How do ICU nurses do it?

[Zeze]

Anyone lost their parent(s)? Please pm me. It hurts so much.

 

[Captante]

Over the last several years I lost both my parents.

Dad from prostate cancer that spread to his bones and mom to Alzheimer's complications in a long-term care facility.

Dad's passing was a long time coming so not a shock and although I miss him every day he was suffering and had very little quality of life. Mom on the other hand was a nasty and traumatic surprise ... I learned she died via a voicemail @ 330a while I was at work by myself.

I wish I had some magical gem of knowledge to share that would help ease your suffering but all I can say is keep moving forward. The pain will never go completely away but it DOES fade.

Eventually there will come a day when the memories make you smile.

 

[darkswordsman17]

OP, sorry to hear that. Likewise to Captante, I don't have any magical advice to help deal with it, or even just get through it. Cherish the ones still around, and maybe write out about it in a journal, tell memories, tell your feelings, maybe write things you'd like to tell your kids if you have any what you might want them to know when they're where you're at now?

 

[Red Squirrel]

I honestly don't know how I will cope when I lose my parents. Or even my grandparents on my mom's side as they are still alive and have always been a big part of my life. Lost my grandma on my mom's side years ago and while it was hard I somehow managed to cope ok though so I hope it will be the same with my other grandparents. But my parents, I really don't know how I'll manage. Just the thought of it makes me sad. I just hope that by the time it happens I'll just have a better coping mechanism.

 

[SKORPI0]

Not sure how the doctors and nurses do it. They do their best with present medical technology at their disposal. For sure they've seen their share of death on a daily/weekly basis.
I have Doctors and Nurses in the both sides of the immediate family.

Dad, 82 - June 2005 had to leave the nursing facility that night with my Mom since it was closing. Told him "see you later" and he tried to covey something by not holding my hand tight in his semi conscious state. Got call at about 1 am that he was non-responsive and being rushed to the nearest hospital. Got another call later that he died. Long time smoker from age 14 to 76. Doctors claimed "No Cancer".. About 3 months at various places. Used a ventilator to help his failing lungs.

Mom, 90 - Jan,2014. Fell with a nasty bump on her head on a Saturday morning. Rushed to a hospital, hardy cognitive, sometimes fed herself at the start and mostly sleeping after a month (tube feeding).
3 months being placed from one facility to another, hospitals too. Visiting Aunt (a retired Nurse, Moms younger sister) told me to "let her go, she had a good life". Tracheotomy later on. Of course me and my siblings were hopeful for a recovery. Was told to say our last goodbyes. Relatives/Siblings from out of state visited. Had a room full of family with her when she passed that day. Pics and video taken.

It was very painful and to this day I visit their graves on a weekly basis at the nearby cemetery built 2004.

 

[Geekbabe]

I am so sorry for all of your losses 😢

 

[Denly]

OP sorry for your loss, don't have anything to offer as my parents are still around and I am not close to them - Spend maybe 2mth total with them for the last 30yrs.

 

[MtnMan]

Mom - in 2001 at 86. She and my dad always had a couple of cocktails before supper. She got up to go fix dinner, and he went to the bathroom. Said he heard a noise, and went to see, and she was down in front of the stove. 911, CPR, etc., etc. to no avail. Doc said she was probably dead when she hit the floor. It devastated my dad, they had been married 66 years.

Dad - in 2002 at 89, 9 months after my mom died. He had survived several bouts of cancer, prostate and colon years earlier. The death of his wife sent him into a tail spin, and the prostate cancer returned after 20 years. Basically 9 months of providing care, with in home several days a week, to assisted living, and transition to hospice.

While my mothers' death was a devastating shock due to the suddenness, one has to be thankful she didn't suffer or linger.
Dad's death was torturous for everyone, and when it came it was not a surprise, but in a way welcome in that he was no longer suffering.

They are both buried in the same plot at the state Veteran's Cemetery, about 10 miles away. I've been once or twice usually in conjunction with Memorial Day or Veterans Day. They are not there, they exist only the memories of the living.

I don't want to seem harsh, but life goes on... take the lessons these people provided and move on with your life and enjoy life... that is what any parent wants for their children.

