I NEED TO VENT!!!!!!

[FettsBabe]

Here's the story...

Yesterday, my stepson told me that he asked is mother if he could stay with his dad more. She asked him if he liked it at her home and he replied yes, but I want to see my dad more. I would like to see both of you the same amount of time. She asked him if his dad told him to say it (basically asking if we put him up to it) and he said my daddy didn't tell me to ask you. I wanted to. She told him that he couldn't because he doesn't get enough sleep at our home. He knows he goes to bed at the same time as well as gets up at the same time. She told his step-dad and he said "No that can't happen." He comes to our house last night and tells us. He also said he was sad. He tells his dad that he wants him to talk to his mom.

When she called to talk to him I told her he was doing his homework (he really was) and gave the phone to his dad. He talked to her about it and she kept saying "no." She denied ever saying all of the things I listed above and said that he said "Daddy wanted me to ask you if I could stay at his house more." He told her that she would have to look at it eventually and she said no that she never would. He said if I have to I will go to court. She said "don't threaten me." He told her it wasn't a threat. She said a 10 year old can't decide. (FYI-In NC, there isn't an age requirement. However, its normally around 12. He will be 11 this in March). He told her its apparent you haven't spoken to anyone about this. Anyway, the basic story is that she told his dad that we put him up to it. She refuses to look at it.

I called her back and tried to talk to her (calmly) and she accused me of telling him to call me "mom." Which is totally false. She said he told his stepdad this. While on the phone with her I asked Zac if I ever made him say that and he said "no." She hung up.

My question is....what they heck do we do? :|

Anyone been in this situation before?

 

[BDawg]

Originally posted by: FettsBabe
Here's the story...

Yesterday, my stepson told me that he asked is mother if he could stay with his dad more. She asked him if he liked it at her home and he replied yes, but I want to see my dad more. I would like to see both of you the same amount of time. She asked him if his dad told him to say it (basically asking if we put him up to it) and he said my daddy didn't tell me to ask you. I wanted to. She told him that he couldn't because he doesn't get enough sleep at our home. He knows he goes to bed at the same time as well as gets up at the same time. She told his step-dad and he said "No that can't happen." He comes to our house last night and tells us. He also said he was sad. He tells his dad that he wants him to talk to his mom.

When she called to talk to him I told her he was doing his homework (he really was) and gave the phone to his dad. He talked to her about it and she kept saying "no." She denied ever saying all of the things I listed above and said that he said "Daddy wanted me to ask you if I could stay at his house more." He told her that she would have to look at it eventually and she said no that she never would. He said if I have to I will go to court. She said "don't threaten me." He told her it wasn't a threat. She said a 10 year old can't decide. (FYI-In NC, there isn't an age requirement. However, its normally around 12. He will be 11 this in March). He told her its apparent you haven't spoken to anyone about this. Anyway, the basic story is that she told his dad that we put him up to it. She refuses to look at it.

I called her back and tried to talk to her (calmly) and she accused me of telling him to call me "mom." Which is totally false. She said he told his stepdad this. While on the phone with her I asked Zac if I ever made him say that and he said "no." She hung up.

My question is....what they heck do we do? :|

Anyone been in this situation before?

I thought there was an age requirement in NC. My friend couldn't stop visitation with his dad until he was 16.

IMHO, it's clear she doesn't want to give up majority custody and won't listen to what the child wants. Nothing you say is going to change that she thinks you have brainwashed the kid.

I think you should talk to a lawyer about this and work on getting a Judge to change custody.

 

I seem to be in almost the same situation as you are.
It can be very tough and emotionally draining when dealing with the childrens welfare especially when there are adults who act like children themselves.(In no regards is this staement aimed at you)
The best thing to do is to have a meeting with all involved (Including the child),with a nuetral mediator (Someone who both parties agree upon) and talk this situation out.
If this is not done,the resentment will only maginify itself to the point of no return and it is the child who is going to suffer the consequences.

This meeting will not be easy on all the parties,but in time it will help all the people involved.
What ever happens,always think of the childs welfare first (Make this point to the other parties as well).

I wish you luck Fettsbabe.

 

[mcveigh]

I'm sorry to hear that

for what it's worth, my parents got divorced when I was 2 and I had to go through things like what your step-son is going through. I loved both my parents and wished I could spend more time with both. it was really hard. the woman my father remarried to was the most evil person I have ever met. So that didn't help, she really manipulated my dad alot (thank god they are divorced).

