I need some good jokes for physics class...almost anything acceptable.

[SithSolo1]

I need some really funny jokes to turn in so the teacher can read them the next day.

Blonde jokes, science jokes, bar jokes, anything will do with a few exceptions:

Nothing overly sick
Nothing utterly stupid

Audience: Physics 1111(College for those who don't know, so adult humor is fine.)
The teacher will read just about anything and has nothing against cussing in class.

Thanks,
J.

Edit: I thought about it and sciences jokes and "nothing utterly stupid nullify each other so unless its really really funny no science humor.

 

[Somecallmetim]

Ok, one day a atom walks into a bar looking sad
so the bartender asks him,"Whats wrong buddy?"
to which the atom replies," I lost an electron today."
the bartender asks, "Are you sure?"
and the atom says, "Yes, im positive"

Get it? Get it?

 

[SithSolo1]

Don't take offense but that is the exact joke that promted the "Nothing uttery stupid" line

Plus its already been done this year, along with the Bear Pause bar joke.

 

[Somecallmetim]

I got it from Don McMillian, a comedian. Not posting it as an original, but on the topic.

 

[waylman]

I have a classic for you.

Guy 1 (lets call him Bob) comes into work one morning looking very disheveled.
Guy 2 (lets call him Steve) walks into Bob's office, notices that he doesn't look so well, and asks "What's wrong with you?"
Bob replies, "well I went out drinking last night and just got hammered. I got way too drunk and went home and blew chunks."
Steve smirks, "well that's what you get for drinking too much....of course you are going to throw up."
Bob looks up and says, "no you don't get it, Chunks is my dog."

 

[SithSolo1]

Hahahahahaha

 

[lokiju]

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in Divorce Court.
The judge turns to Mickey Mouse and says "I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds that Minnie mouse is insane".
In response to this Mickey says "Judge, I didn't say that she was insane, I said she was fvcking Goofy!"

 

[Lalakai]

You can modify these a bit to make 'em work. Have fun

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, ?Why does it work??
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, ?How does it work??
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, ?How much will it cost??
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, ?Do you want fries with that??

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real work approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection??..

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, ?It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.? Another said, ?No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems have many thousands of electrical connections.? The last said, ?Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area.?

An architect, an artist and engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, ?I like both.? ?Both?? the architect and artist asked. ?Yeah? said the engineer. ?If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go the lab and get some work done.?

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. ?Where did you get such a rockin? bike?? asked the first. The second engineer replied ?Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. The woman threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said ?Take what you want.?? The first engineer nodded approvingly ?Good choice! The clothes probably wouldn?t have fit.?

A PESSIMIST sees a glass that?s half empty.
An OPTIMIST sees a glass that?s half full
An ENGINEER sees a glass that?s twice as big as it needs to be.

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he?s been saved by divine intervention, so he?s let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn?t release the blade. He claims he can?t be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free also. They grabbed the engineer and shoved his head under the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, ?Wait a minute, I see your problem?..?

 

[NogginBoink]

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender says sorry, we don't serve strings in here.

The string leaves and decides to try again with a disguise. He puts on a trenchcoat and a hat, and unravels his ends and twists them up.

He goes back into the bar.

The bartender says, hey, aren't you the string I kicked outa here a few minutes ago?

The string says no, I'm a frayed knot.

 

[SWScorch]

A pirate walks into a bar, and strolls up to the bar for a drink.
The bartender looks at him and says 'Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate looks at him and says "Arrrrrrrr, it's drivin me nuts!"

 

[dxkj]

hehehe

 

[SithSolo1]

Great stuff Lalakai but this Physics is just a step up from remedial physics.

 

[SaturnX]

Why the chicken cross the road?

Well it depends on your frame of reference, if the chicken crossed the road, or if the road crossed the chicken.

Good ol' cheesy Physics joke

--Mark

 

[Ynog]

Go this off the Maxim site for today.
More if anyone wants to look - http://www.maximonline.com/jokes/archive_All_1.html

A ventriloquist is visiting an Indian reservation and decides to have a little fun with the chief.

