I didn't think I'd ever post this, but: Just had huge fight with g/f, need opinions. :-o

EvilYoda · Jul 28, 2002

With the aid of AIM+, I will do my best to recreate our conversation this evening. Basically, it started when I told her that the APA peer-advisor is initiating a welcome program for APA students this fall, by handing out welcome bags to all APA students upon moving in. She didn't like this...I've known that she doesn't agree with a lot of the thigns I do concerning my race, but I never knew it was like this.

Here are a few posts by her:

Girl: i dont know when the statement "if you don't like being the minority here, go back to taiwan where you're the majority" became an intolerant statement, because it's just the truth
...
Girl: right
Girl: we should be shipped back
Girl: you should be
Girl: rather
Girl: what's so wrong with saying that?
Girl: seriously

I'm willing to hear her out, about how she might disagree with me...but she's somehow convinced that all of "us" are so isolated, and we hate "whitey". When I mention that she's white, along with the majority of my close friends, she ignores it. She continues on how how I'll get more and more into the APA life, and KNOWS that I'll associate less with white people, despite me disagreeing.

I've been dating and loving her for 2 years and 7 months now, and somehow I've never seen this side of her. I can't say how shocked, hurt and confused I am. Am I wrong to think that what she's said is wrong? I admit that I have strong feeling for who I am, and what I do, but I don't think that I'm that close-minded.

(sorry, I wanted to explain this all better, but I'm in such a daze, that I don't know what to say...so thanks for letting me post, at least.)

ohtwell · Jul 28, 2002

She sounds like she is the one that is closed minded.

What is her problem with you wanting to associate with people who are not white?

: ) Amanda

SavageDubz · Jul 28, 2002

Sorry, I'm a little confused. What exactly is she upset about?

divinemartyr · Jul 28, 2002

I'm one who knows that people often say/do things that they don't mean. Maybe she had a bad day and ended up taking it out on you. Or as all of us know, maybe she just had a case of PMS. Is her period coming up soon? If so, that might be the cause of the animosity. While it's no excuse for racist comments, I think that what she's saying is that she doesn't want to lose any of your attention, based on peer groups that she cannot be a part of. If you have not been involved with the APA as much in the past, certainly you can understand her concern, which is all this sounds like.

If you are seriously concerned about the state of your relationship, ask what spurred her outburst, and if any other outside factors made her upset such as what I mentioned above. This doesn't sound like a relationship altering event, however, I can understand how it would leave you confused.

Communication can solve nearly any problem in a relationship. Talk to her, figure out if there are irreconsileable differences between the two of you, or if it was just a bad day for her.

I hope that if you still love her, you're willing to hear her side of the story as well. Take care my friend.

dm

TNTrulez · Jul 28, 2002

Dump her

divinemartyr · Jul 28, 2002

Dump her

Oh that's a great opinion. And you plan to grow up when?

EvilYoda · Jul 28, 2002

divinemartyr: She didn't have a bad day, or at least she didn't say so, since we spent yesterday on campus (UM), had a good night out, and came home today...she's almost on her period, but it would contribute this much. I have always been involved with APA groups, I'm very involved in APA communities on campus.

As for our relationship, it's almost over, as we've known that we're going to see each other in the fall. We don't see the possibility of marriage, despite seeming so perfect for each other (note: seeming). Still, we seemed perfect this morning, and then she comes out with this.

SavageDubz: She's upset that Asians are allowed to do things geared towards other minorities...in respect that white people "couldn't do the same thing, as it would seem racist"...I agree with her, but I still don't see what we do as being wrong. I can't explain it completely, as a lot of it has to do with how passionate I am about being Asian, but I think that we should be allowed to aim certain things at people of the same race. BUT, the groups I'm part of are some of the biggest on campus, and we are trying our hardest to promote ourselves to EVERYBODY, but it's only reality, that more asians perk up than others. hell, even african americans participate in some of our meetings.

Sorry, maybe my post was too lacking...I'm just so all over the place.

lowtech1 · Jul 28, 2002

I?m Asian I have had similar frustration with an ex-girl that is a Bajan. I might be out of line here, but it seem as if many girls find every little detail and hurtful things about their other half to say when they are upset.

The best thing for you to do is give her time, and find the right moment to let her know that it hurt, and you don?t appreciate what she have said. Don?t make it out to be such a big thing, because she will be embarrass & more upset with herself for saying such a stupid thing because she can?t control her hormone.

wnied · Jul 28, 2002

As for our relationship, it's almost over, as we've known that we're going to see each other in the fall. We don't see the possibility of marriage, despite seeming so perfect for each other (note: seeming). Still, we seemed perfect this morning, and then she comes out with this

That being the case....Then why care one way or the other about what she says? Your not marrying her, so why worry about it???

