How long to recover from a parent's death?

djheater

Lifer
Mar 19, 2001
14,637
2
0
In the last week or so I came to the realization that I was\am still dealing with my father's death last November. That realization put a lot of my frustration and depression in the last 10 months in new perspective.

He died at 63 from esophageal cancer. He was diagnosed in July and was dead by November. The aggressive chemo and radiation kicked his ass pretty bad and since he had previously lived alone I pretty much moved in with him and did everything for him. Helped him shower, cleaned up his vomit and sh!t, changed bandages, everything.

I was very attached to him, my wife is the only other person in the world I have ever been able to talk to as frankly and sincerely as him.

In a week or so I get my work review. Needless to say from about August to Feb. '05 I was pretty useless (I still did some things, but I ususally have major projects and that was right out). I've been unable to completely engage the last 4-5 months... I'm JUST NOW starting to feel like I'm getting back to my old productivity levels. (As I post this from work :))....

If you were my manager (and none of them have said ONE WORD to me about my productivity, btw, this is all self-criticism) how long would you give for grief, etc....
 

JulesMaximus

No Lifer
Jul 3, 2003
74,542
921
126
Originally posted by: djheater
In the last week or so I came to the realization that I was\am still dealing with my father's death last November. That realization put a lot of my frustration and depression in the last 10 months in new perspective.

He died at 63 from esophageal cancer. He was diagnosed in July and was dead by November. The aggressive chemo and radiation kicked his ass pretty bad and since he had previously lived alone I pretty much moved in with him and did everything for him. Helped him shower, cleaned up his vomit and sh!t, changed bandages, everything.

I was very attached to him, my wife is the only other person in the world I have ever been able to talk to as frankly and sincerely as him.

In a week or so I get my work review. Needless to say from about August to Feb. '05 I was pretty useless (I still did some things, but I ususally have major projects and that was right out). I've been unable to completely engage the last 4-5 months... I'm JUST NOW starting to feel like I'm getting back to my old productivity levels. (As I post this from work :))....

If you were my manager (and none of them have said ONE WORD to me about my productivity, btw, this is all self-criticism) how long would you give for grief, etc....

I guess that all depends on your level within the company and how much they value you. Sounds like they've been very accomodating though. :thumbsup: You don't see that at a lot of companies these days.

BTW-You have my sincere condolences for your loss.
rose.gif
 

djheater

Lifer
Mar 19, 2001
14,637
2
0
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Sounds like they've been very accomodating though. :thumbsup: You don't see that at a lot of companies these days.

No question. They've ben outstanding, and my two team-mates picked up the slack without batting an eye. I've thanked them very sincerely and publicly for it as well.

 

BooGiMaN

Diamond Member
Jul 5, 2001
7,955
0
0
im still dealing with my moms death this past january from cancer as well....i think about her each and every day it doesnt help that i have a long drive to and from work each day where i tend to go over events having to do with my mom


i can tell you it has brought my immediate family closer but here is still a big void, we go and visit her each sunday and bring her flowers, clean her headstone and just spends hours just being with her as a family...that might sound odd..but thats what we do.
 

NFS4

No Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
72,636
46
91
I want to gouge out my eyeballs just THINKING about one of my parents dying. I can't even imagine it. I'd be a wreck. I'm so close to my parents and they've ALWAYS been there for me.
 

Triumph

Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
15,031
14
81
It was the third year (this year) that I actually forgot the anniversary of my mother's death on the anniversary. It doesn't hurt any more, I just miss her. I dunno, a year is a good amount of time to have it stop affecting your daily life, but it also depends on how close you were to him. Everyone is different.
 

PAB

Banned
Dec 4, 2002
1,719
1
0
My mom died 5 weeks ago. My uncle told me the 6th week is the worse.

I want to set fire to the entire house and go punch my dad.

My uncle wasn't that far off.

If your boss is understanding about the entire situation, I don't think he'd even consider giving you a negative for all that.
 

MichaelD

Lifer
Jan 16, 2001
31,528
3
76
Always the iconoclast, I'll throw a curveball in here?