I'm currently the step-father to 2 wonderful kids ( 5 and 7) they call me daddy, but I never asked them to. (I remeber being forced to call dad's 2nd wife "mum" puke) Their dad never comes around and hasn't called since last Christmas (didn't call on their birthday even) that's fine with me. I get along pretty good with his parents, not the best but they love the kids.

Just hang in there and talk to your son about things don';t try to hide things from him.

 

[Nitemare]

Sorry to hear that. Child custody fights are brutal to say the least. About the only recourse in this is to go back to court and let the child speak his mind in front of the judge. Traumatic for the child, but it looks like the mother does not have his best interests in mind and is being greedy.

Rarely does the father get custody of a child, especially in North Carolina. The mother would have to be on welfare, on drugs and a frequent jail visitor to lose custody here...Sad but true..

Good Luck

 

[kherman]

Originally posted by: FettsBabe
Here's the story...

Yesterday, my stepson told me that he asked is mother if he could stay with his dad more. She asked him if he liked it at her home and he replied yes, but I want to see my dad more. I would like to see both of you the same amount of time. She asked him if his dad told him to say it (basically asking if we put him up to it) and he said my daddy didn't tell me to ask you. I wanted to. She told him that he couldn't because he doesn't get enough sleep at our home. He knows he goes to bed at the same time as well as gets up at the same time. She told his step-dad and he said "No that can't happen." He comes to our house last night and tells us. He also said he was sad. He tells his dad that he wants him to talk to his mom.

When she called to talk to him I told her he was doing his homework (he really was) and gave the phone to his dad. He talked to her about it and she kept saying "no." She denied ever saying all of the things I listed above and said that he said "Daddy wanted me to ask you if I could stay at his house more." He told her that she would have to look at it eventually and she said no that she never would. He said if I have to I will go to court. She said "don't threaten me." He told her it wasn't a threat. She said a 10 year old can't decide. (FYI-In NC, there isn't an age requirement. However, its normally around 12. He will be 11 this in March). He told her its apparent you haven't spoken to anyone about this. Anyway, the basic story is that she told his dad that we put him up to it. She refuses to look at it.

I called her back and tried to talk to her (calmly) and she accused me of telling him to call me "mom." Which is totally false. She said he told his stepdad this. While on the phone with her I asked Zac if I ever made him say that and he said "no." She hung up.

My question is....what they heck do we do? :|

Anyone been in this situation before?

OK, retype this to use actual names, because it gets real confusing, really fast. I had to read it twice and I'm still not sure if I got it correct.

 

[Kevin]

It sounds like your stepsons mother is either jealous or kniving and very insecure. If she really loved her child, she would do whatever she could to make him happy. If he wanted to see his father more, she would allow it still knowing that he loved her. Instead, it seems that she's trying to find every opportunity to turn him against his father and his father against his child.

 

[FettsBabe]

I totally agree with all the parties involved meeting with the child, but.......

The problem is we have offered (for several years) to pay for counseling 100% but she refuses to go. She says "I don't have time." The father has Joint Custody (she has primary and him secondary). There isn't an age requirement in NC.

She acts like she doesn't have a problem. My stepson says totally different things compared to what she says. He said "my mom did say that."

We hope to talk to a counselor next week. I hope he will see us. Last time he said it wouldn't do any good unless she went too. She would attend the meeting if her son went, but she won't be there for the right reason. She will only be there because she is thinking "we are trying to get something over on her." I wish people could just get along and do what is best for the child.

 

[gopunk]

i vote you kill the b!tch

man i hate people like that....

sorry, i don't have much advice other than to find a really good way to kill her (don't get caught).... good luck!

 

[Jfur]

Originally posted by: FettsBabe
I totally agree with all the parties involved meeting with the child, but.......

The problem is we have offered (for several years) to pay for counseling 100% but she refuses to go. She says "I don't have time." The father has Joint Custody (she has primary and him secondary). There isn't an age requirement in NC.

She acts like she doesn't have a problem. My stepson says totally different things compared to what she says. He said "my mom did say that."

We hope to talk to a counselor next week. I hope he will see us. Last time he said it wouldn't do any good unless she went too. She would attend the meeting if her son went, but she won't be there for the right reason. She will only be there because she is thinking "we are trying to get something over on her." I wish people could just get along and do what is best for the child.

