AARON'S MOTHER: "Will you stop playing with your rod? You'll make yourself blind!" - Joseph Leff
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: (1) "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
(2) "Take a few minutes in the morning to shave. Don't you want people to remember your face?" - MsSam
(3) "Say, Abe, there's a great show playing at the Ford Theatre. Why not take some time off and go see it?" - Joseph Leff
(4) "Hi, five." - Joseph Leff
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something ...?"
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER'S MOTHER: "Are you just packing up and leaving home for good?" - MsSam
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN'S MOTHER: "Oh, go fly a kite." - Joseph Leff
BOB HOPE'S MOTHER: "You're so forgetful. You should be thankful you can remember anything!!" - Joseph Leff/Ms Sam
BUBONIC PLAGUE VICTIM'S MOTHER: "A pox on your house." - Joseph Leff
CAVEMAN'S MOTHER: "Stop playing with fire. It's useless. All it does is ruin the environment." - Joseph Leff
CHARLES DOW'S MOTHER: "Why must you keep up with the Joneses?" - Joseph Leff
CHER'S MOTHER: (1) "Stop wearing all that makeup and glitter. Nobody likes that!" - Joseph Leff
(2) "Will you stop playing with those wigs, put some clothes on and get yourself a useful education!" - MsSam
CHRISTINE AGUILERA'S MOTHER: "Learn from your mistakes. Don't do it again." - Joseph Leff
CINDERELLA'S STEPMOTHER: "A banana peel is NOT a golden slipper! Now pick that up!" - Joseph Leff
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: (1) "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
(2) "Go west, young man." - Joseph Leff
COPERNICUS' MOTHER: "What do you think you are, the center of the universe?" - Joseph Leff
CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
DAVID LETTERMAN'S MOTHER: "Fix your teeth or nobody will want to look at you." - Joseph Leff
DEAN MARTIN'S MOTHER: "Eat, drink and make merry." - Joseph Leff
DRACULA'S MOTHER: "You shouldn't stay out all night. No wonder you sleep all day." - Joseph Leff/Ms Sam
ELMER FUDD'S MOTHER: "Speak clearly. Maybe we should send you to speech therapy?" - MsSam
ELVIS PRESLEY'S MOTHER: "When you sing, stand still. You move around way too much!" - Joseph Leff
EMERIL'S MOTHER: "Remember, you go out and earn a living while your wife stays home and prepares dinner. (Bam!)" - Joseph Leff
EVE'S MOTHER: " " - Joseph Leff
FLIP WILSON'S MOTHER: "If you aren't responsible for your actions, who is?" - Ms Sam
FRANK SINATRA'S MOTHER: "Why must everything be your way?" - Joseph Leff
FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT'S MOTHER: (1) "Don't be afraid, dear. You have nothing to fear." - Joseph Leff
(2) (2) "The secret to cooking for a large group is to put a chicken in every pot." - Joseph Leff
GEORGE BURNS' MOTHER: (1) "Do everything with grace." - Joseph Leff
(2) "Will you hurry up and say dinner grace sometime soon ... before it's time to say goodnight?" - Ms Sam
GEORGE CARLIN'S MOTHER: "Why the *%&* do you always talk like that?" - Joseph Leff
GEORGE W. BUSH'S MOTHER: (1) "Well, George, why can't you be more like your father?" - Joseph Leff
(2) "How do you expect to get credit for your work when that typewriter is missing the 'W' key?" - MsSam
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: (1) "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
(2) "Don't you lie to me, young man!" - Joseph Leff
GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER'S MOTHER: "What kind of a job is that? You're just working for peanuts." - Joseph Leff
GERONIMO'S MOTHER: "Put that parachute down!" - Joseph Leff
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
HARPO MARX' MOTHER: "Say, what?" - Joseph Leff
HARRY S. TRUMAN'S MOTHER: "Your allowance is spent already? From now on, you're going to start saving your money!" - MsSam
HENRY FORD'S MOTHER: "What are you trying to do --- invent weapons of mass production?" - Joseph Leff
HILLARY RODHAM'S MOTHER: "I don't know what you see in that Bill Clinton guy. He seems somewhat overblown." - Joseph Leff
HUMPHREY BOGART'S MOTHER: "Here's lookin' at you, kid." - Joseph Leff
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
INDIANA JONES' MOTHER: "Stop playing with that whip. It's useless." - Joseph Leff
JACK AND JILL'S MOTHER: "Stop running around with those buckets. You can slip and fall." Joseph Leff
JACK BE NIMBLE'S MOTHER: "Stop jumping around so much." - Joseph Leff
JACK BENNY'S MOTHER: "Don't waste your money." - Joseph Leff
JAMES BOND'S MOTHER: "Your latest story has shaken me up, but somehow I wasn't stirred by it." - Joseph Leff
JEFFREY DAHMER'S MOTHER: (1) "Always have nice people for dinner." - Joseph Leff
(2) "What's the other white meat?" - Joseph Leff
JEWISH MOTHER: "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal."
