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I have a strange aspiration... *AND IT PREVENTS ME FROM ENJOYING LIFE*

J

jEct2

Golden Member
As I get older and older (23), I realize my aspiration in life is to be socially charismatic. Maybe that's a bad description, read on.

For every social group, there's the alpha of the group. This is the 'party animal' or 'life of the party' and the key crowd leader. I recognize an alpha in every situations: parties, work, school, crhuch, small groups, etc.

You ever had a situation when that alpha leaves, everyone starts to get awkward? That's because everyone connected to everyone else Through the alpha.

These are the people who set up/start/arrange social events and possess that magnetic 'pull' to draw others.

Where do I come in? I find myself constantly battling in my head because I'm not the 'alpha' of the group. Call it what you will, it's frustrating me too because I'm not able to enjoy simply myself due to this stupid aspiration.

If a friend invites me to go out, I tend to get 'jealous' & insecure because I'm not the one who starting the plan.

I wish I was the leading decision-maker. Yet I recognize I'm not as charismatic as I want to be. On the other hand, I speculated myself that if I'm the one who happens to be the alpha, and everyone has a great time through me, I end up having a GREAT time as well and even feel an awesome rush in that I accomplished something... (ie aspiration fulfilled!)

It's not the matter of having friends or not, I have many great friends. But I tend to feel down because I don't perceive as the alpha sometimes.
 
I am not an 'alpha' that you describe, but I would hazard a guess that being in such a position is not all it's made out to be. Doesn't leave you much time for alone-type stuff, which I enjoy.

I prefer to have a close-knit small group of friends where there's no real group leader. And I have that. And I like it quite a bit.
 
Originally posted by: loki8481
my aspiration?

to get the f out of New Jersey / the North East.

I just haven't figured out how yet...
Click to expand...

Some people tend to blame everything else except themselves. I thought it was the location too. Everyone who's not content with where they are tend to associate with where they are geographically.

I wanted to get the fvck out of Boston and thought everything would change for me once I move to LA. Well, I got to visit LA through a friend and I reazlied one key lesson- It's not where you are, it's who you are and friends you are with.

I'm not saying this is your case, I thought I'd share this which is relevant to the OP.
 
I strongly dislike those type of groups. I know what you mean. I'm with jumpr, find a group that's not "alpha based".

Everybody's gotta have a backbone, then everybody's happy disireguardless.

My aspiration: Finding out what's next.
 
Originally posted by: jEct2
Originally posted by: loki8481
my aspiration?

to get the f out of New Jersey / the North East.

I just haven't figured out how yet...
Click to expand...

Some people tend to blame everything else except themselves. I thought it was the location too. Everyone who's not content with where they are tend to associate with where they are geographically.

I wanted to get the fvck out of Boston and thought everything would change for me once I move to LA. Well, I got to visit LA through a friend and I reazlied one key lesson- It's not where you are, it's who you are and friends you are with.

I'm not saying this is your case, I thought I'd share this which is relevant to the OP.
Click to expand...

I think you're right, but sometimes it takes getting out geographically to see that properly, mentally.
 
Originally posted by: loki8481
my aspiration?

to get the f out of New Jersey / the North East.

I just haven't figured out how yet...
Click to expand...

I-95SB=>I-695 (either way, it's a loop) =>I-70 (it only goes in one direction - WEST)

Your path to the WORLD... There are only two obstacles between you and it - the Delaware tolls (there are like 80 of them) and the Baltimore Beltway (if you go south, there's a toll bridge, if you go north, there's construction)
 
Originally posted by: Zanix
I strongly dislike those type of groups. I know what you mean. I'm with jumpr, find a group that's not "alpha based".

Everybody's gotta have a backbone, then everybody's happy disireguardless.

My aspiration: Finding out what's next.
Click to expand...

