I have problems expressing my emotions. Your thoughts and help??

[Hoeboy]

As a kid I've always been known as the shy one. I never did talked much and I always dreadded group projects. I've come a long way in overcoming my shyness. Most of the time I am now able to initiate conversation or become social when I need to be. But there is still a problem that relates to my shyness that I can't seem to overcome. It's my ability to express my emotions.

I don't know why but it just all comes out the same. Whether I'm mad, sad, happy, surprised or whatever. In my mind, I KNOW the appropriate way to react and the things to say but showing it or getting the words out is the problem. I guess my cultural background has something to do with it but largely it's the way I was brought up. My family (Asian) was never really close and we kept to ourselves a lot. We don't hug and kiss or show any type of affections toward each other. And now when I'm at the point of finishing up college in 1-2 years then starting my career, I'm really starting to feel the effects of not being able to display what I feel.

I really want to overcome this but it just feels weird when I try to display emotions. It's like it's just not natural or it isn't me. Yet I don't feel like I am who I really want to be by being unable to show my caring side or being surprised for example in the appropriate situation. I know it's kinda hard to understand because it's really hard for me to explain.

So does anyone understand and have tips on how I can go about gradually overcoming this feat?

 

[grr8scott]

Ever talk to yourself in front of a mirror?? Might help... am jsut a geek, not a specialist, but mite be worth a try..

 

[bleeb]

Ever hear of the cliche, "Practice makes perfect?" Start off by saying, "I LOVE YOU MOM, I LOVE YOU DAD," of course in a meaningful manner and see how your parents respond. If they laugh and point fingers at you, then something is wrong with your parents. My experience has shown that 99.999% of the time, your parents will respond with the same amount of geniunity as you give them. Try it...

As time goes on, it will seem natural like fart bombing your sister or brother. BTW, for a really nasty surprise, fart into your hand and then immediately close your fist and shove it into another person's face. They recieve an extra strenght dose of fart. Good Luck! Have Fun! Show the LOVE!

 

[Hoeboy]

I can't even stand in front of a mirror and talk to myself without feeling stupid or uncomfortable.

As for saying those things to my parents, I don't really want to say those words at this point. I won't get into it.

 

[Wallydraigle]

Try not to worry too much about it. It might seem a little awkward now, but later on you will command respect by being reserved and not wearing your heart on your sleeve. I know there are people trying to learn not to project what they are feeling to get an edge in their business. If all else fails, go to Vegas and take up poker for a living Being calm and reserved is part of who you are. Why would you want to change that to fit someone else's idea of how you should be anyway?

 

[weeeplop]

hoeboy..
i know how you feel. I come from an asian family too. My parents are the weird asians because they do like to hug.. but all my asian friends have the same type of family as you do. Their parents dont even sleep in the same bed anymore but they are still together. its considered normal. Anyways... do you have a good friend you could talk to? or like a girlfriend.. or just talk to your parents about it.. i dont know about screaming 'i love you mom" . that would be too weird especially if i know how your parents are. GOod luck. Your emotions will come to you in some way .. i hope its the healthy kind and not the psychotic kind.. ok .. that wasn't funny.. =/

 

[notfred]

Why do people always blame thier "Asian Heritage" or "Asian parents" for thier social problems on this forum?

 

[Wallydraigle]

I'm not Asian, I'm just messed up. Better?

 

[Angrymarshmello]

He's stating that because his family never really showed emotion, that that impacted the way he showed emotion towards other people.

 

[linuxboy]

Well, I take it you don't have the benefit of a personal psychotherapist/analyst or any other leveraging social technique for deconditioning past experience so I will make a few suggestions that should prove helpful in this particular situation.

The following is a combination of cognitive-behavioral therapy typically used in personal or small group techniques in clinical practice. It's designed to first use meta-cognitive techniques of Freudian psychoanalysis and later combine it with concrete behavioral modofication.


First, you start thinking. Think back on your life to the source of your conditioning. The cultural norms within your own family have severely curbed a natural desire to express emotion, thus making your control mechanisms overcompensate. These maintain a constant control, always keeping any expression in check. When you breach this, you experience a dissonance. So think back to various times when you wanted to express emotion but were held back. Each time you recall a more distant experience, you will realize that that sense was deadened more and more until you were effectively prevented from expressing emotion.

