OP, as much as we've butted heads, i FEEL for you. i'm only 27 and still have both of my parents fortunately but i think about death EVERY single day. not in a negative way or suicidal. i'm not religious(although every one around me and my family is) so death to me is a very serious deal. i don't if it's how my brain is wired or what but i am an overly anxious person and i've started to come to realization that i need to see a doctor. i think about losing people every single day and it makes me angry. there's nothing i can do about it, that is life but FUCK, it sucks.
i got tears in my eyes reading a few posts(purbeast and the op mainly) and want to extend my thoughts to you guys. my mom's mother died in 2004 and she has NEVER been the same since. i know i'm just like her and honestly am so f'ving scared of losing a close friend/immediate family member it's starting to control my life.
i'm sorry i didn't offer much in terms of advice but i just wanted to tell you guys, despite the forum BS we go through, my heart goes out to you guys and if you ever want to talk, i'm more than down.
my parents were great to me but i always kept my distance growing up. i still have a problem doing that but am trying as of late to be patient around my parents, spend more time with them, etc. i'm scared to death i'm never going to feel like the same person when that day comes.
again, my thoughts and condolences guys.