I need some advice from you guys......

Yeeny

Lifer
Feb 2, 2000
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My uncle left my aunt four months ago. They have been married for 35 years, and she is taking this badly, of course. (She is 51, he is 53.)Well the problem is, she keeps calling me crying and saying all these things. Like she knows he is not really gone, he is just trying to teach her a lesson and he will be back. He left her for another woman, and I do not believe he will ever come back. Well, I have tried talking to her, but all she does is cry and say she needs him to go on. Then she starts ranting about how this "wh*re" (the other woman) stole her husband and its all her fault he left. I have tried explaining to her that men do not leave because of other women, that there is usually another problem involved somewhere deeper in the relationship. And even if that is not the case, she needs to be angry at him, as he is the one who left her. My aunt kept the house absolutely disgusting, with dishes piled up for days, and laundry always stacked on every surface imaginable. But my uncle was also abusive to her, from what she says. So to me, they are both at fault for the relationship failing. Him more so than her, because I do not believe in hitting anybody for any reason. She is delusional about this situation. So my question is how do I help her move on with her life, I feel like I am doing her absolutely no good talking to her with what I am saying. I am hoping somebody has been through something similar with a friend or family member, that they could give me some advice. I just had to deal with an abusive situation in my own immediate family, and I am getting tired of the depth of denial in my family, and also how it always feels that I am somehow responsible to make it better for the older people in my family. I know that sounds awful, and I would never tell anybody no when they needed help, but it just gets old after awhile. I am tired of feeling drained for others mistakes, and feeling like even though I have never abused anyone, I still have to pick up others pieces.
 

Dean

Platinum Member
Oct 10, 1999
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Seems like she married young and he became her entire existance which is very sad. Try getting her involved with the community somehow. Once she interacts and has responsibilities with others he will take up less and less of her mind and heart. She will eventually break away from his grip and might find someone else who is nicer and will matter to her. It will take time though.
 

SufferinSuccotash

Senior member
Jun 4, 2000
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I would tend to agree with Dean. I don't know anyone that's gone through this, but it seems to me that once she realizes there is life after a split, she'll have an easier time coping. I doubt the pain will ever go away completely, so I think the best thing is to let her know that she still has her family to turn to, as well, which you seem to be doing as far as I can tell from what you posted. GirlFriday, you are absolutely correct that men do not leave their wives for "another woman" alone. There must have been some kind of trouble in their relationship, and wether it is something that came up recently or has been a problem is really a moot point right now. Get her into some activities, meet other people, and if she has a hobby, then definitely encourage that. I hope everything turns out for the best for your aunt. :)
 

Brooks

Banned
Oct 9, 1999
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I would gently try and get her to talk to a counselor saying that you feel you can't really help that much and that this is starting to really affect you and bring you down and a counselor can help her out...
 

Yeeny

Lifer
Feb 2, 2000
10,848
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Thanks guys for the responses. Counseling is not an option, as she is convinced her marriage was fine, and there is nothing wrong her. I did have her come down and hang out with my cousin and I, she spent the day swimming, and said it was the most fun she has had in years. So maybe I am on the right track with what I am doing. I am just trying to make sure I help her, not screw her up more. Thanks again!
 

Jimbo

Platinum Member
Oct 10, 1999
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She?s obviously very flipped out about the whole thing. After 35 years, who wouldn?t be? Unfortunately, she is going to be this way for a while (bad for at least another year and not so bad a few years after that). Part of what she is going through is that she just need to talk and talk and talk and talk?. until she gets it out of her system. Be there for her and be a willing ear, even though it may not always be what you want to, but it will mean a lot to her.
I think you are on the right track and while you are at it you can help her with her housekeeping skills. After she gets involved with someone else, all of this will be a fast-passing memory to her. But now she needs you.
Good luck!


Jimbo
 

Mday

Lifer
Oct 14, 1999
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if she is indeed convinced that everything WAS fine, then she is still in denial. DUH... anyway, she should see a professional about this, or some sort of support group. TALKING HELPS. it always does. that's why i am so screwed up, i don't talk much :p

GF, there seems to be some pattern developing, hope your brother and mother are okay. and your husband is not a, :|

The good news is that she had fun, and from the description, it looks like if this is the best time she has had for years, then she CAN and will be able to live without that bastard. She needs time out with the girls (you know what i mean).
 

