How does this email sound to you guys? Good? No? Sound like I'm desperate/begging?

PeeluckyDuckee

Diamond Member
Feb 21, 2001
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I'm seeking internal transfer opportunity and have emailed the assistant and branch managers directly with attached resume. I've submitted a formal interest via corporate website but would like to increase my odds.....

Names have been changed to protect the possibility/odds of the parties involved from ever finding out this site and see me make fun of them

------------------------

Hello Ms. Shack-a-lack-a-lack & Mr. Wanker,

This is xxx from xxx in xxx. I've recently recognized a xxx position opportunity at your location from the corporate website and would like to express my interest in the position.

Enclosed is detailed copy of my resume for your consideration.

Been with Royal Direct since September 2003 and have learned and still learning a great deal about personal banking in general and would like to extend my learning to the branch area. I've dealt with customers face-to-face via my 3yrs at McDonalds, and as per your online requirements am fluent in verbal cantonese dialect.

Last quarter was my best sales quarter with the institution, 120%. Feel free to contact my current team lead Fred Flintstone and/or my previous team lead Barney Rubbles at xxx-xxx-xxxx for any stats information. I'm at work Monday thur Fridays 12-8 as well should you wish to contact myself. My email at work is plucky.duck@homo.com

My brother has secured an apartment and is moving to Calgary in August 2005 and so I will have no problems starting the position on a dime's notice. You may not realise how much this position means to me, but it would really be one of those life changing moments for me

I'm confident my skills set will suit your branch's needs and look forward to hearing from you for interview arrangements. Any questions, please feel free to contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx at home between 9am and 11am central time. Ask for Plucky.


Nervous and excited,
Plucky



---------------------------------------------

Did I overdo it? Oh well, too late. Email already submitted!! I'm going to do a follow up call with them a couple days later and hopefully I can secure an interview. Wish me luck guys!! *fingers crossed*
 

Chaotic42

Lifer
Jun 15, 2001
34,688
1,858
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I would have changed "Been with Royal..." to "I have been with Royal..." and I would drop all of the contractions.

That's just me though.

 
Jun 14, 2005
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Been with Royal Direct since September 2003 and have learned and still learning a great deal about personal banking in general and would like to extend my learning to the branch area. I've dealt with customers face-to-face via my 3yrs at McDonalds, and as per your online requirements am fluent in verbal cantonese dialect.

----

LMFAO

It sounds like a bank you are applying for. I would definately leave out the mcdonalds :) Btw. I have no idea how to quote properly.
 

PeeluckyDuckee

Diamond Member
Feb 21, 2001
4,464
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Yeah it's a branch job and the current two jobs is me staring at a computer so I wanted to make a point that I can deal with customers on a human level as well. Maybe McD was a bad example to use :p
 

Landroval

Platinum Member
Feb 5, 2005
2,275
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The writing is not up to par for a professional letter. I would work on tightening it up. And nix the "life changing" part.

:)
 

jerryjg

Banned
Jul 2, 2005
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Yea, you overdid it. that said, that wouldnt necessarily prevent you from acquiring the position.
 

Lorn

Banned
Nov 28, 2004
2,143
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"You may not realise how much this position means to me, but it would really be one of those life changing moments for me."

Nope.
 

PeeluckyDuckee

Diamond Member
Feb 21, 2001
4,464
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I'll be submitting similar emails to other branches. I'll clean it up for those ones. Think it'll make any positive impact even though I've already made the official submission via corporate website submission form? From your responses, more like they'll have a good laugh at my email more than anything else.

Thanks for the positive criticism fellas :)

I kind of regret sending the email so quick now :( :( :(
 

Chompman

Banned
Mar 14, 2003
5,608
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I would suggest you get a decent email name first.

I don't think "plucky.duck@homo.com " will work.



:D
 

PeeluckyDuckee

Diamond Member
Feb 21, 2001
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That part is part of the "Names have been changed to protect the possibility/odds of the parties involved from ever finding out this site and see me make fun of them" :D
 

Chompman

Banned
Mar 14, 2003
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Originally posted by: PeeluckyDuckee
That part is part of the "Names have been changed to protect the possibility/odds of the parties involved from ever finding out this site and see me make fun of them" :D

I know but I just wanted a excuse to say that email address. :D
 

PeeluckyDuckee

Diamond Member
Feb 21, 2001
4,464
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Originally posted by: lavagirl669
Did you really put

Nervous and excited
at the end? :confused:

....wait, you already sent this?


Nah, I said.....

Horny, masterbated, and now flacid,
Plucky :D j/k
 

angstsoldat

Senior member
Jun 30, 2005
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Originally posted by: Chompman
Originally posted by: PeeluckyDuckee
That part is part of the "Names have been changed to protect the possibility/odds of the parties involved from ever finding out this site and see me make fun of them" :D

I know but I just wanted a excuse to say that email address. :D

:D