 

[Iron Woode]

The older posters get here the more likely they are to lose a parent.

I lost both parents, each at a different time. It hurt a lot to lose my mom when I was young. It didn't hurt as much to lose my dad due to his lingering health issues. We knew it was coming so it wasn't as big of a shock.

 

[nisryus]

Lost my father 6 years ago due to heart issue. Lost my mother last year due to Covid at her nursing home. (She was healthy like a cow and would ahve been here today, or even lives for many more years. Damn you Covid)

 

[kage69]

Lost my dad in 2013. Sick to my stomach for months. Still can't hear Gordon Lightfoot without crying. Nothing really helps, except time and tears, and it sucks. I'm sorry ZeZe. My recommendations: maybe look into TMS therapy, also to avoid anti-depressants if possible.

Holding onto my mom as best I can, making sure she enjoys her grandchildren as much as possible. Her memory is starting to have issues, and it scares the living hell out of me. My siblings and I have to start getting ready and have certain talks but we're not there yet.



Just. Keep. Breathing.

 

[dingster1]

Lost my mom in 2012 after a prolonged illness. It hurts still on occasion. I just try to remember the good times.

 

[Charmonium]

Anyone lost their parent(s)? Please pm me. It hurts so much.

I'm so sorry. This was a little over 20 years ago. Over a two year period, lost mom and grams, aunt and uncle. I have a lot more "close" relatives in terms of blood. But those 4 were the adults in my life and I was raised by the first two.

As an only child, I was used to being on my own but the depression that often comes with such loses and be very pernicious. Even if it doesn't hurt psychologically, there's still this sucking vortex that consumes any mental or emotional energy that you can squeeze out. You know you're depressed and you can almost feel the weight of it. You know why you're depressed too. Still, even simple things like mailing in a utility bill or making a cup of coffee can feel like trying to climb Mt. Everest.

I've had depression, anxiety, OCD, etc, for as long as I can remember. I always knew that things could always get worse and they did.

If things get really bad, get some help, even if it's just from your GP rather than a psychiatrist. If you're not accustomed to using medical psychotropics like anti-depressants, they really can make a huge difference. At the very least, it should take the edge off the pain until it gradually goes away on its own.

Eventually there will come a day when the memories make you smile.

This so true. Even if you have long standing grievances with your parents, you eventually start to think of them in a more positive light. But those memories can make you even sadder especially if you didn't really appreciate them at the time.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

Anyone lost their parent(s)? Please pm me. It hurts so much.

Dad died in 2006, mom in 2016. I came from a large extended family (grandmother had 11 brothers and sisters) and for the most part, my entire family is gone except a couple of aunts/uncles I haven’t spoken to in decades due to a large family rift, and my two brothers. That’s on my mom’s side. My dad’s entire family is gone. I’m older (51 now), but I still feel too young to have lost everyone.

It really sucks at the holidays (and probably explains why I’m so cranky in the holiday season) because I remember big, epic holidays from a lifetime ago. It sucks all around but as cliche as it sounds, time will eventually heal most wounds.

 

[MtnMan]

Not sure how the doctors and nurses do it. They do their best with present medical technology at their disposal. For sure they've seen their share of death on a daily/weekly basis.

It's not easy, but you have to know you did your best. As a volunteer firefighter for 31 years, I still have images in my head of people that suffered horrible injuries, some that proved fatal. At the moment you focus on doing everything your training and abilities provide. The reality is some are going to die, too often right in front of you.

I have seen and had to do things I don't talk about to anyone outside emergency services. My wife has never known what went down, and I'll never tell her. People might ask "why" do you do this... and that is simple, for those you are able to intervene at the absolute worst moment in their life, and survive to continue their life.

My daughter and now my grandsons know all too well these feelings. My daughter was a firefighter/EMT for 10 years, and both grandsons are now professional firefighter/EMTs, one of which is on shift today.

The fire service and EMS provide councilors today to help people deal with the consequence on first responders of a traumatic incident.

 

[darkswordsman17]

How are you doing, Zeze?

 

[BurnItDwn]

Im late to the thread, Zeze, so sorry about your loss! Cancer took my mom in 2020, It was the worst loss i've ever felt. Only thing close was when my grandfather passed around 15 years before. I miss them dearly, but, for me, life goes on. There are still some good days.