Yeeny

Lifer
Feb 2, 2000
10,848
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Mday: My husband is the only man in my family that does not abuse women or children. He is a very kind gentle man actually, and I thank God every day that I ended up with a good one, with my family history. I got lucky. My brother and mother are doing great actually, I was just there on Sunday for my B-day, and it was like it used to be. Thanks for caring. :D

Thanks Jimbo. It is hard, but I know she has no one else, and I try to tell myself, what if it was me, and I was all alone. I would want somebody to tolerate me for a while too.
 

EmperorNero

Golden Member
Jun 2, 2000
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I've read from Psychology Today that relationships that was based on lust usually fails b/c the sex isn't what it used to be. So the couples tend to cheat or breakup eventually. And relationships that aren't necessarily happy but are stable tends to last.

But I don't know if the above situation applies here since your aunt and uncle stayed together for so long. Here's a little know secret, GF: guys tend to think with their dicks *gasp*. Like you, I'm guessing he won't be back. So your aunt just basically has to move on. Right now, she feels abandoned and alone and she would like company and attention. This is where you decided what to do: if you give her the attention, she might get addicted to it so much that she craves it and will do more to constantly grasp the attention and you probably won't be able to stand it. if you don't give her the attention, she'll just sink deeper into depression.

Well, I'm not a qualified psychologist or anything, but it's just my opinions.


btw, she should be kept busy - job, social life, family, another guy, etc. I'm guessing she'll get over it eventually. good luck to both of you.
 

ltk007

Banned
Feb 24, 2000
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Well, when a long time relationship like that ends, normally there is a lot of strong emotion. Your aunt probably doesn't want to reason and is should be allowed some time to mourn. But after a point, it gets unreasonable. The best way to get your aunt back on her feet is to get her mad. I know it might sound unhealthy, but some good old fashioned anger at her X should bring her bring her out of the mourning. When she is mad at the "other woman" she still thinks that her husband will come back. When she is mad at her husband and realize that rather than try to work things out and honor his wedding vowes, he left she'll start to get on with her life. You should try to get her interested in other things (maybe internet chat rooms, forums). When a person has a hobby, it takes their mind off their problems in life.

I could be wrong, but when a friend of mines mom realized that it wasn't the other woman's fault and got angry at her husband for the end of the marriage (even though it wasn't necissarily his fault) she got on with her life.
 

Looney

Lifer
Jun 13, 2000
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Being a psych student that will be going to grad school next year for clinical psych, i think i might have some insight into this:

DO NOT ASK OR LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE ON THE BOARD FOR ADVICE! Unless it is to see a counselor.

I've read some of the analysis and advice here, and most of these folks haven't even experience anything of this sort, yet are throwing out advice. And even those who have experienced something similar are still in no authority to offer anything, because these events are usually so varied that just because one experience turned out successful through one method doesn't mean others will either. I'm not here to insult anybody, because i know everybody here has good intentions, but a situation like this is very sensitive that requires professional help.

If you must ask for advice on the internet, try finding a site that deals with situations like this, that may even have professional counselors or psychologists that can advise you in the message boards... maybe iVillage? (i really don't know, never bothered to look for such information). If you want to search for help yourself on the web, try the keyword CODEPENDENT, because that's what i'm assuming her problem is. But my suggestion would be to talk to a counselor. Even if you can't convince your aunt to see one, you could at least see one for advice.

These are some sites that may or may not offer what you need... i'm sure there are more support sites out there, so if you dig around you might come up with some better sites. But don't ask for advice in these kind of boards. People may have good intentions, but they're not even close to qualify to offer any sort of advice or analysis.
Anyways, good luck in helping your aunt.

http://www.ivillage.com
http://www.wholefamily.com
http://www.divorcesupport.com


 

Mday

Lifer
Oct 14, 1999
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i think group therapy is helpful... and a pro is not a pro for nothing, even if that pro is a shrink :p
 

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