"How long to recover from a parent's death?"

Well, that really depends how close you were to said parent, now doesn't it?

My father passed away last November as well, after a long, protracted illness. He had Parkinsons and Dementia and rotted away, a vegetable, in a nursing home the last 6 years of his life.

My parents were married until the end...almost 40 years; so I don't come from a "broken home" or any of that psychobabble BS.

I left home at 18 b/c my father had this annoying little habit of physically beating my brother and I into bloody pulps whenever he felt like it. It's one thing to be a child and get beat with a 2x4 (yes, a 2x4) on your legs until you can't walk for a week.

It's another thing entirely to be a young man of 16/17, and have your father deck you right in the face, nail you in the stomach etc and threaten to throw you out in the street should you strike back.

So. How long? I'm over it b/c I never felt bad. He got what he deserved; a long, protracted painful death. I hope he's well and happy in the afterlife, but other than that, I felt, feel and will not feel, much of anything.

Sure, I cried at the funeral. He WAS my father, the only one I'll ever have. The man who brought me into this world. That loss is felt no matter HOW you feel about the person that was your father.

Other than that *shrug* pass the chips.

ps
Just so you don't think I'm a stone cold ogre; I am very close to my Mom and love her dearly. She's elderly now...I wish she could live forever, but I know that's not possible. Her death will kill me when it happens. She's a good woman that just married the wrong guy. She has held her head up high and raised two boys that know right from wrong. Now she's a happy Grandma and my heart smiles every time I speak with her. :)
 

TXHokie

Platinum Member
Nov 16, 1999
2,558
176
106
My condolences. I lost my dad right the week before Father's day and am struggling. I'm even avoiding listening to songs on radio because any old song now reminds me of times when he was alive and that just depresses me. My friend told me when his mom passed it took him a year before he was "normal" again so I guess that's my next milestone. *sigh* :(
 

spidey07

No Lifer
Aug 4, 2000
65,469
5
76
It's been almost 3 years and it still stings.

Counseling wouldn't be a bad idea.

-edit-
sounds cheesy, but...

Whenever I see a really beautiful sunset I just say outloud "thanks Mom. Looks good" It works as a way to remember and be at peace.
 

LanceM

Senior member
Mar 13, 2004
999
0
0
It's hard (I know from experience), but you *have* to pull yourself together and be productive. Do it for yourself, do it for your wife, and do it for your father. A father wants his child to be successful and lead a happy life. You can miss your father, but you *can't* let his death lower the quality of your life any further.

EDIT: I wasn't going to add this, but the above words are paraphrased from my best friend's father, less than two days before he passed away after a heart attack.
 

lokiju

Lifer
May 29, 2003
18,526
5
0
Maybe try some grief counseling? I know a lot of companies offer things like this for just this sort of situation.

 

GuitarDaddy

Lifer
Nov 9, 2004
11,465
1
0
I'm still trying to deal with my Moms death on 6/8/06, I'm not totally consumed by it anymore, but I still have a sadness that I just can't seem to shake. The hardest part has been dealing with my Dad, since her death he has slipped into a never ending deep depression and has turned to drinking quite heavily. He's trying real hard to get over it and get on with whats left of his life, but after 59 years of marriage he is absolutely lost and alone. And at the age of 80 most of his lifelong friends are already gone.
 

compuwiz1

Admin Emeritus Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
27,111
926
126
I don't think it ever goes away. Just try and shift your thoughts to rememberance of the good times together, and have faith that he does not hurt anymore, and is in a better place.
 

Kalvin00

Lifer
Jan 11, 2003
12,705
4
81
Originally posted by: NFS4
I want to gouge out my eyeballs just THINKING about one of my parents dying. I can't even imagine it. I'd be a wreck. I'm so close to my parents and they've ALWAYS been there for me.

'Tis how I used to be...(I'm 17 right now,btw)...thinking of mom or dad dying scared the living hell out of me. Then on August 26 of last year....it happened when my dad died unexpectedly. :(

Doesn't affect how I live right now....but I miss him so damn much.
 

