though, figuring out that you may engage in a behavior that is strategically maladaptive is a big percent to the battle. You got to see it before you're willing to consider changing.

Me....imperfect....NAH.

Who in my family was like that? Well my father of course, who is my boss at work and most everywhere else. And true to some theorums of psychology, I have turned into a carbon copy of my father, and of course married a carbon copy of my Mother.

Most people have already noticed the glaring similarities in my father and I, which when all things are considered isnt a bad thing. Although my father is older and wiser than I am, and more patient (see my above post) we still exhibit most of the same personality traits.

When he says jump, I jump, wonder if I did it correctly, and seek his approval, which of course is the reaction I seek when making demands of people around me. And yes my Mother has a problem with my Dad bossing around, and my wife has trouble with me bossing around, all the while things at work run like a well oiled machine.

But as I get older and think I am wiser, the young pup constantly seeks to challenge the alpha dog, and eventually, if not through physical prowess, through sheer determination, the young pup shall gain control of all the alpha dog loses.

I know the problem, I know most of the solutions, but I suffer as most people do, not willing or able to take my own sage advice.

 

[tcsenter]

I have already had fisticuffs at work this year, back in January. He got carried off the jobsite and went to the hospital, I havent had much lip from people since then.

Its only a matter of time. This guy thought he was pretty hot sh-t, too, rambling about his Friday night bar fights, until I tossed his ass, 40lb heavier than I, over a table.

It's only a matter of time until you cross someone who will make all your previous disputes irrelevant. Better enjoy it while you can. hahah

 

[Sluggo]

Originally posted by: tcsenter

I have already had fisticuffs at work this year, back in January. He got carried off the jobsite and went to the hospital, I havent had much lip from people since then.

Its only a matter of time. This guy thought he was pretty hot sh-t, too, rambling about his Friday night bar fights, until I tossed his ass, 40lb heavier than I, over a table.

It's only a matter of time until you cross someone who will make all your previous disputes irrelevant. Better enjoy it while you can. hahah

I never said I enjoyed it, it was just something that happened. Are there people out there who can whoop my butt....sure there are a million of them, and I never made any claims to anybody about how bad-ass I was or that anyone was gonna get some action if they didnt do their job. He came after me first, and there is no way I am going to take an assault on my person from anyone, I may get my butt kicked, but I will show not my ass at my jobsite.

I am not a hard-ass boss, I am really pretty easy going, but I expect people to do the job that they are assigned if they are physically able to do it. Do the very best you can do, and put your full physical and mental effort into it is all I ask. You are getting paid to be here 8 hours (or whatever) and I expect to get 8 hours of work from you.

 

[Sketcher]

Even in "Work Mode" I evaluate the tasks, how each employee receives direction and how best to address each issue. For me, there isn't a canned "right way" to accomplish every situation. This is not wishy washy butt kissing, but very effective management for my environment. However, the respect I gain from the employees allows me to give directives and tasks as orders when needed, w/out causing a feeling of being taken for granted or mistreated.

As far as the "Home Mode"... I'm even more fortunate. My Wife's responsible, anticipates accomplishing tasks and daily events ahead of schedule and is great with the kids.

My personality is that of a Drill Sargeant. I can relate to your post in many ways - but I've learned to work together with my Wife and recognize that her day is just as important as mine (often more difficult than my day, her caring for the kids) and that I will give her the same respect she gives me. Not to say we don't have our knock down, sheet rock abusing, telephone throwing arguments now and then Just that when the dust settles, we are still each others best friend.

-Sketcher

 

[T2T III]

Do you have trouble turning off your "boss mode" when you leave work?

Actually, in my leadership roles, I've never been in a "boss mode." There's only a handful of times (a small handful) where I've had to actually tell someone to do something with authority. Most of the time, I command such respect that I just have to ask people to get things done. However, respect is a two-way street and I always start off by respecting them first. In turn, I have earned their respect and have motivated them to higher levels than if I had barked orders at them on a continuous basis. I continously see "bad" managers and team leaders who start off on the wrong foot - and never, ever get any respect from their subordinates because they've never had any respect for their subordinates. I have to deal with these scumbags on a daily basis and have to bite my tongue and not tell them that they could have a much more motivated staff based on respect alone rather than a dictatorship.

However, I do work in a professional, whilte-collar environment where respect goes a long way - and sometimes it doesn't. There could be other situations or work areas where one might have to deal with people who are unmotivated and it could be quite tough to get someone to do something unless you've turned on your dictator "mode."

Now, if I were to be given the choice between 1) managerial roles or 2) technical roles, I'd pick option #2. Option #1 has never given me more money for being in a leadership role. Option #2 has always given me more satisfaction at the end of the day because I could accomplish lots of tasks that have a tangible value to them. Option #1 can provide tangible value, but it's a little harder to measure at times.

For anyone out there who desires to get into management, read up on some books on "Emotional Intelligence" and you'll find many different ways to motivate people by treating them with honest respect as opposed to dictating how to do something.