- Jun 27, 2005
- 6,010
- 1
- 76
From www.tomnaughton.com:
Step up on the scale, Mr. Naughton.
Sure, Doctor. Im looking forward to seeing this myself.
Lets see slide this over a bit hmm, pretty bad. Your weight is up again.
Uh Doctor, you mind getting your foot off the scale?
Oh, okay.
So you want to weigh me again now?
Sorry, Ive already recorded the results. You can step down now.
But
Just as I predicted. Man-made body enlarging. I told you to stop consuming so much animal fat.
Theres nothing wrong with eating
If this keeps up, youll weigh 650 pounds by the year 2030. Its a looming disaster.
Doctor, excuse me, but theres no way Im gaining weight. Look at me. I had to buy a smaller belt last month.
Thats a temporary anomaly. Im more interested in the long-term trend.
Ive been shrinking for two years now. Ive also been eating more animal fat. So it cant be making me fatter. Your theory doesnt hold up.
Do you weigh more than you did 40 years ago?
Yes, I was a skinny runt 40 years ago.
And did your fat consumption go up during the past 40 years?
I was 11 years old 40 years ago! Of course I eat more now.
Aha! So you agree theres a long-term trend in your body enlargement.
Those are natural forces at work. Im pretty sure thats been happening forever.
But the rate of the enlargement has accelerated. Look at your weight chart. See there? All nice and even for two decades, then it shoots up here at the end. It looks like a hockey stick.
That chart is bull@#$%!
It cant be. I showed it to a bunch of doctors who are friends of mine and they agreed: it looks like a hockey stick. We even wrote a paper about it.
Look, Doctor, I went through a period in my thirties when I was fatter than I am today, and I wasnt eating animal fat because I was a vegetarian. Now Im experiencing a thinning trend, even though I eat a lot of fat. So obviously, fat isnt the problem, and that chart is bull.
I see. So youre a denialist.
What?!
I suppose you dont believe the Holocaust happened either?
No! I mean, yes, I believe it happened. Theres evidence it happened. But theres no evidence that Im gaining weight!
Whos paying you to say this? The dairy industry? The cattle ranchers?
Nobodys paying me! Just use your senses! Im smaller!
This is the worst case of denial Ive ever seen. Im afraid were going to have to institute a fat-and-trade system. Every time you consume fat, youll need to pay me a stiff fine. Or you can buy a fat credit from another tubbo whos willing to go without butter for a week. Its the only way to stop you from getting larger.
I AM NOT GETTING LARGER!
Yes, you are. It says so right here in my computer data.
Let me see that.
No. I will not have you second-guessing my data. I dont have to show you anything.
Yes, you do, Doctor. And if you dont, Ill call my lawyer and have him file the papers.
Damn! I was hoping you didnt know about that law. Now I have to destroy the data.
What?!
Nothing. I didnt say anything.
Give me that book!
Hey! Give that back!
Back off, Doctor, or Ill smack you. Lets see Hey, whats with all the emails and notes?
Nothing. Just doctors notes.
Nothing, my @##. Look at this: James - I figured out how to apply Mikes trick of mixing belt-ring data with actual weight measurements to hide Mr. Naughtons mid-thirties fattening period. What the hell is that supposed to mean?
It doesnt mean anything! Trick is a common term in medical research. Give me that back!
And heres a coding comment from the guy who designed your computer program. What does he mean, hes having a hard time writing code that produces the results you want?
You know just programmer lingo. Thats how they talk.
And this one: James - Perhaps we should encourage our colleagues to boycott medical journals that publish articles by doctors who have seen people lose weight on high-fat diets. By the way, please delete this after reading. And you printed it out? What are you, an idiot?
Oh, I see. Already reduced to resorting to attacks on my character, huh?
And whats up with this one: James. The fact is that we cannot account for Mr. Naughtons failure to gain weight in recent years, and its a travesty that we cant.
Well, uh you see, the theory is still correct, because uh I mean its not like we have anything to hide!
Let me get this straight you wouldnt give me your data, you threatened to destroy your data so I wouldnt see it, your programmer was upset because he was having a hard time producing the data you wanted, you applied tricks to your data, and in spite of all that, your colleague thinks its a travesty that you cant explain why Im not actually gaining weight. Id say you were hiding something, Doctor.
But the theory is still correct! Im sure of it! To hell with your annoying weight loss.
No, to hell with you, to hell with your theory, and to hell with your fat-and-trade fines. Im leaving.
Dont go outside while youre angry, Mr. Naughton! Youll get heat exhaustion!
