- May 18, 2001
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*the following account is only slightly (and I mean slightly) exaggerated.
So the wife was out of town this weekend, and I decided it was the perfect opportunity to go camping at a local national forest campground. Normally this place is fairly vacant and quiet, so I fully expected that I would get a whole bunch of R&R in the woods.
My first warning sign came when I arrived at the primitive campground area. Of five spots available, only the middle one was vacant. This spot was surrounded by the other four spots. This didn't seem to be a real problem, so I pitched my tent and got ready to start cooking dinner.
It was during this time that the white minivan pulled into the parking area. Out jumped 4 or 5 kids along with their mothers and grandmothers, and the peaceful serenity of the woods packed up and left town. The men of the families would arrive later. This is eastern Tennessee, so these aren't the mildly amusing redneck idiots you see on Comedy Central; these are the real deal. The happy families immediately took to their tentsites (directly behind mine) and started yelling at each other:
Apparently redneck kids have lots of homegrown games they like to play, like "throw rocks in random directions", "scream for no apparent reason", "smell this", "stare at strangers" or "I'm filthier than you". They also don't understand the concept of "my space - your space". All the campsites, the parking area, and the water supply became their playground.
<While I took certain liberties in the descriptions above this line, below is a creative writing-free paragraph. It is as accurate and true as I can describe it in actual words>
When the men arrived, things only got better. No joke - these guys were your atypical mullet wearing - beer guzzling - tobacco spitting NASCAR enthusiasts in wifebeaters. Their evening consisted of building the Biggest Bonfire Ever, chopping wood, talking loudly about killing things, yelling at the kids, and playing the local classic southern rock radio station as loud as their boombox would go. Most of these activities went on waaaaay into the early morning hours (i.e. 3am). In all seriousness, how much firewood do you need to chop with an axe at 3 in the morning??? Also (and again, I'm not kidding in the least) at 2am everyone else had finally gone to sleep except for the men, who spent several minutes engaged in porno-style moaning with each other. I didn't dare look out of my tent for fear of what I might have seen. I don't know what they were doing, and I don't care to speculate.
<end of creative-writing free paragraph>
So I didn't get much sleep this weekend. Does anyone else have any redneck encounters they want to share???
CLIFFS: went camping, rednecks ruined it
So the wife was out of town this weekend, and I decided it was the perfect opportunity to go camping at a local national forest campground. Normally this place is fairly vacant and quiet, so I fully expected that I would get a whole bunch of R&R in the woods.
My first warning sign came when I arrived at the primitive campground area. Of five spots available, only the middle one was vacant. This spot was surrounded by the other four spots. This didn't seem to be a real problem, so I pitched my tent and got ready to start cooking dinner.
It was during this time that the white minivan pulled into the parking area. Out jumped 4 or 5 kids along with their mothers and grandmothers, and the peaceful serenity of the woods packed up and left town. The men of the families would arrive later. This is eastern Tennessee, so these aren't the mildly amusing redneck idiots you see on Comedy Central; these are the real deal. The happy families immediately took to their tentsites (directly behind mine) and started yelling at each other:
- "Mommy, BillyBob drank another fifth and now he can't find his pacifier."
- "SallyMae, you get up here right now or I'm going to beat you silly, and put your clothes back on. 1, 2, 3, you're in trouble now, girl!!!"
- "Go through that nice man's tent over yonder (i.e. me) and see if he has any cigarettes."
Apparently redneck kids have lots of homegrown games they like to play, like "throw rocks in random directions", "scream for no apparent reason", "smell this", "stare at strangers" or "I'm filthier than you". They also don't understand the concept of "my space - your space". All the campsites, the parking area, and the water supply became their playground.
<While I took certain liberties in the descriptions above this line, below is a creative writing-free paragraph. It is as accurate and true as I can describe it in actual words>
When the men arrived, things only got better. No joke - these guys were your atypical mullet wearing - beer guzzling - tobacco spitting NASCAR enthusiasts in wifebeaters. Their evening consisted of building the Biggest Bonfire Ever, chopping wood, talking loudly about killing things, yelling at the kids, and playing the local classic southern rock radio station as loud as their boombox would go. Most of these activities went on waaaaay into the early morning hours (i.e. 3am). In all seriousness, how much firewood do you need to chop with an axe at 3 in the morning??? Also (and again, I'm not kidding in the least) at 2am everyone else had finally gone to sleep except for the men, who spent several minutes engaged in porno-style moaning with each other. I didn't dare look out of my tent for fear of what I might have seen. I don't know what they were doing, and I don't care to speculate.
<end of creative-writing free paragraph>
So I didn't get much sleep this weekend. Does anyone else have any redneck encounters they want to share???
CLIFFS: went camping, rednecks ruined it
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