~wnied~

TNTrulez · Jul 28, 2002

Originally posted by: divinemartyr

Dump her

Click to expand...

Oh that's a great opinion. And you plan to grow up when?

I would dump her if she be saying *stuff* about my race. Especially if she said those stuff other times before.

iamme · Jul 28, 2002

EvilYoda You're Asian and she's white, right?

A5 · Jul 28, 2002

What does APA stand for...?

Pliablemoose · Jul 28, 2002

APA=Asian Pacific Americans?

Ameesh · Jul 28, 2002

this post is soo not clear. from what i read its ounds like you are dating a bigot but you post is confusing.

lowtech1 · Jul 28, 2002

Taiwan is in Asia.

falconx80 · Jul 28, 2002

i think shes afraid of losing you because she feels insecure about you being with other asians.

shes afraid that you will bond with them more than you have bonded with her and that you will develope feelings for your own "kind" because
you are more compatiable with them....and in my opinion, the only way to make her feel secure is that if u bring her to the apa program or have her sign
up and work along side you. If you do not do this, she will feel more and more distant from you because she thinks you are losing interest in her and focusing
your interest on other things such as APA programs.

gl

iamme · Jul 28, 2002

From what I remember at UMich, the APA is pretty big. Maybe she feels threatened. Myabe she's just worried that you'll cling more to those w/ similar culture (happens w/ alot of minorities at UM), and drift aways from her. Regardless, I think she should be more tolerant. UMich is an extremely diverse campus.

Talk w/ her, and ask her if she feels threatened by your strong sense of heritage. If so, you might need to rethink things.

iamme · Jul 28, 2002

Originally posted by: falconx80
i think shes afraid of losing you because she feels insecure about you being with other asians.

shes afraid that you will bond with them more than you have bonded with her and that you will develope feelings for your own "kind" because
you are more compatiable with them....and in my opinion, the only way to make her feel secure is that if u bring her to the apa program or have her sign
up and work along side you. If you do not do this, she will feel more and more distant from you because she thinks you are losing interest in her and focusing
your interest on other things such as APA programs.

gl

heh, you beat me to it

EvilYoda have her loosen up and run the naked mile with you

EvilYoda · Jul 28, 2002

For those of you having difficulties with my post: Sorry?

I really don't know...it's not that she's said these hurtful things before, she's only talked about how she doesn't agree with what I do or how I think, which is fine. Just because I'm not marrying her doesn't mean that I don't plan on staying friends with her for a long time...hell, she was 2.5 years of my life, and I loved every moment.

I wrote her an email telling her how hurt I was and that I won't be speaking with her for a while, and she responded with a cooler tone, but I still don't think that what she said was acceptable. Maybe she is feeling threatened, but that's so hard to believe.

It's not that I exclude her from that part of my life, it's just that she wouldn't do it...we're from a upper-middle class city that is very diverse, and at the same time, the population gets along but there is still a strong sense of bigotry. She's led a very sheltered life, but I thought that she was a very unique person.......she's smart, and I never thought she would've been like that.

Great timing, after 2.5 years I find out she thinks about things this way. <sigh>

As for the naked mile......lol, her? bwahahahahaha.

Yossarian451 · Jul 28, 2002

I am a white male, my girfriend a mexican born, hispanic. But amazingly I am usually the minority around here. If I go with her, I have been 1 of 4 white peopele withihn a room. But I am the one who ususally doesn't believe in race, not here, so I see where you come from, but from the other side.

iamme · Jul 28, 2002

Try not to harp on the 2.5 years. Yeah, it's alot, but I've seen too many people stay together just because they've been together so long. They end up being unhappy. 2.5 years is not long if you consider people who are married for 10 years and find out they are unhappy.

I say, give her a chance to rethink her stand. If she's not willing to be open minded for you, then there's something wrong. It's easy for people posting to give out advice, when it's not someone close to them, but I think you may have to consider ending things, if she can't open her mind. I really don't think you're asking for alot. Just for her to try and understand that you have a heritage/culture that you want to know better.

EvilYoda · Jul 28, 2002

I suppose I sound like I'm harping on the duration of this relationship...it's just a long time to me is all.

It's been a happy relationship, we've always been happy, that's why I'm caught off guard here.

And Yossarian reminded me of something...I've always been with her friends, and she's never been around mine a lot. If she has, it's been at home, in Troy, where at least half of my friends are white. She would probably just not go with me if I asked her to participate in an asian event, as she's so self-conscious and would be in an environment where she wouldn't be comfortable.

As for ending the relationship, things are pretty much done, no more sex, just bringing everything down to a "friendship" level. I guess that'll be a lot easier now, knowing what she thinks about things.

Just adds another detail to the list of "what I want in a woman". <sigh>

I didn't think I'd ever post this, but: Just had huge fight with g/f, need opinions. :-o

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