The time is 4:11 AM. I just got back from a night out with the guys. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
A few nights ago, I went out gocart racing with the guys. One of them says "hey, my sister wants to hang out with me. You're all welcome to join in. She's over at this bar on 129." I'm like bar? sister? awesome! lets go! So we all pile into my Honda and get to the bar. $5 cover, and one ****** member of the crew forgot his ID. I take one for the team and we go back to his house, grab ID and then go back to the bar. $55 cover later we're all in playing pool and having drinks.
My friend Chris pulls me to the side and talks to me.
Dave, listen. If someone walks up to you and starts talking - just smile and say not interested.
What are you taking about chris?
Dude, just trust me. Smile. Not interested.
Ok but I fail to see what that has to do with...." thats when I look up and I see two guys with their shirts off dancing. I'm in a gay bar.
"wow. just wow."
So, we've got probably a dozen people in our crew. Both sis sisters are wearing ****** MOHAWKS (I went to 8th grade with one of them so I'm asking myself where the ****** the cute and quiet brunette girl with glasses went) a bunch of lip peircings. One of them is a lesibian. After a few minutes, I figure out which.
At this point, I'm ****** scared. Why? When I left the house, I threw on my only clean shirt. It was pink.
So, to recap: I am in a bar. A gay bar. With straight friends. Wearing a pink shirt. No good can come of this evening.
So we're all hanging out and having a reasonably good time. Booze is flowing, pooltable is ****** up all my shots. I have the WORST JACK AND COCK EVER. It was a coke with a splash of whiskey. ******. Did I just type that out? Goddamnit. Anyways, that was a waste of $5 but our bar tabs this weekend are already epic so nobody cares.
Next thing I know, the lesbian sister asks me to dance!
I decline. Just....no. Nothing against her, I just dont feel like dancing, and if I did, I'm not sure dancing with a lesbian and a mohawk is my idea of a good time.
I'm intoxicated . But i'm not drunk enough to dance with a lesbian. A big lesbian. This was a big girl.
So she grabs her brother and girlfriend and starts dancing a three way. I'm sitting back shooting the ****** with my friends.
Right around midnight, the dance floor clears. Crystal Taylor is now taking the spotlight dressed in a santa suit and fishnet stockings dancing around the dancefloor using every inch of it and the stripper pole to "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU BABYYYYYY"
It is at this precise point I realize that the evening has went from "memorable" to "Un-******-forgettable"
On a sidenote, I will say, that that was the best damn show I've seen a drag queen do in my life. And I used to watch the rupaul show on VH1!
Crystal clears out for her next set when they send in....SKYLER THE MALE STRIPPER. Wearing leather pants and an emo spiked collar. He was basically an emokid in tight leather pants.
He startsed out dressed up as a santa's elf and the the music comes on.
Rudolph the red nose reindeer....*cuts to Nine Inch Nails* WANNA ****** YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL...*bicthing instrument break here*..I WANNA FEEL YOU FROM THE INSIDE......*
We are LAUGHING OUR ASSES OFF at the fact that rudolph wants to rudolph all over us.
Its the middle of his set, he's got gay guys giving him money everywhere and the middle of his set he has something going on. I'm wondering what he's going do do with that candle and HOLY ****** HE'S POURING HOT CANDLE WAX ALL OVER HIS CHEST and rubbing it all over. He then makes rounds getting $20's from gay guys and it looks like he's shaking it till they cant take it.
He goes around the perimiter of the dance floor and I'm sitting two rows from the edge of the stage. He runs up to my friend sergio, puts his leg up and just starts humping his face. I am talking ****** BALLS ON HIS ****** FOREHEAD. He's sitting there looking scared. Meanwhile, I'm sitting a row behind him and the guys are LAUGHING OUR ****** ASSES OFF. I'm wishing I had a camera right then.
So the male stripper wraps up, the female stripper comes out. She does her dance, and makes $20 from the lesbians and then the drag queen comes out again. She does an AWESOME "I feel Pretty" routine BTW.
Finally she grabs the mike and wants to say HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE! This is now a night to remember. Christmas eve spent in a gay bar getting asked to dance by lesbians while wearing a pink shirt.
So Crystal does her thing and just starts talking to people from the audience.
She invites someone to do a shot with her, and who does she pic? MY FRIENDS OTHER NON LESBIAN SISTER WITH HER BOYFRIEND!