?Hey there,? he says. ?I bet I can make your horse talk.?

?Horse no talk,? says the chief.

?We?ll see,? says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, ?So how does your master treat you??

?Pretty well,? says the horse. ?He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over.?

?I bet I can make the dog talk, too,? says the ventriloquist.

?Dog no talk,? says the chief.

?How about you?? the ventriloquist asks the dog. ?Is he good to you too??

?Yup,? says the dog. ?We play fetch.?

?Let?s see what the sheep has to say,? says the ventriloquist.

?Wait!? yells the chief. ?Sheep lie! Sheep lie!?

 

[Ynog]

Another good one.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12, and asks which the young man wants. ?Well,? he said, ?I?ve been seeing this girl for a while and she?s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight?s ?the night.? We?re having dinner with her parents, and then we?re going out. And I?ve got a feeling I?m gonna get lucky after that. Once she?s had me, she?ll want me all the time, so you?d better give me the 12 pack.? The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, ?You never told me that you were such a religious person.?

He leans over to her and says, ?You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.?

 

[brunswickite]

Originally posted by: Somecallmetim
Ok, one day a atom walks into a bar looking sad
so the bartender asks him,"Whats wrong buddy?"
to which the atom replies," I lost an electron today."
the bartender asks, "Are you sure?"
and the atom says, "Yes, im positive"

Get it? Get it?

haha this one is great anymore on this level of corny?

 

[Encryptic]

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


A: Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in Jacuzzis.



A panda goes to bed with a prostitute. They have sex, then the panda gets up to leave. The prostitute goes "Hey! You didn't pay me yet," and throws a dictionary at the panda, telling it to look up "prostitute" in the dictionary. Panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up "panda". The prostitute reads the definition as "Panda: animal that eats bushes, shoots and leaves."



Three nuns die and go to Heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and asks them to confess their sins. The first nun says: "I've touched a penis with my hand." St. Peter points to a basin of holy water and says, "OK, go ahead and wash your hand with holy water and go on in."

Second nun says, "I've had a penis in my mouth." St. Peter says, "OK, wash your mouth out with holy water and go on in."

Third nun comes up and whispers "Forgive me, but I pissed in the holy water."


WARNING: This one is BAD, but I can't stop laughing...



Q: What actor would Christopher Reeve switch places with if he could switch places with any actor?


A: Christopher Walken

 

[brunswickite]

Originally posted by: Encryptic
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


A: Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in Jacuzzis.



A panda goes to bed with a prostitute. They have sex, then the panda gets up to leave. The prostitute goes "Hey! You didn't pay me yet," and throws a dictionary at the panda, telling it to look up "prostitute" in the dictionary. Panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up "panda". The prostitute reads the definition as "Panda: animal that eats bushes, shoots and leaves."



Three nuns die and go to Heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and asks them to confess their sins. The first nun says: "I've touched a penis with my hand." St. Peter points to a basin of holy water and says, "OK, go ahead and wash your hand with holy water and go on in."

Second nun says, "I've had a penis in my mouth." St. Peter says, "OK, wash your mouth out with holy water and go on in."

Third nun comes up and whispers "Forgive me, but I pissed in the holy water."


WARNING: This one is BAD, but I can't stop laughing...



Q: What actor would Christopher Reeve switch places with if he could switch places with any actor?


A: Christopher Walken

ahahahahha that last one is great

 

[MagicianBdotCom]

Q: What actor would Christopher Reeve switch places with if he could switch places with any actor?


A: Christopher Walken

... ouch (but I'm laughing... in horror)

 

[SithSolo1]

Good stuff people, keep it coming.

 

[Encryptic]

Q: How can you tell if a guy's a porn star?

A: When he puts gas in his car, he pulls the nozzle out and sprays gas all over the side of the car


Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

A: There are no dental records and the DNA is all the same.