If you take a closer look, you'll realize there's an alpha in EVERY group. Even yours, think. It's in human nature. It's found in every aspect of relationships. You guys seem to link that those people in alpha groups are spineless and stupid. But, it false. Alpha is prevalent in every groups of all kind.

In a group small as three has an alpha, if you carefully observe. A good stupid example would be Seinfield- Jerry is the leader out of Elaine and George. You don't see Elaine and George hanging out together alone, but Jerry can do so with either one.

Even in the smallest group, twos, there is an alpha 'above' the other. Of course being the alpha doesn't mean he/she is better than the other. It just means what it is- the one who leads the others.

Also every organizations and great leaders in the past are alphas...

Martin Luther King Jr.
Steve Jobs (I high recommend you see the documentary of his life)
Gandhi
Jesus Christ
etc...
 
Originally posted by: Zanix
Originally posted by: jEct2
Originally posted by: loki8481
my aspiration?

to get the f out of New Jersey / the North East.

I just haven't figured out how yet...
Click to expand...

Some people tend to blame everything else except themselves. I thought it was the location too. Everyone who's not content with where they are tend to associate with where they are geographically.

I wanted to get the fvck out of Boston and thought everything would change for me once I move to LA. Well, I got to visit LA through a friend and I reazlied one key lesson- It's not where you are, it's who you are and friends you are with.

I'm not saying this is your case, I thought I'd share this which is relevant to the OP.
Click to expand...

I think you're right, but sometimes it takes getting out geographically to see that properly, mentally.
Click to expand...

I made a promise to myself as a kid that I'd leave this state as soon as possible.

I just need to find a job in Kansas or something.
 
I don't think being the alpha is all it is cracked up to be either. I don't need someone to lead me to be happy. I do want to be in a group that I feel like I belong, but I would rather have conversations with people dealing with what is going on in their life, rather than have some shinney happy person trying to show me a good time. I feel like I need to connect with people on a personal level, just at the moment I don't think that is happening. I need to meet more people or something, but am unsure what to do.
 
Originally posted by: jEct2
Originally posted by: Zanix
I strongly dislike those type of groups. I know what you mean. I'm with jumpr, find a group that's not "alpha based".

Everybody's gotta have a backbone, then everybody's happy disireguardless.

My aspiration: Finding out what's next.
Click to expand...

If you take a closer look, you'll realize there's an alpha in EVERY group. Even yours, think. It's in human nature. Every organizations and great leaders in the past are alphas...

Martin Luther King Jr.
Steve Jobs (I high recommend you see the documentary of his life)
Gandhi
Jesus Christ
etc...
Click to expand...

I think it's dangerous to apply animal social structures to humans and then label it human nature. There are "alphas", but I don't associate with any of those people you listed socially. (if even possible 😕..) Those people lead in a way that I think is different than an 'alpha' that leads a pack around.

I think it's very possible to have people around you that you don't compete with in a social way. People as peers. I mean this in a "pack" way. I doubt it's the common place because I've been involved in these crappy alpha led groups many times. That was mostly high school though. Real lame too, I think.

Much better in my opinion is a group, like my circle now, where anybody calls anybody and makes whatever plans with all/some. Seems much more natural (bad pun) and comfortable to me. YMMV.
 
There's alphas in every group. Looking at my social circle, I can point out "beta" males that don't really make decisions for themselves. They might say something like "What should we do now?" instead of "Let's go to the beach". Alphas demand respect. An alpha, I find says and does things because they WANT to, not because they want to impress someone. This makes alphas more spontanious and less reliant on others.
 
Originally posted by: jEct2
As I get older and older (23), I realize my aspiration in life is to be socially charismatic. Maybe that's a bad description, read on.

For every social group, there's the alpha of the group. This is the 'party animal' or 'life of the party' and the key crowd leader. I recognize an alpha in every situations: parties, work, school, crhuch, small groups, etc.

You ever had a situation when that alpha leaves, everyone starts to get awkward? That's because everyone connected to everyone else Through the alpha.

