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How the hell can i get through to a friend of mine?

quakefiend420

quakefiend420

Lifer
little bit of background info, he spent a little over a year in prison for violating drug court, has been out for almost a year...he's on probation now

he calls me tonight wondering what i'm up to...i find out he's at the casino, he asks me to come up there and gamble with him a bit...i ask him how he got there he says someone else's name, so i assume they drove him

as soon as i walked in the door the first thing he asks me is to borrow some money to play with...i know he only brings a certain amount with him to keep from losing too much, and i know he's good for the cash, but i refuse to loan it to him seeing as he blows waay too much money up there anyway, and who am i to interfere with his "bring a small amount of cash" system, right?

then i find out he's eaten a couple of xanax bars...drank about a 6 pack of beer, stole his mom's car and drove it up there with no fvcking driver's license just to gamble

so i took him outside the door and kind of gave him a mini lecture, you know, "hey dipsh1t, i'm your buddy, so i'm gonna give it to you straight" kind of talks

he gets all pissy and eventually i ended up throwing a hundred dollars at him and fvcking left before i knocked his teeth down his throat

how can i get through to him? he's been my friend for over half my life, but he has an alcohol and gambling addiction...bad

if he gets stopped coming back tonight, he's back to prison for 5 years guaranfuckingteed

is there some way i can force him into a 30 day rehab without screwing up his probation? i know he won't go willingly...kinda like committing someone to the nuthome, you know?

i just don't know what to do

UPDATE: i may have figured something out

i bet him $1000 that he can't stay completley sober for an entire month...he took the bet....hopefully he wins
 
sorry quakefiend, I don't mean to be overly negative, but I just don't understand. If you're trying to help him, don't enable this behavior.
 
Originally posted by: quakefiend420
Originally posted by: DanFungus
so.. why did you give him $100?
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i don't know...i was just mad...i'm trying to help him and he's sitting there telling me i'm a prick
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u aren't getting through to him by giving him a benjamin :thumbsdown:
 
I don't know about the rehab thing violating his probation, but maybe try to talk to his family or something, get you and another friend to talk to him. You don't want to seem like you are attacking him, just let him know that you care and don't want to see him go back to prison and waste his life.
 
i know...i know

i was just pissed off, you know?

it was just like "here take the ****** money, get ****** up, crash your mom's car, go to jail, gamble away what you have and go back to prison again you ****** jackass"
 
i mean, i'm trying to be his friend and help him out and he's acting like i just stabbed him in the back

i even tried to get someone to come up there and drive my car and i would drive his mom's car back...he flat out refused
 
if he doesnt want your help than dont force it on him, he obviously is smart enough to know what he is doing.
 
Originally posted by: quakefiend420
Originally posted by: iamaelephant
He's a lost cause. Dump that dead weight and move on.
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he's like my brother and i claim him as such, i can't just do that
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Then that's your loss. You won't be able to change him, and worst case scenario he will drag you down with him.
 
Originally posted by: iamaelephant
Originally posted by: quakefiend420
Originally posted by: iamaelephant
He's a lost cause. Dump that dead weight and move on.
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he's like my brother and i claim him as such, i can't just do that
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Then that's your loss. You won't be able to change him, and worst case scenario he will drag you down with him.
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I have to agree.
 
He needs professional help, this kind of help, society will not offer him, at least not without a price. What is usually the case, he will need to find a sense of love somewhere that can help patch the scars that have or has taken place in his life so that he can heal and move on with the rest of his life. Unfortunately, if you do not have the ability to remedy to someone compassion enough to help them find tolerance within themselves to express enough emotion to find any type of positive potential for that person, a paid specialist will attempt to get the job done. One thing for sure, the power of love must be present, otherwise he will feel like a robot, and not like a real human being.

Usually you find this kind of stuff growing up in the home. I'd say, this guy has real issues and didn't get a lot of help growing up through his childhood and teen years, or else made a decision some time down his paths to get involved in abusive habbits that eventually lead him to making wrongful decision making. Either way, he messed up and has been influenced that his behavior and attitude is acceptable to him and the way he sets up his standards.

I remember reading what Barbara Bush mentioned:

"Whatever the era, whatever the times, one thing will never change: Father and mothers, if you have children, they must come first. You must read to your children and you must hug your children and you must love your children. Your success as a family, our success as a society, depends not on what happens in the White House but on what happens inside your house."

