I'm trying to understand the big picture of how a CPU works so universally to do unlimited kinds of calculations.
If you're going to mention theoretic concepts like Turing machine, then I have to point out that theoretically, and in a strong sense, CPUs can do very limited kinds of calculations. Just google about "Computable function".
To give you some idea: consider just integer functions. The number of these is uncountably infinite, i.e. much more numerous than the set of integers, the exact same kind of relation as the cardinalities of real numbers and integers.
You can also prove that the set of computable functions is finitely countable. This was quite surprising in the early-mid 20th century, but because of widespread use of computers, it's quite obvious in modern times: think of a computer program - it's stored as a binary file, which is just a bunch of 0s and 1s, so you can look at it as one (gigantic) integer number. For every computation and every program, you can map it to some integer, which means that the number of "kinds of calculations" that a CPU can do is countably infinite. So theoretically, almost all functions aren't computable, i.e. there's no algorithm to describe it.
See also "halting problem" if you're interested in this.
The Turing Machine is supposed to be the most basic, prototypical version of this. It seems very simple to me that I'm having difficulty understanding how this simple machine can do such complex things.
So it can read, write, and store memory, and have a table of instructions on how to interpret the input.
I suppose the magic should be in the table, but reading the wiki page on it is totally alluding me now with all of its esoteric looking symbols.
Can anyone explain this to me like I'm five?
Another surprising result of 1930s was that there were several models of these abstract machines: Turing machines, register machines, lambda calculus etc., and all of them are equivalent.
Yes, the Turing machine may seem a bit esoteric, but think of it this way: all you have to do to prove that say modern x86 CPUs are equivalent to a Turing machine, is to take all x86 instructions one by one and translate them to corresponding Turing machine programs. I remember we did that for register machines which are conceptually quite similar to modern computers. Equivalent here means you can do anything that an x86 CPU can, it has nothing to do with whether it's practical or fast. And this is not that hard once you get the hang of Turing machines, most college exam problems are more difficult than say using Turing machine to do XOR, multiplication, addition, etc.
It's probably not an explanation for a five-year old, but one cannot expect a textbook worth of material to be conveyed in a forum post. There's a reason these things are studied in college, and usually not in the first year or two...