Its snowing, you moron.
Step up on the scale, Mr. Naughton.
Sure, Doctor. Im looking forward to seeing this myself.
Lets see slide this over a bit hmm, pretty bad. Your weight is up again.
Uh Doctor, you mind getting your foot off the scale?
Oh, okay.
So you want to weigh me again now?
Sorry, Ive already recorded the results. You can step down now.
But
Just as I predicted. Man-made body enlarging. I told you to stop consuming so much animal fat.
Theres nothing wrong with eating
If this keeps up, youll weigh 650 pounds by the year 2030. Its a looming disaster.
Doctor, excuse me, but theres no way Im gaining weight. Look at me. I had to buy a smaller belt last month.
Thats a temporary anomaly. Im more interested in the long-term trend.
Ive been shrinking for two years now. Ive also been eating more animal fat. So it cant be making me fatter. Your theory doesnt hold up.
Do you weigh more than you did 40 years ago?
Yes, I was a skinny runt 40 years ago.
And did your fat consumption go up during the past 40 years?
I was 11 years old 40 years ago! Of course I eat more now.
Aha! So you agree theres a long-term trend in your body enlargement.
Those are natural forces at work. Im pretty sure thats been happening forever.
But the rate of the enlargement has accelerated. Look at your weight chart. See there? All nice and even for two decades, then it shoots up here at the end. It looks like a hockey stick.
That chart is bull@#$%!
It cant be. I showed it to a bunch of doctors who are friends of mine and they agreed: it looks like a hockey stick. We even wrote a paper about it.
Look, Doctor, I went through a period in my thirties when I was fatter than I am today, and I wasnt eating animal fat because I was a vegetarian. Now Im experiencing a thinning trend, even though I eat a lot of fat. So obviously, fat isnt the problem, and that chart is bull.
I see. So youre a denialist.
What?!
I suppose you dont believe the Holocaust happened either?
No! I mean, yes, I believe it happened. Theres evidence it happened. But theres no evidence that Im gaining weight!
Whos paying you to say this? The dairy industry? The cattle ranchers?
Nobodys paying me! Just use your senses! Im smaller!
This is the worst case of denial Ive ever seen. Im afraid were going to have to institute a fat-and-trade system. Every time you consume fat, youll need to pay me a stiff fine. Or you can buy a fat credit from another tubbo whos willing to go without butter for a week. Its the only way to stop you from getting larger.
I AM NOT GETTING LARGER!
Yes, you are. It says so right here in my computer data.
Let me see that.
No. I will not have you second-guessing my data. I dont have to show you anything.
Yes, you do, Doctor. And if you dont, Ill call my lawyer and have him file the papers.
Damn! I was hoping you didnt know about that law. Now I have to destroy the data.
What?!
Nothing. I didnt say anything.
Give me that book!
Hey! Give that back!
Back off, Doctor, or Ill smack you. Lets see Hey, whats with all the emails and notes?
Nothing. Just doctors notes.
Nothing, my @##. Look at this: James - I figured out how to apply Mikes trick of mixing belt-ring data with actual weight measurements to hide Mr. Naughtons mid-thirties fattening period. What the hell is that supposed to mean?
It doesnt mean anything! Trick is a common term in medical research. Give me that back!
And heres a coding comment from the guy who designed your computer program. What does he mean, hes having a hard time writing code that produces the results you want?
You know just programmer lingo. Thats how they talk.
And this one: James - Perhaps we should encourage our colleagues to boycott medical journals that publish articles by doctors who have seen people lose weight on high-fat diets. By the way, please delete this after reading. And you printed it out? What are you, an idiot?
Oh, I see. Already reduced to resorting to attacks on my character, huh?
And whats up with this one: James. The fact is that we cannot account for Mr. Naughtons failure to gain weight in recent years, and its a travesty that we cant.
Well, uh you see, the theory is still correct, because uh I mean its not like we have anything to hide!
Let me get this straight you wouldnt give me your data, you threatened to destroy your data so I wouldnt see it, your programmer was upset because he was having a hard time producing the data you wanted, you applied tricks to your data, and in spite of all that, your colleague thinks its a travesty that you cant explain why Im not actually gaining weight. Id say you were hiding something, Doctor.
But the theory is still correct! Im sure of it! To hell with your annoying weight loss.
No, to hell with you, to hell with your theory, and to hell with your fat-and-trade fines. Im leaving.
Dont go outside while youre angry, Mr. Naughton! Youll get heat exhaustion!
Its snowing, you moron.
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