I need some serious advice. No flamers need apply.

[Phoenix15]

Here's a little back ground on my problem. My fiance's parents have been divorced a little under a year. They had been married for about 22 years. The reason they gave was that they had just grown apart. My fiance was 19 at the time, and her younger brother was 16.

Ever since the breakup, Ray (her dad) has continued to help Rhonda (her mom) just like he was still married. He gave her cash for a down payment on a new car, takes her out to eat, pays her way on outings etc.. (you will see why this pisses me off later)

Since the divorce Rhoda has started dating a guy, who happens to be black. This doesn't bother me or anyone else, other than Ray. He isn't rasist or against black people, I guess he just believes that inter racial stuff is harder to make work. (Especially in the deep south where I live)

Here is the dilemma. Wade (fiance's little bro) told me something yesterday. He said that about a year before the divorce he was looking for something in his parents room. He picked up a book and a pic fell out. He picked it up and looked at it. It was a pic of a young black guy. He stuck it back in the book and forgot about it.

Fast forward to a few days ago, when he met the guy she has been dating. Gueess what? It's the guy who's pic his mom had hidden in the book more than a year before the divorce. He told me and put a few other clues together. For instance she had been talking to this guy over AIM for several months before the breakup and was very secretive about what they talked about. We now believe this to be the guy she is now dating.

To cut to the heart of it, we think she had been having a long affair with this guy for years before they were divorced. We think that Ray found out, and that's why they divorced.

I even remember the time when I believe he confronted her about it. She left at about 10 am and said she was going grocery shopping. She gets back at about 7am with no groceries. They then got in a huge arguement and they left for two hours. We were just driving up when she got back. Her dad is usually very laid back, but you could have fried a egg on his forehead at that moment.

What I need advice over is this. Should I tell my fiance about the things me and her brother know? She still thinks that they were divorced because of them growing apart. She told me this morning about how her Mom is talking non stop about how great this guy is. Yet, she still expects Ray to pay for everything, and still asks him to take her places etc.. He's basically too nice of a guy to stop he rfrom shitting on her.

What do you guy think? I am totally at a fooking loss here.

 

[Ih8canada]

it's not your family yet, dont get involved.

 

[Mister T]

dude why dont you have wade tell her?

He is her brother right?

 

[Adul]

Originally posted by: Mister T
dude why dont you have wade tell her?

He is her brother right?

 

[Phoenix15]

I am eaning toward both me and Wade sittinbg down for a convo. I don't want her to find out in a few years, and ask why we didn't tell her.


God, this is a fooked up situation.

 

[OREOSpeedwagon]

I agree, don't get involved. EDIT: Okay, bad use of words there What I meant was have the family work it out, you shouldn't get involved. Wade should be the one to tell her.

 

[skyking]

It is up to her mom or dad to tell her. It is possible you and Wade may be wrong, and any meddling in other folks' business is rarely well recieved or constructive.
She has a relationship with her parents, and it is between them, and you are not a part of it. It goes way back before you were a part of the picture.
Best thing you can do is hang tough, and admit you had suspicions about it if and when it does come out.

 

[propellerhead]

DO NOT get involved. What Wade told you was just something he had to get off his shoulders. No response or action required. Let the chips fall where they fall and don't do anything. Your fiance will understand.

 

[rudder]

I would convince Wade to have a one on one with his mother. She needs to come clean to her family. Wade should see that she is treating her ex-husband like a putz.

Give her the opportunity to come clean. If not Wade should let his dad in on the info himself.

 

[MichaelD]

The urge to look the other way is strong and is also the easy way out. You ARE involved already, unfortunately.

My GF's parents recently got divorced after living apart for two years. It was a nasty divorce. She wanted his pension, he wanted her to repay the money he paid to put her thru nursing school, etc.

Everytime I'd go see the father, he'd complain about the mother and ask me questions. Vice-versa for the mom. I just told them "I like you both and it's your problems that you have to work out." Personally, her father is a scumbag and her mother is psychotic, but hey, I keep that to myself.

I suggest this:

Your fiancee DOES need to know this, to get it out in the open now, b/c it will come back to haunt her and YOU later. Let her brother tell her. Alone, w/o you there. He can tell her "Bob (or whatever your name is) knows too" and let her take it from there.

It's not your place to say "your mom is a slut." That's MHO. Good luck, whatever path you choose.

 

[StageLeft]

her mother is psychotic

But aren't all mothers fuggin nuts?

 

[Hammer]

yeah, the responsibility lies with the brother. Get him to do it.

 

[Phoenix15]

I wish I had just never damn found out. I don't see a way out that doesn't hurt someone. I guess I jus thave to pick who to hurt.

 

[ThePresence]

Well, if you dont tell her, when she finds out (which she will), and when she finds out that you knew (which she might), she will be really pissed at you for not telling her. On the other hand, if you just come out and tell her, she'll be pissed and probably not believe you right away. But she'll probably get over that. I would get her brother to talk to her, and he should mention the fact that you urged him to talk to her because you didnt want to hurt her or something like that. But that might just be a cop-out. Thats a tough situation you got over there.