 

[Meghan54]

Not sure how the doctors and nurses do it.

If you ever happen to hear some nurses cracking jokes in situations that appear to be quite unfunny, such as during a Code Blue (heart attack emerg.) or some such situation, please don't jump to the conclusion that they're being heartless and have no empathy.

The truth is they're doing that to cope with the never-ending and ongoing stress of having everyone wanting something from them and little in return. Having to deal with death daily, along with unfulfilled (sometimes unrealistic) expectations of patients and family, headstrong patients that "know better", and all the rest.....it tends to burn one out.

That's kinda what happened to me.....if it wasn't for ulcerative colitis calling me to quit active bedside ICU/ER nursing, it'd have been burnout. You can only do it for so long......try keeping a 10 minute old, 20 week prematurely born child alive until the Neonatal Critical transport arrives (it was an hour away....we weren't successful, sadly), or doing open chest heart massage in a vain attempt to restart it (drastic and didn't work, sadly), or sit next to a pt. in ICU while he dies....and family was away because reasons.....sad.

One can only carry that weight for so long until it takes a toll that is never cured or repaid/refilled.

And this doesn't even come close to addressing the contempt some MD's have for RN's, esp. male RN's, or even worse, some MD's seem to "pity" us dumb male RN's because why would anyone be a nurse when one can be an MD?

And on and on.....the work is hard, dirty, and very physical...not to mention potentially dangerous (moreso now than when I practiced.)

 

[Sonikku]

How do ICU nurses do it?

They aren't. They're quitting and retiring left and right.

 

[Kaido]

They aren't. They're quitting and retiring left and right.

My friend got promoted from an elderly care nurse to head COVID nurse at her hospital. Went from a few people dying on her a year (due to age) to people dying on her every day. She's pretty wrecked.

 

[Captante]

My friend got promoted from an elderly care nurse to head COVID nurse at her hospital. Went from a few people dying on her a year (due to age) to people dying on her every day. She's pretty wrecked.

I have several friends who work at Yale New Haven hospital and they're in the same boat .... all four are seriously considering leaving. (and Yale pays well with great benefits)

 

[Kaido]

I have several friends who work at Yale New Haven hospital and they're in the same boat .... all four are seriously considering leaving. (and Yale pays well with great benefits)

It's a war of attrition:

1. COVID isn't going away
2. There's not enough staff, so workers are getting overloaded & burned out
3. The "cure" (vaccine) exists, but many people are choosing not to take it & are ending up in ICU. She said that nearly all of the people she intubates are unvaccinated these days.

Looks like things are starting to pick up again hospitalization-wise:

State announces urgent action to boost hospital capacity, address staff shortages - Mid Hudson News

ALBANY – Governor Kathy Hochul announced urgent action to boost hospital capacity and address staffing shortages ahead of potential spikes in COVID-19 cases this upcoming winter. Through an executive order signed by the governor, the Department of Health will be allowed to limit non-essential...

midhudsonnews.com

I don't know what the future holds, but I'm grateful for all of the people working on the front lines of this, can't be easy!

 

[Captante]

It's a war of attrition:

1. COVID isn't going away
2. There's not enough staff, so workers are getting overloaded & burned out
3. The "cure" (vaccine) exists, but many people are choosing not to take it & are ending up in ICU. She said that nearly all of the people she intubates are unvaccinated these days.

Looks like things are starting to pick up again hospitalization-wise:

State announces urgent action to boost hospital capacity, address staff shortages - Mid Hudson News

ALBANY – Governor Kathy Hochul announced urgent action to boost hospital capacity and address staffing shortages ahead of potential spikes in COVID-19 cases this upcoming winter. Through an executive order signed by the governor, the Department of Health will be allowed to limit non-essential...

midhudsonnews.com

I don't know what the future holds, but I'm grateful for all of the people working on the front lines of this, can't be easy!

And we're in a highly vaxxed part of the country too.

 

[Sonikku]

It's such a vicious cycle. The more people get burned out and leave, the more of a load falls onto fewer shoulders who then, in turn, become burned out even faster and leave themselves. Antivaxxers are killing our healthcare system with their selfishness and stupidity.