RULES FOR BEING A GOOD REPUBLICAN IN 21st CENTURY AMERICA
1) You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was
due entirely to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that
yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault.
2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success
all on their own.
3) You have to be against government programs, but expect your Social
Security checks on time.
4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's
lives, yet you want government to regulate same-gender marriages and what
the official language of this country should be.
5) You have to believe that pollution is OK, so long as it makes a
profit.
6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as people don't
pray to Allah, Krishna or Buddha, and you're not too sure about Yahweh.
7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
8) You have to believe that women cannot be trusted with decisions
about their own bodies, but that large multinational corporations should
have no regulation or interference whatsoever.
9) You know you love Jesus and that Jesus loves you and that Jesus
shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
10) You have to believe that society is colorblind and growing up black
in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still don't want
your child to marry one.
11) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50
million dollars of taxpayer money to attack Clinton because no other U.S.
presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives and less than candid
about it.
12) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun
is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all
Americans.
13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools,
because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
14) You have to believe that the American Civil Liberties Union is bad
because they defend the Constitution, while the National Rifle Association
is good because they defend the Constitution.
15) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to
deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that
the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore
it, it will go away (like in Africa).
16) You believe that only sinners get AIDS, and it's God's punishment to
them for their sins.
17) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals
of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the
Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.
18) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more
Americans than private handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
19) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old
growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the
extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
20) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt
Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Bob Livingston and Rudy Guilliani for their marital
infidelities, but that bastard Clinton should be impeached.
1) You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was
due entirely to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that
yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault.
2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success
all on their own.
3) You have to be against government programs, but expect your Social
Security checks on time.
4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's
lives, yet you want government to regulate same-gender marriages and what
the official language of this country should be.
5) You have to believe that pollution is OK, so long as it makes a
profit.
6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as people don't
pray to Allah, Krishna or Buddha, and you're not too sure about Yahweh.
7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
8) You have to believe that women cannot be trusted with decisions
about their own bodies, but that large multinational corporations should
have no regulation or interference whatsoever.
9) You know you love Jesus and that Jesus loves you and that Jesus
shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
10) You have to believe that society is colorblind and growing up black
in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still don't want
your child to marry one.
11) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50
million dollars of taxpayer money to attack Clinton because no other U.S.
presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives and less than candid
about it.
12) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun
is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all
Americans.
13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools,
because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
14) You have to believe that the American Civil Liberties Union is bad
because they defend the Constitution, while the National Rifle Association
is good because they defend the Constitution.
15) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to
deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that
the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore
it, it will go away (like in Africa).
16) You believe that only sinners get AIDS, and it's God's punishment to
them for their sins.
17) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals
of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the
Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.
18) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more
Americans than private handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
19) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old
growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the
extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
20) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt
Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Bob Livingston and Rudy Guilliani for their marital
infidelities, but that bastard Clinton should be impeached.
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