I need some help and support with the death of a *very* close friend...

[homercles337]

I need to preserve this man's memory for his son, but i need inspiration since its so painful every time i try to write about him. This is a paragraph i just wrote to my boss.

He was a "consultant" to me on so many things that its a huge loss. He would have written a few pages in email on what to do with joint densities (HT). He was a statistician for a major health insurance company. He would have guided on the clustering of terabytes of data too, since that was what he did everyday. He sent an email to me about lacking appetite and i told him to go to the doctor for tests. The next email a month later was that he had stomach cancer that spread to his liver, kidneys, and brain. The next message was an email from his wife. She wants me to write about him for their son. He's 18 months old and Loren was 36 years old. 36! Maybe this paragraph is a start? This is a *huge* loss for me, but im doing ok. I just felt like sharing.

BTW, for those of you that dont know, im a scientist in biotech that contributes to cancer (along with many other nasty diseases) research, and we will find treatments and cures in our lifetimes.

 

[moonbit]

I just lost my closest friend in March, so I understand completely what you're going through. Give yourself time to grieve and for the pain to lessen in its intensity. When you're ready, get together others that were close to your friend, and work on putting memories together as a group. You'll come up with so much more than you would've thought of on your own, as someone will say "remember how he used to..." and someone else will reply "oh yeah, that reminds me of the time when...." It'll be a bittersweet experience, and everyone will be able to offer support when it becomes too much for someone.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend's family.

 

[Flyback]

Writing is a formal process. It's often difficult to give unedited and raw emotion, preserving the truth and your intent in it.

For something like this I'd consider plugging a microphone into your computer and recording some digital audio files. If you have a laptop all the better so you can take it some place comfortable, maybe in your living room or basement or bedroom just laying around and truly reflecting, not staring at the screen "thinking". Staring at ceilings, walls, and just letting it flow. Outside would be nice (porch or patio in back) if you don't have neighbors within earshot/to maintain privacy as you do it.

You could do it with a voice recorder or a tape (mini or full size) but those tend to degrade with time. Using an audio file allows you to make lots of copies very easily and preserve it.

Edit: Also this conveys the humanity of it too, if you laugh recalling some good times you had then it is conveyed to him listening to it and the son knows how much he meant to you and others. Just the same if you cry or whatnot. This is more difficult but worth it.

 

[imported_Baloo]

First, you do not need to preserve this man's memory for his son, your need is for yourself. Get that thru your head, then start writing.

 

[homercles337]

Thanks for the encouragement n00bs. I really appreciate it given that i have been considering buying a gun. I guess im not very popular around here. Oh well, fuck 'em.

 

[FP]

Originally posted by: homercles337
Thanks for the encouragement n00bs. I really appreciate it given that i have been considering buying a gun. I guess im not very popular around here. Oh well, fuck 'em.

What does this post mean? It looked to me like they were trying to give honest help.

I feel for you as I am going through something similar but lashing out isn't going to help.

 

[DanTMWTMP]

Originally posted by: homercles337
Thanks for the encouragement n00bs. I really appreciate it given that i have been considering buying a gun. I guess im not very popular around here. Oh well, fuck 'em.

ehh???? wtf are you babbling about. you have 3 quality replies; all of which were very sound and good advice. why are you complaining? wtf is your problem?

 

[TallBill]

Originally posted by: homercles337
Thanks for the encouragement n00bs. I really appreciate it given that i have been considering buying a gun. I guess im not very popular around here. Oh well, fuck 'em.

What the hell are you talking about?

 

[Journer]

sucks man. i lost my best friend to cancer back in high school...just gotta learn to move on with life

 

[homercles337]

Originally posted by: TallBill

Originally posted by: homercles337
Thanks for the encouragement n00bs. I really appreciate it given that i have been considering buying a gun. I guess im not very popular around here. Oh well, fuck 'em.

What the hell are you talking about?

Nothing man, nothing. Forget about it. Im in a really dark place right now.

 

[homercles337]

Thanks for your support ATOT. :thumbsdown:

 

[PokerGuy]

Cancer is truly awful. It slowly destroys a person you love, bit by bit, until it finally kills them. Sorry about the loss. Anger and frustration are normal part of grieving, go with it. If you need to vent, vent. Write down any thoughts that come to mind when you think about the guy, and some day his son will really appreciate reading that. He will never know his father, but he will know that he was a good person and meant something to others.

 

[TallBill]

Originally posted by: homercles337
Thanks for your support ATOT. :thumbsdown:

I cant even comprehend what your first post is asking. What paragraph are you talking about? What exactly are you looking for?

