How 'welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com' got its start

[Bite]

Alaskan gains a bit of fame spoofing Iraqi official online
Information minister has lovable detachment from reality


Although the admiration does not appear to be mutual, Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf has reached cult status among Americans for imparting such gems as Bush and Rumsfeld "only deserve to be hit with shoes," and "(Americans) have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."

He's got a Web site now. T-shirt sales are booming. Same for the coffee cup: "No American will ever pour coffee into this mug! Never!" Which leaves one to wonder if action figures could be far behind.

Anchorage writer Kieran Mulvaney is among the masterminds behind www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com and its accompanying online store. It all started after he and a handful of friends across the country, who had been e-mailing each other with outrageous quotes of the day, realized they had a little fan club going.

"I mean it really kicked it up a notch when the Americans arrived at the airport and he was just so in denial," Mulvaney said. " 'There are no Americans anywhere near Baghdad!' And he just became more and more brazen. Even when reporters could practically see the Americans on the other side of the Tigris, he was like: 'No! They are in the desert and we are slaughtering them all!' "

Mulvaney suggested a Web site. Within hours, one of his "co-conspirators" had the site up and running with a collection of quotes from the minister, as well as some he would likely have said at pivotal moments of other famous battles, including Gettysburg, Waterloo, the Alamo and the Little Big Horn: "God willing, they will scalp themselves before we do it for them."

They launched it by sending a message to all the friends and colleagues in their address books, then sat back and waited to see what would happen. The thing exploded. Or, as the minister himself would explain, it wasn't a real explosion, just "a container" being dropped to produce "a very huge sound."

Whatever it was, e-mails started pouring in from all over the world. Hundreds of them. And the site got so many hits so fast, it literally got knocked out.

"We had the idea on Tuesday, went live with it on Wednesday and now here we are," Mulvaney said, "there's so much traffic I can't even get on the site.

"It's insane. I mean, you should see our store. We have a barbecue apron now: 'God will roast their stomachs in hell.' "

On the Web page, Mulvaney and his friends describe themselves as a "coalition effort of bloodthirsty hawks and ineffectual doves united in admiration for Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraqi Minister of Information (currently on administrative leave)."

The minister hasn't been seen since Tuesday. As troops marched into Baghdad, with smoke billowing in the background, he faced reporters one more time: "I now inform you that you are too far from reality." He then disappeared.

"He's probably cowering in some bunker somewhere wondering what's happened to his life and his world view," Mulvaney said. "And here we are making money off of him. We should send him a complimentary barbecue apron."

This "ludicrous little enterprise" started off as a joke among friends. Even the T-shirts weren't serious until people made it known they really wanted them.

Mulvaney and his pals were still just laughing about it all when yet another e-mail flashed upon his computer screen:

"Call me please. I'm from Reuters."

"That's when I realized, 'Oh, oh."

As of Friday afternoon, Mulvaney and his cohorts had been interviewed by radio, television and print reporters from the London Daily Telegraph to Reuters to CNN.

Mulvaney, the 35-year-old author of "At the Ends of the Earth: A History of the Polar Regions" and soon-to-be-released "The Whaling Season," had planned to spend this week in his quiet little cottage in Bootleggers Cove, writing a piece on global warming in the Arctic. Instead he's spent his days dealing with the barrage of calls and media attention. He even had to cut short an interview with CBS Radio Network when his cordless phone ran out of juice.

"If I could get a 10th of this much publicity for the real work I do, I'd be really happy," he said.

Thursday evening, as Mulvaney sat in front of his computer wondering if he'd ever get his life back, yet another e-mail flashed on his screen, this one from his next door neighbor, wondering why he couldn't get on the site. A few minutes later, he got this message explaining it:

"In less than one hour of our advertising its existence this morning, our server was put out of commission by traffic bigger than anything we have ever seen. It only took 15 minutes to exceed your monthly bandwidth allowance ..."

At one point, the site got 4,000 hits per second, overwhelming the server and knocking it offline for eight hours. The company that hosted the site pulled the plug.