These are the people who set up/start/arrange social events and possess that magnetic 'pull' to draw others.

Where do I come in? I find myself constantly battling in my head because I'm not the 'alpha' of the group. Call it what you will, it's frustrating me too because I'm not able to enjoy simply myself due to this stupid aspiration.

If a friend invites me to go out, I tend to get 'jealous' & insecure because I'm not the one who starting the plan.

I wish I was the leading decision-maker. Yet I recognize I'm not as charismatic as I want to be. On the other hand, I speculated myself that if I'm the one who happens to be the alpha, and everyone has a great time through me, I end up having a GREAT time as well and even feel an awesome rush in that I accomplished something... (ie aspiration fulfilled!)

It's not the matter of having friends or not, I have many great friends. But I tend to feel down because I don't perceive as the alpha sometimes.
Click to expand...

You're an "attention whore". It's annoying having everyone competing to be the alpha in the group. They're just annoying.
 
Originally posted by: Zanix
Originally posted by: jEct2
Originally posted by: Zanix
I strongly dislike those type of groups. I know what you mean. I'm with jumpr, find a group that's not "alpha based".

Everybody's gotta have a backbone, then everybody's happy disireguardless.

My aspiration: Finding out what's next.
Click to expand...

If you take a closer look, you'll realize there's an alpha in EVERY group. Even yours, think. It's in human nature. Every organizations and great leaders in the past are alphas...

Martin Luther King Jr.
Steve Jobs (I high recommend you see the documentary of his life)
Gandhi
Jesus Christ
etc...
Click to expand...

I think it's dangerous to apply animal social structures to humans and then label it human nature. There are "alphas", but I don't associate with any of those people you listed socially. (if even possible :confused😉 Those people lead in a way that I think is different than an 'alpha' that leads a pack around.

I think it's very possible to have people around you that you don't compete with in a social way. People as peers. I mean this in a "pack" way. I doubt it's the common place because I've been involved in these crappy alpha led groups many times. That was mostly high school though. Real lame too, I think.

Much better in my opinion is a group, like my circle now, where anybody calls anybody and makes whatever plans with all/some. Seems much more natural (bad pun) and comfortable to me. YMMV.
Click to expand...

I edited this post for more info after you quoted. Read that then read this:

I still think I'm right and you've misterpretted me a bit. Even in your group you had described, you know there's an alpha if you sit down and think about it. I'm not saying alpha is the center of everyone elses' lives.

I'm just saying they have a tendency to lead where the group is going and all this is a naturally occuring process. Even in your close-knit friends, you'll realize that one pair is closer than other and there would be one 'awkward' pair as well. Alpha is in every group, it's just not as prevalent and 'dominating' in smaller groups.
 
It's funny, I was kinda thinking about this last night at the party I was at. I'm an "alpha" in a sense, but not quite the way you make your's sound. It's more of a quiet leadership, where I don't take charge unless there is about to be a situation (someone trying to drive after they've started drinking, people about to get in a fight, etc.).
 
Originally posted by: 91TTZ
Originally posted by: jEct2
As I get older and older (23), I realize my aspiration in life is to be socially charismatic. Maybe that's a bad description, read on.

For every social group, there's the alpha of the group. This is the 'party animal' or 'life of the party' and the key crowd leader. I recognize an alpha in every situations: parties, work, school, crhuch, small groups, etc.

You ever had a situation when that alpha leaves, everyone starts to get awkward? That's because everyone connected to everyone else Through the alpha.

These are the people who set up/start/arrange social events and possess that magnetic 'pull' to draw others.

Where do I come in? I find myself constantly battling in my head because I'm not the 'alpha' of the group. Call it what you will, it's frustrating me too because I'm not able to enjoy simply myself due to this stupid aspiration.

If a friend invites me to go out, I tend to get 'jealous' & insecure because I'm not the one who starting the plan.

