I was just sexually assaulted by a chair... now with 100% moar MSPaint

[Jeeebus]

As I sit here on an ice pack contemplating whether this was my fault, whether I was asking for it, and whether this all could have been avoided if I dressed and presented myself less sexually, I ultimately take solace (as an optimist) in knowing that I won't need a colonoscopy for a while as my kitchen chair has taken care of that.

So there I was, descending the ladder steps, victorious in my quest to change a lightbulb (making me more handy than 94% of all ATOT brethren). I probably should have known that the gentle shimmering of my ass cheeks would be hypnotic to any being beneath me - whether alive or inanimate.

With reckless abandon I descended the ladder, hopping off the bottom step... but my feet did not gently land on the floor as planned. Rather, the Harvey Weinstein of kitchen chairs was apparently waiting for me. It did not hesitate at it forced itself upon me. I was powerless. My poop-chute met the full force and power of Hurricane Chair as it plunged itself into me.

Much cursing was had as I writhed around on the floor in pain that I had previously never felt... all the while the chair just smoked a cigarette and told me I had a bright future as an actor in this city.

My name is Jeeebus and this is my story.

 

[IronWing]

Point out on the chair where the chair touched you.

 

[Ichinisan]

Why does this never happen to me? I wish I could get some action in the kitchen.

 

[sandorski]

Quit dressing like a slut.

 

[lxskllr]

I'm jealous. You have a ceiling emu. I want a ceiling emu :^(

 

[snoopy7548]

#jeeebustoo

 

[Greenman]

It was a one in a million shot doc!

 

[Jeeebus]

Quit dressing like a slut.

I was pretty much asking for it.

 

[Exterous]

I'm guessing the chair finally got tired of your abuse since you never asked it if it wanted your ass on its face. This is what you get for being a selfish lover...and a lawyer

 

[highland145]

Must be a slow court week but I like.


And it could be worse. That emu could have been a terrorist.
https://gizmodo.com/5157354/boy-killed-anally-when-office-chair-explodes

 

[gorcorps]

without the label, your buttocks looked like big ol' bawls

 

[Thebobo]

You need to work on your upper body strength.

 

[clamum]

LOL. Awesome story and MSPaint drawing.

Poor pooper.

 

[nakedfrog]

You need chair for your bunghole?

 

[ImpulsE69]

You're doing it wrong OP. You need to wait 30 years and then vaguely put it in your twitter feed, or in your book.

 

[PJFrylar]

Give me your address. I'll take my chances against that chair for a million bucks.

 

[DigDog]

Is the chair being considered for the Supreme Court ?

 

[SKORPI0]

Sorry it's your word against the chair. And there are no other witnesses to corroborate.

 

[highland145]

Sorry it's your word against the chair. And there are no other witnesses to corroborate.

A dish and spoon but they went into the witness protection program.

 

[Darwin333]

What a dick of a chair, least it could have done was spit on it first.

 

[realibrad]

What a dick of a chair, least it could have done was spit on it first.

I like my chairs like I like my sushi... raw. Another acceptable answer is in my mouth.

 

[highland145]

What a dick of a chair, least it could have done was spit on it first.

Bareback with the ladder back.



Might be a song in there.

 

[PowerEngineer]

Is the chair being considered for the Supreme Court ?

That made me laugh!

Sorry it's your word against the chair. And there are no other witnesses to corroborate.

Actually, your description of the event suggests that it was you who forced yourself onto the chair. I only hope that the chair was at least eighteen years old. You may be required to post a sign identifying you as a furniture abuser.

 

[GagHalfrunt]

You were asking for it.

 

[BarkingGhostar]

That made me laugh!



Actually, your description of the event suggests that it was you who forced yourself onto the chair. I only hope that the chair was at least eighteen years old. You may be required to post a sign identifying you as a furniture abuser.

A wood and fabric predator!