After switching to its own server, the site was expected to be up and running again by today. There, you'll find among the ditties:

"Listen, this explosion does not frighten us any longer. The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river."

"We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."

"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait."

"Every one is its own mini-classic," Mulvaney said.

"The great thing is, this will last like a week tops, and then everyone will be on to the next Internet craze. But it will just be a great ride while it happens."



Text

 

[conjur]

Now get the t-shirt!

 

[Alistar7]

"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait."

 

[Dari]

if that guy ever shows his face in public again, he'll be seen as the big joke that he is. who can live with that reputation? Maybe it's time for him to commit suicide at the gates of Baghdad.

 

[PG]

Originally posted by: Dari
if that guy ever shows his face in public again, he'll be seen as the big joke that he is. who can live with that reputation? Maybe it's time for him to commit suicide at the gates of Baghdad.

I think he was in that bunker with Sadaam and took a bunker buster up the tailpipe.

 

[Napalm]

-- The All Time Greats --

"There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"
"My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all"
"Our initial assessment is that they will all die"
"I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!"
"God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."
"We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back."
"They're coming to surrender or be burned in their tanks."
"No I am not scared and neither should you be!"
"We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid" (dramatic pause) "and they are condemned."
"The authority of the civil defense ... issued a warning to the civilian population not to pick up any of those pencils because they are booby traps," he said, adding that the British and American forces were "immoral mercenaries" and "war criminals" for such behavior.
"I am not talking about the American people and the British people," he said. "I am talking about those mercenaries. ... They have started throwing those pencils, but they are not pencils, they are booby traps to kill the children."
"We have them surrounded in their tanks"
"The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!"
"Lying is forbidden in Iraq. President Saddam Hussein will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honor and integrity. Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts."
"because we will behead you all"
"Let the American infidels bask in their illusion"
"I triple guarantee you, there are no American soldiers in Baghdad."
Britain "is not worth an old shoe"
"we have given them a sour taste"
Of US troops: "They are most welcome. We will butcher them."
"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."
"We are in control. They are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they think that by killing civilians and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those bastards."
?We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead?
"Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire"
"I speak better English than this villain Bush"
"These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying"
"They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any
place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion ... they are
trying to sell to the others an illusion."
"Their failure in this regard is abysmal. They want to tell the world changes thought - as a matter of fact, they do not respect the world, they want to tell taxpayers and the domestic public to keep them deceived. We will embroil them, confuse them and keep them in the quagmire. They have begun to tell more lies so that they might continue with the perpetration of their crimes. May they be accursed."
"We will kill them all........most of them."
"They are like a snake and we are going to cut it in pieces."
"They do not even have control over themselves! Do not believe them!"
Called Americans and Brits "Tarateer"? In Iraqi slang, Tartoor means a guy full of farts (hot air)
"they are nowhere near the airport ..they are lost in the desert...they can not read a compass...they are retarded."
"Faltering forces of infidels cannot just enter a country of 26 million people and lay besiege to them! They are the ones who will find themselves under siege. Therefore, in reality whatever this miserable Rumsfeld has been saying, he was talking about his own forces. Now even the American command is under siege."
"They tried to bring a small number of tanks and personnel carriers in through al-Durah but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut."
"Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly."
"We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."

"On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the infidels who were killed and the number of destroyed vehicles. The operation continues"
"We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted."

"I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have
started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We
will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."
"Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."
"NO", snapped Mr al-Sahaf, "We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!"