MichaelD

Lifer
Jan 16, 2001
31,528
3
76
Originally posted by: GuitarDaddy
I'm still trying to deal with my Moms death on 6/8/06, I'm not totally consumed by it anymore, but I still have a sadness that I just can't seem to shake. The hardest part has been dealing with my Dad, since her death he has slipped into a never ending deep depression and has turned to drinking quite heavily. He's trying real hard to get over it and get on with whats left of his life, but after 59 years of marriage he is absolutely lost and alone. And at the age of 80 most of his lifelong friends are already gone.

That is truly a rough situation. Now YOU are "the parent" taking care of him. Funny (not) how life works out that way, you know? You "grow up", move out, start your own life, then you wind up taking care of your parents. It's the right thing to do, though. Best of luck to you and your Dad.

My Dad was ill for about 4 years before we had to put him in the home. He didn't know who my Mom was, or who anyone was for that matter. Then he lost control of his muscles and bodily functions. Mom was alone for many years before he died; it wasn't a shock. I don't know what is worse; seeing the slow destruction caused by a protracted illness, or dealing with a sudden death out of the blue.

Best of luck to your Dad.
 

skyking

Lifer
Nov 21, 2001
22,542
5,588
146
Being the caregiver, it is more difficult to focus on the good memories, the stuff your parent would want you to think about. It is not fair to you as a child to have to do that, yet so many of us are the caregivers of our parents in their hardest times.
Even if it is only on the subconscious level, you tend to resent them for putting you in that position, and then feeling guilty about that. It is a terrible of a quandry, emotion-wise. The turmoil takes a long time to subside.
It has been very difficult for my wife. She and I were there for both of her parents, and her mother battled cancer for 5 years.
 

MiranoPoncho

Golden Member
Oct 7, 2004
1,441
0
0
When My mom went 2 months ago in may, things havent been the same, incredible person. Time cannot heal all, best thing to do is talk and let it dull down. When will the end present itself? Most likley never, when can you try to get some help about it? You've a few more decades or bi-centiniels to go, make the best of them, as 30 is far too young to be considered middle aged.
 

Old Hippie

Diamond Member
Oct 8, 2005
6,361
1
0
My mom passed on 5/04/2005. I still cry. I don't think this will ever end. I'm sorry for your loss.
rose.gif
 

Patt

Diamond Member
Jan 30, 2000
5,288
2
81
I am the same way from the death of my older brother in 1999 from a rare form of bone cancer. I still have issues from that, and I'm not sure if I'll ever get over them. Acting in a surrogate parental role takes a huge toll on you. I know it sure did on me when I was 24, I changed a lot from the person I was back then.

It has slipped a bit further into the background, but I notice myself slipping around important (to me) dates. Best I can offer is to say that you did what you did out of love, and made them as comfortable as possible in their final moments. I was holding my brother's hand when he passed away, and I'll always be thankful I was with him.

PM me if you want to rant.
 

Maximus96

Diamond Member
Nov 9, 2000
5,388
1
0
I share many of the feelings already posted. My dad passed away last november. 5 days later my wife give birth to our now 8 month old baby girl. My wife and I are still sad whenever we talk about my dad. I wish he could have seen his grand daughter. He was confident that he'll get to see her, but at the time he was fighting lung cancer for close to 2 years and the end came very sudden. I still remember the day before he passed, he acted unusally alert that night, talking to us much more than normal, squeezing my mom's hand to show he still have strength and laughing about it. then the next day afternoon he took a nap and never woke up. sometimes we think he came back as our daughter. starting at 4 months old, she would always smile and giggle when we hold her in front of his picture on the wall.
 

Tiamat

Lifer
Nov 25, 2003
14,068
5
71
oh god, i don't even want to think about my parents dying. I would be a wreak for a long time. I think the more support you have from close friends (incl relatives, spouse) the easier it is to get through the tough times. If you don't have any close friends (too far away), are single, work night shifts etc. I would imagine the pain being overbearing
 

mk52

Senior member
Aug 8, 2000
810
0
0
It's scary that on board with mostly young members, so many had to already deal with loosing a parent.