She's going up to do a JAGER BOMB with the DRAG QUEEN as I'm struggling to comprehend why the ****** I didn't bring my camera. This is now TWO christmas card moments i've missed!
She does the jagerbomb and we get ready for Crystal's next round, which was awesome. I recall bolting up, applauding heartily while screaming YOU GO GIRL!
Next thing I know, I really needed to pee and I was afraid to go to the bathroom, so I went out of the bar and walked to the dennys next door.
I'm walking out the door and lesbian sister is talking to the male stripper. I can't help but overhear
skyler: i dont normally give my number out to girls.........
Lets see. Lesbian with a mohawk. JUST GOT THE NUMBER OF THE GAY STRIPPER.
DOES
NOT
******
COMPUTE
My mind is churning and trying to get this. No offense, I think she's cool and everything but apparently she's lesbo enough to be a lesbo, but girly girl enough to get a gay stripper's cell number? This is un ****** believable.
I get back to the bar and we're all hanging out and my mind starts thinking.
Hey Pat! I got $ that says if I can get the DJ to play "Ladies Night" by Kool and the Gang that we will ****** raise the roof off this place!
He does not take the bet, but challenges me anyways.
I go to the DJ booth and I'm like "YO DJ! THE GIRLS BACK THERE WANT TO HEAR LADIES NIGHT BY KOOL AND THE GANG!" and he gives me the stare. He heard me but didnt understand any of the words coming out of my mouth. "LADIES NIGHT. KOOL AND THE GANG."
Nothing. Blank stare. Vacant. The hamster is dead but the wheel is still spinning. He dosent have it.
I was ****** PISSED. I get back to the table and ask everyone - What kind of gay bar is this? Any self respecting gay bar has to have ladies night by kool and the gang! I want to hang the DJ.
We go back to hanging out. The drag queen is making her rounds and doing photos and stuff. We're back over by the pool tables and I see a ****** TABLE full of gay pride magazines. Its called "Out on the coast" and has a rainbow flag and a gay guy in a speedo on the cover.
If it isn't patently obvious, I'll spell it out for you. Its christmas eve and I'm next to a stack of gay pride magazines. My mind is in the gutter, where it works best.
We have a friend who is certifiably insane. He wanted to break into a cops house, and asked me to be an accomplice, has met/dated a girl that he met on WORLD OF WARCRAFT and wanted to marry a freshman high school girl as a senior in high school.
So in a nutshell, his idea of love is getting an erection. We have made so many gay jokes at his expense over the past 10 years, that making another isn't going to hurt anything.
I announce that I think we ought to grab a stack of them gay pride magazines and stick them all over sebastians mailbox for christmas!
The entire group keels over from laughter. It is epic.
Next thing I know its last call, we close out our tabs and go to steak and shake. I grab three gay pride magazines. On the way out, I'm waiting for the drunken gaggle to come out so I can drive them. As I'm waiting in the parking lot, I peruse through one of said pride magazines. Hey, I'm a car dealer! I can advertise in here. What if I need to sell a miata? (sorry AI, you had to have seen that one from a mile away)
Over steakburgers and milkshakes, we decide not to plaster his car and mailbox with gay pride paraphanelia on christmas eve eve, because that's wrong.
We eventually decide that we SHOULD do it on actual christmas eve, to give the impression his home was visited by some incarnation of homosexual santa claus.
After we eat I drive everyone home. Gay pride magazines are stuffed in my glovebox. We go out to the bar again tonight, and we spent christmas eve playing pool and drinking beer. Yes, my life is that sketchy. Christmas eve in a bar. We shoot pool and the ****** for a few hours with friends that just came in to town tonight.
The bartab comes, nobody's got a credit card the place takes and I wind up picking up WAY TOO MUCH of the ****** $100 bar tab since I'm the only one who carries things other than a debit card anymore.
Chris and wife have to go home. I take pat and joe to another bar where I know is open. It was $2 shots night. Said bar has a $15 credit card minimum. I know the guy who owns the place and I was tempted to ask for him to say its ok but then I had a better idea.
I reached into my wallet and couldnt find a $10. If I could find one I would have slammed on the bar and say "BARKEEP! JACK PAT UP!" but he was already pretty loaded. We have a few more drinks and its 2AM. After hitting up Dennys, we plaster someone's car and maibox with at 3:30 christmas morning.
I just got back in a little while ago and I'm still laughing my ass off from the whole idea. Right about now, I'm planning on stopping by Tuesday night and asking how much swag he got from assless chap santa.