It sounds like she is really offended to not be his absolute #1 favorite. It's hard to deal with, especially when you are behaving well and she is obviously just being stubborn. One thing I would advise is to be SURE to never badmouth her in any way to your stepson. My parents were divorced when I was very young and one parent went to extremes to get back at the other through me. Looking back, I know that parent did that because they felt threatened, but I am SO grateful for the one that did not do that.

The advice above seems excellent. Is there a way to get the court to request mediation? Maybe the counselor can help find a way to get her involved. Try (as hard as it is) not to set off any of her many insecurities about how her son feels. That may be impossible, but choose your words and attitude carefully to avoid transforming her into an even bigger monster. An example would be: never get in a situation where you use the child to verify that what she said was false. She probablyt won't listen and will get even more hysterical. She is not being driven by reason at this point, so no good argument wil make a dent in her weird mind state.

Good luck to you!

 

[Tsaico]

Counseling is a good idea, because they can log problems and you have a third party that will verify it. And if she doen't want to go to counseling, then go without her. Ask the counselor what you should do to get the other mom to go. In the end, it is about the stepson. I had a friend whose parents got divorced when he was 8. They fought to no end over who should have custody and who was the evil person. I can tell you it was really tough on him. While his parents were always fighing, he just became a member of my family because he hated to go to either parent because they would just bad mouth the other and try to get him to be on their "side".

(personally, it sound like the mother is a B!tch. I hate it when they use kids to muscle their way. Or if all she really wants is the child support checks from your husband)

 

[mcveigh]

counseling is a good idea, but if you aren't 100% comfortable with the therapist you need to switch.

 

[FettsBabe]

We don't intentionally bad mouth her in front of him. Sometimes he asks us if we agree with her decisions and we won't lie to him. Alot of the times we do disagree though. One example is that she wouldn't let him look at the caller id...she said it was her husbands and her busy only. My thoughts: Often when they were home she would let our calls go to the answering machine when I knew they were home. If he could look at it then he would know she let his dad's call go to voicemail. He said that he told her "I have to look at it when I pick up the phone (its on the phone)." She sent him to bed. He told us that the "rule was silly." We told him he could look at ours if he ever wanted to. He also said he felt sorry for his little brother and sister because they have to stay there all the time with the silly rules and sometimes he gets to leave. He told us and we told her because we saw it as him developing resentment towards her. She asked him and he told her he said it and why he did. Then they asked him "don't you like it here?" He said yeah but the rule is silly.

Ever once in a while we may slip and say something we shouldn't in front of him, but everyone will do that ever now and then. Last night was one of those. No, I shouldn't have asked him. She shouldn't have blatently lied about her son. He has told us before that she lies and changes her statements to him even when he knows the real truth. I wanted her to see that he would stand up to her and her lies. He did and she hung up. Thats what makes me proud of him. Eventhough he is in this situation he still holds good values and is like his father (honest and fun).

I do believe that her resentment is due to him loving his dad so much. However, I don't feel sorry for her. She has had every opportunity to change the situation and she refuses to help herself. She gets farther away from him each day. I hope she will realize this and change it before he completely grows up. If she doesn't he may hardly ever visit her.

 

[FettsBabe]

Yes we can get mediation, but you have to file a custody case first. We are going to schedule a counseling appt. and take him. She will probably go just to make sure "we aren't trying to get anything on her."

 

[dude8604]

Sounds like you need to work this out in court, or with a mediator. I think to officially change the custody rights, you have to clear it with a court and get a judge's approval. You might want to talk to a lawyer too.

 

[BD231]

Poor kid :disgust:, way to many children are going through this these day's.

 

[NesuD]

Poor kid hope he makes it through this ok. Speaking as one that has been there. I can say some of this stuff will stay with him a lot longer than most people realize. I am 42 now and i still remember very vividly the crap my mother used to pull on my Dad through me and my siblings. Between her and my Stepmother it's a wonder that we didn't all go nuts. They are a couple of nasty women. Fortunately my Dad didn't allow himself to use us that way and never once said a negative thing about my mother that i can remember in spite of the way she would constantly bad mouth him to us. We might have been kids but we weren't blind. We could see what was going on there very clearly.

 

[notfred]

divorce sucks.

 

[gopunk]

covert homicide is always an option

 

[FettsBabe]

I agree that some of it will stay with him. Thats the sad part.

I don't let her tell us what to do and we confront her on this crap whenever we can. We do everything via letter because she loves to "change" her story and deny stuff. If we do it via letter and she does to then we can pull the letter, highlight her statements and show them to her.