"We defeated them yesterday. God willing, I will provide you
with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those
who are staying in Washington and London have thrown these
mercenaries in a crematorium."
"Please, please! The Americans are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method."
"They will be burnt. We are going to tackle them"
"We blocked them inside the city. Their rear is blocked"
"Desperate Americans"
"Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport. The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed."
"They are trying to fool you. They are showing any old pictures of buildings. They even went into the VIP section of the airport, just because Saddam Hussein may have sat in such and such a chair or slept in such and such a bed"
"We went into the airport and crushed them, we cleaned the WHOOOLE place out, they were slaughtered"
"Yes, the american troops have advanced further. This will only make it easier for us to defeat them"
"Their casualties and bodies are many."
[On surrenders] "Those are not Iraqi soldiers at all. Where did they bring them from?"
"Just look carefully, I only want you to look carefully. Do not repeat the lies of liars. Do not become like them. Once again, I blame al-Jazeera before it ascertains what takes place. Please, make sure of what you say and do not play such a role."
"Search for the truth. I tell you things and I always ask you to verify what I say. I told you yesterday that there was an attack and a retreat at Saddam's airport."
"You can go and visit those places. Nothing there, nothing at all. There are Iraqi checkpoints. Everything is okay."
"This boa, the American columns, are being besieged between Basra and other towns north, west, south and west of Basra....Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there."
"By God, I think this is rather very unlikely. This is merely a prattle. The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them....Wherever they go they will find themselves encircled."
"Listen, this explosion does not frighten us any longer. The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river. I mean here that over the past two days we managed to shoot down 196 missiles before they hit their target."
"Blair...is accusing us of executing British soldiers. We want to tell him that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured."
"They fled. The American louts fled. Indeed, concerning the fighting waged by the heroes of the Arab Socialist Baath Party yesterday, one amazing thing really is the cowardice of the American soldiers. we had not anticipated this."
"the louts of colonialism."
"The forces of American colonialism began to drop containers that produce a sound explosion, a very huge sound. I remind you that they said that their strategy is based on shock and awe. Those failed ones manufactured a type of container that has an explosive substance, which they drop. They cause a very huge explosion in terms of sound, as if the universe was shaken. After a while, you go out and you don't find anything. You find some nails, screws, pieces of metal, but the important thing here is the sound. Those failed ones think that through the huge sound explosion, people would be shocked and consequently would collapse and be defeated. What happened? The contrary. The fighters..., the masses..., and the heroic sons of the Iraqi tribes discovered this game. They will turn it against the American louts so as to shock them. Wait for surprises, God willing, to see how the US game will fail."
"The shock has backfired on them. They are shocked because of what they have seen. No one received them with roses. They were received with bombs, shoes and bullets. Now, the game has been exposed. Awe will backfire on them. This is the boa snake. We will extend it further and cut it the appropriate way."
"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait."
"As for the mercenaries who advanced to the perimeters of Saddam International Airport, I would like to remind you of something. I will mention something that will make the picture clear for you and help you to understand what took place at Saddam International Airport. Most of you probably saw the American movie "Wag the Dog". I hope you remember it. Some of their acts that took place at dawn yesterday and today are similar to what happened in "Wag the Dog". If we succeed in keeping them isolated on that island, and we are determined to do so, we might let them taste a second mini Dien Bien Phu tonight. The European journalists remember it well. Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly. They are completely surrounded now. This morning, the number of armoured personnel carriers that were destroyed, along with their occupants, is eight. The number of the tanks destroyed is 11."

"Tonight, we will do something unconventional against them. This means: not by the military. We will do something that I believe will become a pretty example for those mercenaries. I would not be giving out a secret when I say that action in the dark against such mercenaries is effective, not through the action of armies. I say that dropping down those mercenaries in a surprise fashion at Saddam Airport without accurate calculations is largely meant for showing things. It's a showy operation. It is a kind of surprise muscle flexing to the world to show it that the shock and awe operation is indeed successful. May they be accursed. Through this operation [shock and awe], they sent a number of their villains and mercenaries to be butchered. Again, and according to my early estimates, unless the remaining part of their soldiers surrender, the chance for their survival is very slim. The surprising thing is that after they threw their soldiers into a place where they are not aware of the real results, the villainous Americans, like Powell and the others, sat in Europe to discuss how to divide Iraq as spoils after the war [laughing]. This means what's post-war. The post-war [Iraq] will be the same current Iraq under the leadership of President Saddam Husayn."