JOE DIMAGGIO'S MOTHER: "Instead of always wearing a baseball uniform, you should wear a nice suit. That way you'll meet a pretty girl, get married and settle down." - Joseph Leff
JOHN HANCOCK'S MOTHER: "It's important to practice your handwriting." - Joseph Leff
JOHN WAYNE'S MOTHER: "Don't talk to Pilgrims." - Joseph Leff
JOHNNY COCHRAN'S MOTHER: "Those gloves don't fit, so why not, uh, quit?" - Joseph Leff
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
JOSEPH LEFF'S MOTHER: "Can't you read humor books like everyone else your age? Get your nose out of that dictionary ... that won't help you in any profession or hobby!" - MsSam
KERMIT THE FROG'S MOTHER: "You know, it's not easy being green." - Joseph Leff
KING KONG'S MOTHER: "Don't climb too high. It's dangerous." - Joseph Leff
LADY GODIVA'S MOTHER: "Remember, always wear clean underwear when you go out." - Joseph Leff
LITTLE BOY BLUE'S MOTHER: "Go blow your horn some place else." - Joseph Leff
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
LUCILLE BALL'S MOTHER: "I love you, Lucy." - Joseph Leff
MAE WEST'S MOTHER: "Talk plainly and clean. Nobody will understand or appreciate all those sexual innuendos and double entendres." - Joseph Leff
MARCEL MARCEAU'S MOTHER: "Once and for all, will you just shut up?" - Joseph Leff
MARIE CURIE'S MOTHER: (1) "Why go to school? Women can't do anything with the knowledge anyway." - Joseph Leff
(2) "Will you stop wasting your time in school and settle down? Science and medicine are for men only." - Joseph Leff
MARTIN LUTHER KING'S MOTHER: "Why do you daydream so much?" - Joseph Leff
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: (1) "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
(2) "Why are you so contrary?" - Joseph Leff
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
MICHAEL JORDAN'S MOTHER: "As long as you'll be playing so much basketball, get some shoes with good support." - Joseph Leff
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
MICK JAGGER'S MOTHER: "No satisfaction?!! No satisfaction?!! If you can't speak English properly, how do you intend to make a living when you grow up?" - Ms Sam
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
MONICA LEWINSKY'S MOTHER: "Don't blow your chance at fame." - Joseph Leff
MONTEZUMA'S MOTHER: "Oh, have a heart!" - Joseph Leff
MOSES' MOTHER: "Why do you keep wandering around so much?" - Joseph Leff
MOTHER THERESA'S MOTHER: "Finish your food. Remember, there are people starving in India." - Joseph Leff
MS SAM'S MOTHER: (1) "Will you stop all that wordplay? You act is if seven days without a pun can make one weak." - Joseph Leff
(2) "Why don't you get a hobby, like start a collection of something?" - MsSam
(3) "If you keep doing that, you'll be PUNished." - Joseph Leff
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: (1) "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
(2) "Help me finish this palindrome. Able was I ..." - Joseph Leff
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S MOTHER: "You want to make a name for yourself in this world? My advice is to keep your feet firmly on the ground and your head out of the sky!" - MsSam
NOAH'S MOTHER: "You'll have to learn to count higher than two if you'll ever amount to anything." - Joseph Leff
NOAH WEBSTER'S MOTHER: "Just what do you mean by that?" - Joseph Leff