I'm sorry for your loss, but lashing out isn't helping. Are you writing something about this guy for his family? If he was a very close friend, just speak from your heart.

 

[Flyback]

Originally posted by: homercles337
Thanks for your support ATOT. :thumbsdown:

Please read my post?

 

[kranky]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

One thing I can say is that you will experience a tremendous range of emotions, some of which might seem terrible to you - just accept them all and don't bother with guilt. There is no right or wrong in how you feel or what you say.

I'm not in any way trying to steer what you say, but just wanted to offer a few things that might trigger some thoughts for you as you write... What was Loren passionate about? How did he react when his son was born? How was he regarded by his friends and co-workers? Did he ever share any anecdotes from his childhood? What was the funniest thing you and he ever shared? Did he have any (non-insulting) quirks? Did he have any favorite sayings? Was he a joke-teller? What did he like to eat? What did he do outside of work? What did you admire about Loren? How did he affect your life through your friendship? Did he ever share any hopes or dreams about his son? What kind of music did he like? How did you meet? Were you friends immediately? Was he neat/sloppy/sharp dresser/casual dresser?

 

[IGBT]

..I have a friend who just lost a lung to lung cancer and is going thru hell with the "treatments". You guys in research are doing wonderful work but your not funded adeqately. In many cases your on a shoe string budget trying to do research to find treatments to save and extend life. Please talk/tell people about this. We're squandering much needed research money on foolish political issues that fail to help people that really need it. In the final analysis we will all be touched by cancer and we need something better then the cut/burn/poison strategy presently employeed. I lost my mother to ovarian cancer 25 years ago(died at 53 after 2 years of "treatment") and the treatment for ovarian cancer is largely the same 25 years later. We need to do a hell of a lot better. Much of cancer therapy seems to have plateaued and in a rut. Sorry for your loss and goodluck on your mission to save a friends memory and our lives.

 

[trOver]

Originally posted by: homercles337
Thanks for your support ATOT. :thumbsdown:

youve been here since 2004, 2 years before I joined, and from my observations during the last year or two, I think these people have given you some very good advice/encouragement/help and are trying very hard to lighten you up. I would assume from your longer experience with the forums than I that you would notice this and give some positive feedback to their advice, and not shove it down their throats. We understand your going through a tuff time, but no need to get mad at people who are trying to help...

 

[MrDudeMan]

I am pretty confused by the OP's roller coaster emotions...what is going on man? The first 3 replies and the questions about your response following them were all legitimate.

 

[HomeBrewerDude]

I think it will be important for you to talk about the person you knew. Describe your relationship with him, but don't get too technical about the work details. Keep it human, and about your friendship.

If you can't do it, then talk to the widow and let her know your struggling despite wanting to help. She's obviously grieving herself and she may not realize what she's asking of you.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: homercles337
Thanks for the encouragement n00bs. I really appreciate it given that i have been considering buying a gun. I guess im not very popular around here. Oh well, fuck 'em.

WTF? It could just be your general bad attitude. You only waited 45 mins between you OP and this message. 7pm EST is hardly prime time here.

 

[homercles337]

I want to apologize to anyone i slighted. This is a *very* difficult time for me and im not feeling "well." I appreciate the tips and will share what i eventually write. Its not going to be soon though.

 

[mh47g]

For the very few times in my life that i've written anything (usually poems) I don't think about it, I just do it.

That's the only way you can assure what you're writing is what you mean...

 

[moshquerade]

Originally posted by: homercles337

Originally posted by: TallBill

Originally posted by: homercles337
Thanks for the encouragement n00bs. I really appreciate it given that i have been considering buying a gun. I guess im not very popular around here. Oh well, fuck 'em.

What the hell are you talking about?

Nothing man, nothing. Forget about it. Im in a really dark place right now.

snap out of it. :|

ffs, a man is dying and his wife asked you to help preserve his memory for their child. stop feeling bad for yourself and direct that energy into helping his wife achieve a memoir.
keep writing, and write through your tears. write down all you can think about this man. things you admire about him, events that have happened where he showed what a good person he was, and especially any times he spoke of his wife and child. did you work with him when his wife found out she was pregnant? if so, recall that incident on paper in great detail.

you can do it.

Originally posted by: homercles337
I want to apologize to anyone i slighted. This is a *very* difficult time for me and im not feeling "well." I appreciate the tips and will share what i eventually write. Its not going to be soon though.

alright, that's better. hey, my father died of cancer 9 freakin months after he was diagnosed. i know what you are going through. there were times i felt like i didn't want to go on, but is that what the cancer victim would want? NO!
you need to do whatever you can to help out, and not get lost in your own gloom.