A few nights ago, I went out gocart racing with the guys. One of them says "hey, my sister wants to hang out with me. You're all welcome to join in. She's over at this bar on 129." I'm like bar? sister? awesome! lets go! So we all pile into my Honda and get to the bar. $5 cover, and one ****** member of the crew forgot his ID. I take one for the team and we go back to his house, grab ID and then go back to the bar. $55 cover later we're all in playing pool and having drinks.
My friend Chris pulls me to the side and talks to me.
Dave, listen. If someone walks up to you and starts talking - just smile and say not interested.
What are you taking about chris?
Dude, just trust me. Smile. Not interested.
Ok but I fail to see what that has to do with...." thats when I look up and I see two guys with their shirts off dancing. I'm in a gay bar.
"wow. just wow."
So, we've got probably a dozen people in our crew. Both sis sisters are wearing ****** MOHAWKS (I went to 8th grade with one of them so I'm asking myself where the ****** the cute and quiet brunette girl with glasses went) a bunch of lip peircings. One of them is a lesibian. After a few minutes, I figure out which.
At this point, I'm ****** scared. Why? When I left the house, I threw on my only clean shirt. It was pink.
So, to recap: I am in a bar. A gay bar. With straight friends. Wearing a pink shirt. No good can come of this evening.
So we're all hanging out and having a reasonably good time. Booze is flowing, pooltable is ****** up all my shots. I have the WORST JACK AND COCK EVER. It was a coke with a splash of whiskey. ******. Did I just type that out? Goddamnit. Anyways, that was a waste of $5 but our bar tabs this weekend are already epic so nobody cares.
Next thing I know, the lesbian sister asks me to dance!
I decline. Just....no. Nothing against her, I just dont feel like dancing, and if I did, I'm not sure dancing with a lesbian and a mohawk is my idea of a good time.
I'm intoxicated . But i'm not drunk enough to dance with a lesbian. A big lesbian. This was a big girl.
So she grabs her brother and girlfriend and starts dancing a three way. I'm sitting back shooting the ****** with my friends.
Right around midnight, the dance floor clears. Crystal Taylor is now taking the spotlight dressed in a santa suit and fishnet stockings dancing around the dancefloor using every inch of it and the stripper pole to "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU BABYYYYYY"
It is at this precise point I realize that the evening has went from "memorable" to "Un-******-forgettable"
On a sidenote, I will say, that that was the best damn show I've seen a drag queen do in my life. And I used to watch the rupaul show on VH1!
Crystal clears out for her next set when they send in....SKYLER THE MALE STRIPPER. Wearing leather pants and an emo spiked collar. He was basically an emokid in tight leather pants.
He startsed out dressed up as a santa's elf and the the music comes on.
Rudolph the red nose reindeer....*cuts to Nine Inch Nails* WANNA ****** YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL...*bicthing instrument break here*..I WANNA FEEL YOU FROM THE INSIDE......*
We are LAUGHING OUR ASSES OFF at the fact that rudolph wants to rudolph all over us.
Its the middle of his set, he's got gay guys giving him money everywhere and the middle of his set he has something going on. I'm wondering what he's going do do with that candle and HOLY ****** HE'S POURING HOT CANDLE WAX ALL OVER HIS CHEST and rubbing it all over. He then makes rounds getting $20's from gay guys and it looks like he's shaking it till they cant take it.
He goes around the perimiter of the dance floor and I'm sitting two rows from the edge of the stage. He runs up to my friend sergio, puts his leg up and just starts humping his face. I am talking ****** BALLS ON HIS ****** FOREHEAD. He's sitting there looking scared. Meanwhile, I'm sitting a row behind him and the guys are LAUGHING OUR ****** ASSES OFF. I'm wishing I had a camera right then.
So the male stripper wraps up, the female stripper comes out. She does her dance, and makes $20 from the lesbians and then the drag queen comes out again. She does an AWESOME "I feel Pretty" routine BTW.
Finally she grabs the mike and wants to say HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE! This is now a night to remember. Christmas eve spent in a gay bar getting asked to dance by lesbians while wearing a pink shirt.
So Crystal does her thing and just starts talking to people from the audience.
She invites someone to do a shot with her, and who does she pic? MY FRIENDS OTHER NON LESBIAN SISTER WITH HER BOYFRIEND!
