ok so I've installed the TRD rear sway bar, made a good difference in accelerating while turning, but the front left/right wheels still dive when turning while braking, decelerating, or maintaining speed.
I think the very first thing I need is a front sway bar-- I may not even care to upgrade my suspension.
Then new shocks&springs, and possibly struts (though visualizing the tension/compression/moments, I'm having trouble seeing where struts would make a noticeable difference (the firewall is already pretty hard). Struts are pretty cheap though so if I notice a bit of play, no biggie, I can buy them.
Overall I'm very happy with how this is turning out. I think the shocks+springs+Front Sway bar will be what I need to get close enough to my friend's BMW to be happy.
edit: wait take that back. Apparently the front sway bar will make the understeer worse, don't want that.
Still debating on the springs. I'm not sure those rates are going to be enough to keep me happy. Everything I'm reading says I'll need coilovers for solid tracking through the turns.