 

[Hammer]

even if he does tell her, she'll still be pissed he waited this long. Get the brother to do it, and use the "I don't recall" defense to anything that comes up.

Originally posted by: ThePresence
Well, if you dont tell her, when she finds out (which she will), and when she finds out that you knew (which she might), she will be really pissed at you for not telling her. On the other hand, if you just come out and tell her, she'll be pissed and probably not believe you right away. But she'll probably get over that. I would get her brother to talk to her, and he should mention the fact that you urged him to talk to her because you didnt want to hurt her or something like that. But that might just be a cop-out. Thats a tough situation you got over there.

 

[Jzero]

we think she had been having a long affair with this guy for years before they were divorced. We think that Ray found out, and that's why they divorced.

There's an awful lot of "we think" here and an awful little of "we know."
Your fiancee's parents are both consenting adults. They have their own business, they make their own decisions, and they make their own call on who to share with the specific reasons for what they do. Maybe mom's relationship with this guy had nothing to do with the divorce. Maybe it did. No one knows that unless they ask mom, and I'd say since it's Wade who guessed this all out, that if he wants to know the truth, it's his job to confront her.

If mom doesn't admit it, or still wants Wade to keep it a secret, that's their business, and if it ever comes down to you, I'd tell the wifey that it was none of my business to start speculating as to who or what broke their marriage apart. If she doesn't like it, she can suck it.
Why should this be your problem?

 

[allisolm]

Should I tell my fiance about the things me and her brother know?

Think about exactly what you "know". You know only what her brother told you and it seems that the only factual thing he told you is that he found a picture of a guy about a year before the divorce and that after the divorce the mother was dating this guy. Everything else is we "think" and he "believes". You "believe" that the guy she is dating is the same one she was talking to.
You "think" that she had been having an affair with him.
You "think" that Ray found out.
You "think" that this is why they divorced.
You"believe" that he confronted her about it.

According to your post, you don't know any of that for sure. Why they divorced is between them and so is the choice of what to tell their children. What you and her brother have decided to be the truth could be way off the mark. Let Wade tell her what he found and she can draw her own conclusions which may not match yours. Ask yourself what good would come of telling her all your ASSUMPTIONS (we know about that word) especially if your conclusions turn out to be wrong.

 

[Phoenix15]

Iguess I should have made myself a little more clear. There are MANY other clues to point to her having an affair. They are jsut to numerous and too complicated to post here. I believe, beyond a reasonable doubt, that she was involved with him. That old saying "Where there's smoke there's fire?" It's smokey as hell in here.

 

[rufruf44]

I just found it amusing that as soon as it was mentioned that the other person is black, it has to be followed by the standard "not racist" disclaimer and explanation. Has it evolved to the point that you can't refer to a black person in a less than positive tone without fear of being labeled as racist ?

Anyway, I'll concur with allisolm. You can urge the brother to go forward, but sticking your foot in there without knowing the fact 100% is just asking for trouble. You might break up the family even more, based on assumption alone.

 

[skyking]

Smoky or not, it is not your business to meddle in your fiancee's parent's business. That is what you are proposing to do. If this goes bad, you have effectively trashed your fiancee's and your relationship with either parent, and for what? You may trash your relationship with your fiancee this way also. You asked for advice, and many have told you to leave it alone.

 

[BuckleDownBen]

I have to g oagainst all the advice you've received so far. This is your fiance, which, to me, is as almost equivalent to your wife. I am of the opinion that a man and his wife should have no secrets. Tell her you have something that you need to get off her chest. Hell, she may already know.

 

[Cyberian]

One more vote for "let Wade tell her" and if things ever come to a head, that you had an idea but certainly weren't sure.

 

[FettsBabe]

Wade and you should get together and tell you. She will need your support when he does. Also, her mom's digging his wallet and he needs to stop giving her money and tell her new "bo" to pay for his woman...not Ray!

 

[ThePresence]

Originally posted by: BuckleDownBen
I have to g oagainst all the advice you've received so far. This is your fiance, which, to me, is as almost equivalent to your wife. I am of the opinion that a man and his wife should have no secrets. Tell her you have something that you need to get off her chest. Hell, she may already know.

What if he's wrong? Then he's in deep trouble.

 

[FettsBabe]

Ok lets analyze the clues...

1. Photo of a black guy found in a book in his parents room.
2. Why wasn't the photo in a normal place (box, photo album, etc)?
3. Was the photo in her book?
4. From what I gather there aren't any black guys in his family.
5. Parents divorce (grew apart)....thats words for his mom didn't care about her hubby anymore and moved on! Yep, seeing someone else for the longterm usually means they grew apart.
6. She's getting money from her x-hubby but is shacked up with a new "bo."
7. Photo resembles guy she is now seeing who also happens to be black.

Coincidence??? I don't think so