"We will pursue them as war criminals. We will work with all the free people in the world, and they are many, who want someone to bell the cat [i.e.; to do a daring deed], and now we are belling the cat, according to the famous [Arabic] saying so as to rid the UN of those villains. After Iraq aborts the invasion that is being carried out by the American and British villains, the USA will no longer be a superpower. Its deterioration will be rapid. I say to those villains who are meeting in Europe, thinking of launching psychological war and brainwashing: wait. Do not be hasty because your disappointment will be huge. You will reap nothing from this aggressive war, which you launched on Iraq, except for disgrace and defeat. Iraq will continue to exist. Its civilization is 10,000 years old. It will not be changed by villains like the US and British villains."
"W. Bush, this man is a war criminal, and we will see
that he is brought to trial"
"I think the British nation has never been faced with a tragedy like this fellow [Blair]."
"The United Nations....[is] a place for prostitution under the feet of
Americans."
"They are sick in their minds. They say they brought 65 tanks into center
of city. I say to you this talk is not true. This is part of their sick mind."
"We have destroyed 50 tanks today. That 5-ohhh tanks" [while holding up his fingers]
"They are superpower of villains. They are superpower of Al Capone."
Americans are "wild donkeys" ['Alog' in Arabic]
"There are no Iraqis disguising themselves"
"I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place"
"Iraqi fighters in Umm Qasr are giving the hordes of American and Brtish
mercenaries the taste of definite death. We have drawn them into a
quagmire and they will never get out of it."
"What they say about a breakthrough [in Najaf] is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places . . . they are trying to crack the buildings by flying low over them."
"We have crushed the whole force which dared to venture there. Now they're outside the wall and the heroic Republican Guard is now in control of the whole area. . . . So where are those villainous louts, those mercenaries?''
"Their forces committed suicide by the hundreds.... The battle is very
fierce and God made us victorious. The fighting continues."
"Yesterday, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them."
"They think we are retarded - they are retarded."
(leaflet drops) "I think this is very laughable for a Superpower to be so cheap to drop inside Iraq such poor things and they are printed in Kuwait''
"...crocodile tears [shed in] .. The gangster Bush's lair..." (refers to Bush and Blair at Camp David calling for the Geneva Conventions to be applied to all POWs)
"We're going to drag the drunken junkie nose of Bush through Iraq's desert, him and his follower dog Blair...There are 26 million Saddams in Iraq"
"We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp"
"When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfathers of Blair and little Bush were scratching around in caves"
"They will come and we will slap them about the head and then kick them on their backsides when they leave"
About Bush: "the leader of the international criminal gang of bastards."
"the insane little dwarf Bush"
About Bush and Rumsfeld: "Those only deserve to be hit with shoes."
"Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can't understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president."
"Who is this dog Franks in Qatar?"
"Whenever we attack, they retreat. When we pound them with missiles and heavy artillery, they retreat even deeper. But when we stopped pounding, they pushed to the airport for propaganda purposes.''
Any apparent American gains, he said, were a cunning ploy by the Iraqis to lure the enemy into a trap. "Our armed
forces, according to their tactics, are leaving the way open"
"The capital, especially the commandos, are getting ready to wipe them out"
"We are surrounding them and pounding them. The whole trend has changed and we are going to finalize this very soon.''

 

[burnedout]

Originally posted by: Dari
if that guy ever shows his face in public again, he'll be seen as the big joke that he is. who can live with that reputation? Maybe it's time for him to commit suicide at the gates of Baghdad.

He was simply performing his job. Not only was his unbelievable, yet humorous rhetoric intended to preserve the hopes of the Iraqi people, but it was also designed to cast doubt on U.S. success from a world perspective. I must hand it to him. He never quit.

If he is captured or surrenders, and somehow manages to "come clean" from this conflict, an appearance on Letterman or Leno, with a good scriptwriter, would not surprise me in the least.