I need a quick grammar check if someone has time.

[SithSolo1]

I've read the following and I can't see any grammatical errors. I just want to make sure that is the case.

"I am very disappointed with the upgrade recently done to my computer. Since the hard drive was replaced, my communications program has failed to work. The drive has not been tampered with by anyone in my office. When I try to access the internet, I am presented with garbled text. I have tried switching all of the options in preference on and off, but the problem still persist. I am returning the hard drive to you for inspection. If the program cannot be repaired please include a new copy of the software when you return the disk."

Thanks,
J.

 

[Heisenberg]

'Preference' should be 'the preferences'. Persist should be persists.

 

[SithSolo1]

Thank you


EDIT: As you can tell I suck at the grammar.

 

[Tetsuo]

Just me but I would say "when you return the drive" not "when you return the disk"

 

[dighn]

a nitpick but maybe a comma before please in the last sentence?

 

[Mingon]

I am very disappointed with the upgrade recently done to my computer.

I prefer applied 'done' sounds naff

The drive has not been tampered with by anyone in my office

again sounds bad, try ' the drive has not been changed from the state in which it was returned'

I have tried switching all of the options in preference on and off, but the problem still persist.

just picky now, ' I have tried changing the options between both and and off, but the problem still remains.'

If the program cannot be repaired please include a new copy of the software when you return the disk."

lastly try changing the tone slightly, ' If the program cannot be repaired, I would request you include a new version of the software when you return the disk'

 

[Stratum9]

Revised and edited by an English Major. Edited for passive sentences, clarity, and fewer words:

"I am disappointed with the recent upgrades on my computer. Since replacing the hard drive, my communications program has failed to work. No one in my office has tampered with the drive. I receive garbled text when accessing the Internet. I?ve tried toggling all the options in preferences, but the problem still persists. I am returning the hard drive for inspection. If you cannot repair the program, please include a new copy of the software upon returning the hard drive."