That was her insight. To me, I'd say make him feel like your brother, not like a mean father who doesn't care about the feelings of his children and attempt to lecture a relative until they feel overwhelmed and often times uncomfortable.

Of course, blindness is another factor. You'll have to open his eyes up to real world events that other people go through, and let him know that life is serious. Someone will always pay the price for another person's actions, good or bad, the immediate and longterm consequences are universal no matter how much we try to think about an aftermath of an event that has already taken place.

Here's what to try:
1. Wake up early and pursue 30 minutes to an hour of physical exercise
2. food that does not consist of junk food, after intense physical training only
3. Personal study - math, reading, social studies and science
4. Art - imagine it, produce it and emphasize
5. Community involement
6. Break a diet, fast for 2-3 meals, this will sharpen the mind and apply self-dicipline (once a week)
7. Teach 'em short term goals, long term goals and how to plan out a day, week, month, year, term, decade, life time
8. Get a job, get a car, get a place to stay, earn a living
9. remain a brother, communication and self-tolerance (what you will put up with, what level of leadership you will tolerate and how much emotion you will allow before you need to readjust/reinforce your standards
10. repeat

p.s. I don't believe you're a selfish person, personally if one of my friends was like this, I'd ditch 'em. but because I've been through a number of studies and intense communication training; I thought I'd share with you what I thought. the best way is to teach by example, however. you can't tell him that rated R movies are not good if you are watching them yourself, for example, no way he'd listen to you. don't control him either, or lecture him, he's old enough to know that true friends don't give feedback like lectures. one more thing, find time to find good, or evil will find you. ~sAyOnArA~
 
tip #1 you cant make people change or get better
tip #2 dump his sorry worthless ass



did it to a friend like yours ( only it was meth in his case )
didnt see him or talk to his sorry ass till he was straight
took him 10 years to get his crap straight
now were friends again and laugh about it
 
Nobody can help him but himself and Gamblers Anonymous. The problem is, he's not just addicted to gambling, but to almost anything, beer, liquor, and other drugs. Most are multi addicted. Giving him any of those, or aiding him with money, is just enabling or reinforcing the behavior that you are concerned about.

Sorry to say, but he won't quit until the bottom comes, where he loses everything he has and can't go on, or he get's arrested again.
Do some research on intervention. That is the act of a group of family and friends bringing the bottom to him.
 
Originally posted by: quakefiend420
i mean, i'm trying to be his friend and help him out and he's acting like i just stabbed him in the back

i even tried to get someone to come up there and drive my car and i would drive his mom's car back...he flat out refused
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It's hard to understand, but some people are determined to screw up. When he acted like you stabbed him in the back, he was just trying to manipulate you. Do you think he called you because he wanted to see you? No, he wanted money to gamble with, and he thought he could bully you into giving him some. That worked. Addicts will lie, cheat and steal to get what they want. They could care less about friendship, loyalty and honor.

He lied to you about how he got there (for no good reason), he's doing things that seriously jeopardize his freedom. Clearly he is not interested in getting his life straightened out.

I had a friend who spent every cent he had on drugs. Cost him his job, had no place to live, ended up in a YMCA in a crack house neighborhood and using his welfare money to pay the $160 rent.

I finally told him that while I would always consider him a friend, I could not and would not associate with him as long as he didn't address his drug problem. Couple weeks later he called me begging me to front him $20 for food since he hadn't eaten in three days. I went over, took him to dinner, then went over to the supermarket and bought him a $100 gift card (wouldn't give him cash) for the supermarket and another $100 gift card for the restaurant. He said that would cover him for two weeks.

A week later he called again. He sold both gift cards to buy crack. He was hungry again. I took him to dinner again but said that was it. No more money, but he can call me any time. He had to choose to get better. He's in a 6-month rehab at the moment.

You can only help people who want to be helped. Don't give him money, and make sure he understands why. If he chooses his lifestyle over your friendship, that's his choice. Don't let it drive you nuts. It's his choice.
 
Most of the addicts I have known in my lifetime, are so evil and manipulative, when they are sick. They are clearly driven by their addictions, and will stop at nothing to get their fix.

When you have a friend like that, you have to understand that the drugs or the addiction are driving their actions, not the person you know.
 
like others said, you cant' give him that $100, he'll do the samething again next time to get that $100.
 
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