You have taken a first step of saying that this is undesirable and should change. Now take the next step and think back to the times. This should give you some incentive to express emotion.

That's part of the cognitive

Next part of the cognitive:

Imagine yourself in a situation with people you do not want to express your emotions with. Imagine yourself as you'd like to be. Concentrate on that image and maintain it. Imagine the social interactions you will have and the result of expressing emotion will be positive. It must be positive since you need the reward structure. This will help you overcome another block in your conditioning.

This can be done very regularly as it takes time to change.

Now for the last part of cognitive deconditioning:

This really begins to combine social and behavioral theory. Start by acting out your imagined interactions. It may seem strange at first but use your imagination. To the mind, this is a very good substitute for reality. Act out and role play how you want to act. Give yourself rewards and reinforcers when you reach a goal. Set higher and higher goals until you stop "feeling weird". This is the beginning of behavioral modification and it helps if you have a friend to help you or a professional.

The next step of behavioral modification is real-world interaction. Slowly begin merging the personna you acted out with the "everyday" you and change your behavior toward others. Again, this is a slow process and if you can't maintain stability, you need an external regulator/guide giving feedback on your progress. slowly, the two parts should merge since your preliminary inhibitions should be nearly extinct as the souce of them is purely cognitive due to past reinforcement.


Now this should be a good step towards overcoming the entire emotional expression problem. It is not very easy, but then great achievements never are.

Some suggestions for self-reinforcements:

maintain a steady journal of your experiences. Constantly talk to people and seek external suypport unless you can maintain internal balance. Express your desires to the people with whom you will be interacting and possibly receive support in overcoming this perceived problem. Reflect constantly to reinforce existing regulation mechanisms. Lastly, remember that the world really is good.

hope this helps.



Cheers !

 

[gopunk]

hoeboy -

i know exactly how you feel. i think the best, fastest solution is to get a girlfriend and get intimate with her. that'll make it easier for you to do in the future.

 

[Hoeboy]

lirion,

Well I'm not really trying to be someone I'm not. I see myself as a sensitive person but that sensitive side of me aren't really expressed well. Plus my career goals requires that I should be able to show some emotions. I'm not going into business or anything that demands a cold, hard attitude.

weeeplop,

Yeah my parents don't sleep in the same room let alone the same bed. And yeah it's not the psychotic kind. I'm sure

notfred,

Can you find a better contributing factor on how a person develops his/her behavior growing up other than his/her family? I'm not necessarily blaming. I'm recognizing it as a possible and likely reason.

 

[Red Dawn]

Hoeboy, aren't your folks from the Far East? Maybe part of their Culture was instilled in you when you were growing up and now has manifiested itself in your lack of being able to express your feeling. Then again I only play a Psychologist on the Internet and so I probably am talking straight out of my arse.

 

[linuxboy]

Why do people always blame thier "Asian Heritage" or "Asian parents" for thier social problems on this forum?

A fundamental aspect of human experience is the unwillingness to accept responsibility for self change. Look at the entire Christian idea of original sin. It essentially states something like "well we are all bad". This is not inherently a bad idea but it is usually followed by, "well, to hell with that, I can't do a damn thing anyway" which does not do justice to real concepts of affectations by external and internal means.

Also, people need to project problems on an external source since accepting responsibility is often just too easy, while simultaneously being too hard. People have a need to hate, and they usually wind up hating themselves. Since culture is such a strong aspect of self-identity, it should come as no surprise that personal conditions are blamed on external stimuli. Also, there is some truth to it. Past experience determine present states for most people, until they wake up, that is. Then they have the option of real choice.

He's stating that because his family never really showed emotion, that that impacted the way he showed emotion towards other people.

A concise summary of what I just said, thank you .

Cheers !

 

[Hoeboy]

linux,

Wow thanks buddy. I do spend a lot of time thinking about how I want to act in situations and how it's all so perfect. But when the situation arises, the way I act is totally emotionless and resembles nothing of what I was thinking.

gopunk,

Nah girlfriends can't be the solution for everything. I have admitted to myself that I can't handle the drama of a relationship at this point in my life.

 

[kami]

nice post linuxboy.

 

[gopunk]

Nah girlfriends can't be the solution for everything. I have admitted to myself that I can't handle the drama of a relationship at this point in my life.

okay well i guess if you can't handle it then you can't handle it... but if you could, then girlfriend would be a solution. it worked for me... the first girl i ever dated was always putting my arms around her and stuff. at first i was really uncomfortable with it, but eventually i came around...