I wish I was the leading decision-maker. Yet I recognize I'm not as charismatic as I want to be. On the other hand, I speculated myself that if I'm the one who happens to be the alpha, and everyone has a great time through me, I end up having a GREAT time as well and even feel an awesome rush in that I accomplished something... (ie aspiration fulfilled!)

It's not the matter of having friends or not, I have many great friends. But I tend to feel down because I don't perceive as the alpha sometimes.
Click to expand...

You're an "attention whore". It's annoying having everyone competing to be the alpha in the group. They're just annoying.
Click to expand...

And you're a judgemental troll. :roll: You know me? On what basis you label me as an 'attention whore'? If having an aspiration to genuinely lead others is being 'attention whore', everyone leaders in the past must be one as well.

Idiot.
 
Originally posted by: jEct2

I'm just saying they have a tendency to lead where the group is going and all this is a naturally occuring process. Even in your close-knit friends, you'll realize that one pair is closer than other and there would be one 'awkward' pair as well. Alpha is in every group, it's just not as prevalent and 'dominating' in smaller groups.
Click to expand...

I tend to find the Alpha type very annoying. Aside from my joke of being the Alpha alpha, I'm really a laid back person who likes to do my own thing. I don't like people bossing me around. Many wannabe Alpha types get annoyed with me because I refuse to obey them. They're not my boss and I don't need someone telling me what to do.
 
Originally posted by: aplefka
It's funny, I was kinda thinking about this last night at the party I was at. I'm an "alpha" in a sense, but not quite the way you make your's sound. It's more of a quiet leadership, where I don't take charge unless there is about to be a situation (someone trying to drive after they've started drinking, people about to get in a fight, etc.).
Click to expand...

No, what I described is exactly what you said. Alphas aren't your typical, in-your-face, annoying dominant fvckers. They are true leaders that rise NATURALLY because people like you. The degree of leadership and the types of alpha all varies on every situation.

I'm merely saying there's an alpha in every group.
 
Originally posted by: jEct2

And you're a judgemental troll. :roll: You know me? On what basis you label me as an 'attention whore'? If having an aspiration to genuinely lead others is being 'attention whore', everyone leaders in the past must be one as well.

Idiot.
Click to expand...

You should worry about telling yourself what to do, not telling othe people what to do. Those people are like you, they want to lead their own lives. They don't need another wannabe "alpha male" telling them what to do.
 
Originally posted by: 91TTZ
Originally posted by: jEct2

I'm just saying they have a tendency to lead where the group is going and all this is a naturally occuring process. Even in your close-knit friends, you'll realize that one pair is closer than other and there would be one 'awkward' pair as well. Alpha is in every group, it's just not as prevalent and 'dominating' in smaller groups.
Click to expand...

I tend to find the Alpha type very annoying. Aside from my joke of being the Alpha alpha, I'm really a laid back person who likes to do my own thing. I don't like people bossing me around. Many wannabe Alpha types get annoyed with me because I refuse to obey them. They're not my boss and I don't need someone telling me what to do.
Click to expand...

You obvious are an imbecile or a social deviant. It's a naturally occuring process! They aren't out to 'BOSS' you around. They rise naturally and you naturally follow them because people (including you) genuinely recognize his/her leadership.
 
Originally posted by: jEct2

You obvious are an imbecile or a social deviant. It's a naturally occuring process! They aren't out to 'BOSS' you around. They rise naturally and you naturally follow them because people (including you) genuinely recognize his/her leadership.
Click to expand...

Some people are born leaders, true. And some people are born followers. I'm neither. I neither like following others nor do I have the desire to lead others. I only care about leading myself. I prefer mutual relationships, I don't hang around a pack of dogs.

And what kind of freak are you if you can't enjoy life just because you can't lead people? Isn't controlling yourself enough, or do you need to bark out orders to feel good about yourself?
 
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