O.J. SIMPSON'S MOTHER: "When arguing with her, make sure she gets the point." - Joseph Leff
OPRAH WINFREY'S MOTHER: "I should get your eyes checked. I think you're dyslexic." - Joseph Leff/Ms Sam
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
PINOCCHIO'S MOTHER: "Why do you always let people string you along?" - Joseph Leff
QUEEN ELIZABETH II'S MOTHER: "Handle yourself with class, be fair and who knows? Maybe something will be named after you." - Joseph Leff
REGIS PHILBIN'S MOTHER: "Is that your final answer?" - Joseph Leff
RICHARD NIXON'S MOTHER: "Whatever else you may do, do not be a crook." - Joseph Leff
RINGO STARR'S MOTHER: "Help!" - Joseph Leff
ROBIN HOOD'S MOTHER: "Are all those kids you play with really merry, or are they gay?" - Joseph Leff
RON HOWARD'S MOTHER: "Make sure you get enough sleep, or you'll walk around in a happy daze." - Joseph Leff
SADDAM HUSSEIN'S MOTHER: "Don't let those Kurds have their way." - Joseph Leff
SAMMY DAVIS, JR'S. MOTHER: "Yes, you can." - Joseph Leff
SAMUEL MORSE'S MOTHER: (1) "Why are you sniffling? Do you have a code?" - Joseph Leff
(2) "Please dash over there and get your sister, Dot." - Joseph Leff
SHAQ O'NEAL'S MOTHER: "Be sure to finish what's on your plate so you'll grow up big and strong." - Joseph Leff
SMOKEY THE BEAR'S MOTHER: "Remember, only you can advertise forest protection." - Joseph Leff
SONNY BONO'S MOTHER: (1) "Be sure to Cher-ish your wife." - Joseph Leff
(2) "Who do you think the world revolves around? It ain't you babe." - Ms Sam
SPIKE JONES' MOTHER: "What kind of silly music is that?" - Joseph Leff
SPIKE LEE'S MOTHER: "You know your name really isn't Spike, don't you?" - Joseph Leff
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
TARZAN'S MOTHER: "Stop monkeying around. You'll make me go bananas." - Joseph Leff
THEODORE ROOSEVELT'S MOTHER: "Why are you always playing with that little toy bear?" - Joseph Leff
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
TIGER WOODS' MOTHER: "You're getting me really teed off!" - Joseph Leff
TONY SOPRANO'S MOTHER: "Ah, fug-ged-about-it." - Joseph Leff
TONY THE TIGER'S MOTHER: "Tony, eat your cereal. Don't you want to grow up and be grrrreat!" - Ms Sam & Joseph Leff
UNCLE SAM'S MOTHER: "Whom do you want now?" - Joseph Leff
VLAD THE IMPALER'S MOTHER: "What do you want from me ... blood?" - Joseph Leff
WALT DISNEY'S MOTHER: "Stop all that doodling. Do something useful with your life for a change." - Joseph Leff
WILBUR AND ORVILLE WRIGHT'S MOTHER: "Why are your heads always in the clouds? Do something useful for a change." - Joseph Leff
WILE E. COYOTE'S MOTHER: "Only buy merchandise from Acme Manufacturing. They make the best products available." - Joseph Leff
WILLIAM CLINTON'S MOTHER: (1) "Do you really think that faking a bad memory will keep you out of trouble your whole life?" - MsSam
(2) "Read a dictionary. Don't you even know what the meaning of 'is' is?" - Joseph Leff
XHOSA-SPEAKER'S MOTHER: "Stop making that annoying clicking sound with your tongue. It's really bugging me." - Joseph Leff
YASSIR ARAFAT'S MOTHER: "Being two-faced means you can say one thing in Arabic and something completely different in English. Those Americans will never know the difference." - Joseph Leff
ZERO MOSTEL'S MOTHER: "Make sure you produce something." - Joseph Leff
ZEUS' MOTHER: "Oh, my god!" - Joseph Leff
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