 

[notfred]

My question wasn't really "why do you blame you parents for your problems?" but more of "What's wrong with so many Asian parents that all thier kids seem to have social problems?"

 

[Hoeboy]

Hm how much does it cost to speak to a psychologist? I might have to resort to that if things don't pan out. Anyone know if there's a cheaper alternative like a ceritificated online psychologist?

 

[linuxboy]

Wow thanks buddy. I do spend a lot of time thinking about how I want to act in situations and how it's all so perfect. But when the situation arises, the way I act is totally emotionless and resembles nothing of what I was thinking.

That's why I listed the transitional steps in integrating overcoming cognitive regulators with behavioral (de)conditioning.

Hoeboy, aren't your folks from the Far East? Maybe part of their Culture was instilled in you when you were growing up and now has manifiested itself in your lack of being able to express your feeling. Then again I only play a Psychologist on the Internet and so I probably am talking straight out of my arse.

LOL. You do realize that most psychologists also talk stright out of their arses. Well, that's not entirely fair, they are competent people for the most part . And you are correct in this assumption, it does seem intuitive, eh?


Nah girlfriends can't be the solution for everything. I have admitted to myself that I can't handle the drama of a relationship at this point in my life.

Exactly. At the same time, it will facilitate the process but involving another person, especially one who has romantic expectations is no good at all.


Cheers !

 

[notfred]

<< LOL. You do realize that most psychologists also talk stright out of their arses. >>




Yeah, when they say stuff like this: "That's why I listed the transitional steps in integrating overcoming cognitive regulators with behavioral (de)conditioning. "

Right?

 

[Hoeboy]

notfred,

Assuming you're not Asian, are you Caucasian? I guess it's really hard for others to understand how stiff and cold the relationships between most Asian familes can be, especially the really traditional parents. I don't really know why Asians can't be as expressive as other nationalities either. My best guess is that it has to do with the way children are perceived as valuable tools for labor rather than your own flesh and blood back in the days; although it's still true in some countries.

 

[linuxboy]

What's wrong with so many Asian parents that all thier kids seem to have social problems?"


The likely source of this is the Confucian ethic. "a Confucian hat, a Taoist robe, and Buddhist sandals". Recall that the collectivist cultures common in Asia place great emphasis on external appraisals and the idea of "face". As you should realize, overcompensation in one area likely stems from a deficiency in another, or more likely (since I have no data to back up my assertin of causality), imbalance is present in many forms in social interaction. A more fundamental answer goes to the direct attachement experiences they had as children. Many Asian children have insecure attachments to the mother, not to mention the father figure. This tends to lead to problems in one's development and manifests negatively in the adult life (that I can back up with empirical data).

I might have to resort to that if things don't pan out. Anyone know if there's a cheaper alternative like a ceritificated online psychologist?

A decent idea but this forum is just as good . Besides, you need the personal interaction.


Yeah, when they say stuff like this: "That's why I listed the transitional steps in integrating overcoming cognitive regulators with behavioral (de)conditioning. "

Right?

Possibly, and as I have mentioned many times my posts are at best, pure drivel. Also, I have never made claims to any sort of professional competence. Any evidence of such is purely coincidental . Besides, I don't think that was quite talking out of my arse. Close, but not quite .


Cheers !

 

[notfred]

<< notfred,

Assuming you're not Asian, are you Caucasian? I guess it's really hard for others to understand how stiff and cold the relationships between most Asian familes can be, especially the really traditional parents. I don't really know why Asians can't be as expressive as other nationalities either. My best guess is that it has to do with the way children are perceived as valuable tools for labor rather than your own flesh and blood back in the days; although it's still true in some countries. >>



Nope, I'm not Asian. If I was, I probably wouldn't have to ask this question. From the way you describe it, Asian parents (this is a generalization, I'm sure they're all not like that) seems to treat thier kids more like slave labor than a part of the family.

I see how that could cause problems.

 

[HamSupLo]

get yourself a white girlfriend, hoeboy

I'm trying to decondition myself from my traditional Chinese upbringing. It's been easy to view things from a different aspect after having gone to college and experience the working world. My parents don't like my attitude and thinking. They think i'm being disrespectful, but i'm not going to break myself and become some submissive little family biatch boy.