She's going up to do a JAGER BOMB with the DRAG QUEEN as I'm struggling to comprehend why the ****** I didn't bring my camera. This is now TWO christmas card moments i've missed!
She does the jagerbomb and we get ready for Crystal's next round, which was awesome. I recall bolting up, applauding heartily while screaming YOU GO GIRL!
Next thing I know, I really needed to pee and I was afraid to go to the bathroom, so I went out of the bar and walked to the dennys next door.
I'm walking out the door and lesbian sister is talking to the male stripper. I can't help but overhear
skyler: i dont normally give my number out to girls.........
Lets see. Lesbian with a mohawk. JUST GOT THE NUMBER OF THE GAY STRIPPER.
DOES
NOT
******
COMPUTE
My mind is churning and trying to get this. No offense, I think she's cool and everything but apparently she's lesbo enough to be a lesbo, but girly girl enough to get a gay stripper's cell number? This is un ****** believable.
I get back to the bar and we're all hanging out and my mind starts thinking.
Hey Pat! I got $ that says if I can get the DJ to play "Ladies Night" by Kool and the Gang that we will ****** raise the roof off this place!
He does not take the bet, but challenges me anyways.
I go to the DJ booth and I'm like "YO DJ! THE GIRLS BACK THERE WANT TO HEAR LADIES NIGHT BY KOOL AND THE GANG!" and he gives me the stare. He heard me but didnt understand any of the words coming out of my mouth. "LADIES NIGHT. KOOL AND THE GANG."
Nothing. Blank stare. Vacant. The hamster is dead but the wheel is still spinning. He dosent have it.
I was ****** PISSED. I get back to the table and ask everyone - What kind of gay bar is this? Any self respecting gay bar has to have ladies night by kool and the gang! I want to hang the DJ.
We go back to hanging out. The drag queen is making her rounds and doing photos and stuff. We're back over by the pool tables and I see a ****** TABLE full of gay pride magazines. Its called "Out on the coast" and has a rainbow flag and a gay guy in a speedo on the cover.
If it isn't patently obvious, I'll spell it out for you. Its christmas eve and I'm next to a stack of gay pride magazines. My mind is in the gutter, where it works best.
We have a friend who is certifiably insane. He wanted to break into a cops house, and asked me to be an accomplice, has met/dated a girl that he met on WORLD OF WARCRAFT and wanted to marry a freshman high school girl as a senior in high school.
So in a nutshell, his idea of love is getting an erection. We have made so many gay jokes at his expense over the past 10 years, that making another isn't going to hurt anything.
I announce that I think we ought to grab a stack of them gay pride magazines and stick them all over sebastians mailbox for christmas!
The entire group keels over from laughter. It is epic.
Next thing I know its last call, we close out our tabs and go to steak and shake. I grab three gay pride magazines. On the way out, I'm waiting for the drunken gaggle to come out so I can drive them. As I'm waiting in the parking lot, I peruse through one of said pride magazines. Hey, I'm a car dealer! I can advertise in here. What if I need to sell a miata? (sorry AI, you had to have seen that one from a mile away)
Over steakburgers and milkshakes, we decide not to plaster his car and mailbox with gay pride paraphanelia on christmas eve eve, because that's wrong.
We eventually decide that we SHOULD do it on actual christmas eve, to give the impression his home was visited by some incarnation of homosexual santa claus.
After we eat I drive everyone home. Gay pride magazines are stuffed in my glovebox. We go out to the bar again tonight, and we spent christmas eve playing pool and drinking beer. Yes, my life is that sketchy. Christmas eve in a bar. We shoot pool and the ****** for a few hours with friends that just came in to town tonight.
The bartab comes, nobody's got a credit card the place takes and I wind up picking up WAY TOO MUCH of the ****** $100 bar tab since I'm the only one who carries things other than a debit card anymore.
Chris and wife have to go home. I take pat and joe to another bar where I know is open. It was $2 shots night. Said bar has a $15 credit card minimum. I know the guy who owns the place and I was tempted to ask for him to say its ok but then I had a better idea.
I reached into my wallet and couldnt find a $10. If I could find one I would have slammed on the bar and say "BARKEEP! JACK PAT UP!" but he was already pretty loaded. We have a few more drinks and its 2AM. After hitting up Dennys, we plaster someone's car and maibox with at 3:30 christmas morning.
I just got back in a little while ago and I'm still laughing my ass off from the whole idea. Right about now, I'm planning on stopping by Tuesday night and asking how much swag he got from assless chap santa.
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