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How about some relationship advice for a newbie?

I

imported_Mongo

Junior Member
Newbie to this forum that is. I'm a regular over at DVDtalk, but the subject of this email knows that, and I'd prefer her not to read this right now. 🙂

Background--I've been seeing this chick since Jan. of 2002, not long after I moved back down to TX. I love her, but...I'm still not IN love with her. As in I care about her and what happens to her, etc, but I really don't feel any "chemistry." To me she's more like a really good friend that I get to f--k too. Other that that, she's almost the perfect example of what I'd consider "marriage material" whatever that means. But, no matter how hard I try, I'm just not IN love with her.

Now there's a chance I'll be going to college in New York (6 year program) next year instead of going to school here in TX. This weekend she asked me if I was going to stay "with" her during that time, or break up with her if and when I do go out of state instead of maintaining a long distance relationship.

(I'm 32 by the way, school is due to mid-life career change necessary due to medical condition that prevents me from continuing in previous job. She's 35)

THEN, she went on... She knows I have every intention of moving to Maine basically as soon as possible. Well, she wants to know if after I finish school, would I be willing to come back to this area to live for a few years until her father passes away, because she doesn't want/can't leave him alone.

So she's asking me to make decisions for not just a year from now, but also for 7 years from now.

Am I just leading her on? Would the best thing to do be to just cut the relationship off now and hope we can remain friends, or try for another year to hope I start feeling the so-called chemistry?

Oh, I'm pretty sure it's not just my total lack of emotion. I've definitely been in love before, and I know the feeling. I've had "minor" buildings of that feeling in far far shorter relationships. IN
 
the best thing to do NOW, is to end things with her. its going to get worse down the road and you dont want to be "stuck" with her
 
Just break up with her.

1) After 2 and half years, if you're not in love with her, you probably never will be.
2) The chances of a relationship surviving as long-distance for 6 years is about 1/10,000,000. The chance of this realtionship, where you're not in love, surviving long distance for 6 years is about 1/100,000,000.
3) Think of all the single women you'll meet in New York.
 
Originally posted by: neutralizer
Welcome to the forums.

Why are you still with her if you're not in love with her?
Click to expand...

Well, because I do love her, but more in a "really good friend way"

And well, I'm a pig, and at least I'm getting sex...
 
If you don't KNOW after 2.5 years, well, there's your answer. If it's right, it's right. You know it. And I'm not talking about that "in love" crap, that's just hormones. I mean that you just can't see your life without her.
 
This 'realtionship' is pretty much over already.

I would not say you are leading her on, unless you are making promises that yo have no intention on keeping. Or if you are just not telling her the truth so you can still be with her whenever you want.

Just be honest... and, I know, it is VERY hard to tell someone that you love them but are not in love with them. But you need to do it. It is really a sucky thing to do to not tell her. She deserves the truth and the opportunity to find someone who will be in love with her.

It is clear that you have no intentions on having a lasting realtionship with her. There is no acceptable reasoning not to tell her so.

Good luck and welcome to the boards.

🙂
 
Originally posted by: KarenMarie
This 'realtionship' is pretty much over already.

I would not say you are leading her on, unless you are making promises that yo have no intention on keeping. Or if you are just not telling her the truth so you can still be with her whenever you want.

Just be honest... and, I know, it is VERY hard to tell someone that you love them but are not in love with them. But you need to do it. It is really a sucky thing to do to not tell her. She deserves the truth and the opportunity to find someone who will be in love with her.

It is clear that you have no intentions on having a lasting realtionship with her. There is no acceptable reasoning not to tell her so.

Good luck and welcome to the boards.

🙂
Click to expand...


Oh, well, I should clarify something I guess...

I can see myself being happy with her in the long term. I do love her, we're very compatable, and I've never met a woman whom I trusted more. I would never be worried about her divorcing me and taking 1/2 of everything, etc. She's got property she'll inherit, and would never try to cheat me out of my inheritance (by which I mean the "family farm" that's been in the family for 200 years, not $)

I guess what I'm saying is I really wish I DID feel some chemistry, because other than that fact, she's perfect. But I've never once had that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling, I've gone a couple of months at a time without seeing her with no longings (except for sex) etc.
 
break it up now. so u can still be friends with her...having a friend that you love is hard to find.
 
Originally posted by: Mongo
Originally posted by: KarenMarie
This 'realtionship' is pretty much over already.

I would not say you are leading her on, unless you are making promises that yo have no intention on keeping. Or if you are just not telling her the truth so you can still be with her whenever you want.

Just be honest... and, I know, it is VERY hard to tell someone that you love them but are not in love with them. But you need to do it. It is really a sucky thing to do to not tell her. She deserves the truth and the opportunity to find someone who will be in love with her.

It is clear that you have no intentions on having a lasting realtionship with her. There is no acceptable reasoning not to tell her so.

Good luck and welcome to the boards.

🙂
Click to expand...


Oh, well, I should clarify something I guess...

I can see myself being happy with her in the long term. I do love her, we're very compatable, and I've never met a woman whom I trusted more. I would never be worried about her divorcing me and taking 1/2 of everything, etc. She's got property she'll inherit, and would never try to cheat me out of my inheritance (by which I mean the "family farm" that's been in the family for 200 years, not $)

I guess what I'm saying is I really wish I DID feel some chemistry, because other than that fact, she's perfect. But I've never once had that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling, I've gone a couple of months at a time without seeing her with no longings (except for sex) etc.
Click to expand...

I will probably get flamed for this, but...

Sometimes in life things are a trade off. The feeling of safety, respect and compatability are sometimes exchanged for the 'roller coaster' feelings of being in love. It is my experience that luckiest people have both, but it is very rare. Oft times people start out "in love" and then grow into the feelings that you have now. You need to decide if the trade off is worth it for you, or if you want to explore the future... hoping you will find both somewhere later on.

There is no crime in marrying or settling down with someone you are not 'in' love with. That can grow. As long as you are honest with youself and dont have any expectations of her that are unrealistic. But you need to be honest with yourself and with her. My guess is that if you tell her that you love her and are not in love with her, she will probably bolt. But she deserves to have the option to decide on whether she will stay with you or find someone who will be in love with her.

I gotta ask though... have you ever been 'in' love?
🙂
 
Originally posted by: KarenMarie

I gotta ask though... have you ever been 'in' love?
🙂
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's how I know something is missing. And, I've felt the "twinges" of that feeling with other women in much much shorter amounts of time.
 
Originally posted by: Mongo
Originally posted by: KarenMarie

I gotta ask though... have you ever been 'in' love?
🙂
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's how I know something is missing. And, I've felt the "twinges" of that feeling with other women in much much shorter amounts of time.
Click to expand...

Well, if that is the case... chances are that you are never gonna be 'in' love with her.

Is that okay with you? Can you spend the rest of your life with someone that you love and are not in love with? For me, personally... the b/f has been 'in' love with me from day 1. The first time he met me. 5yrs later and he is still 'in' love with me. I started out in lust with him and it has grown into the best relationship that I have ever had. Trust, respect, caring compatability. For me, however, the past has brought me.. 'in' love came with drama and bullsh!t and hurt. So I am not sure if I am capable of the 'in' love I felt when I was young. But that is fine with me, cause I have learned a level of trust and openess that I never ever thought possible. And a love that is so deep and enduring, that I would NEVER EVER trade it for the 'in' love I have ever known in the past.

But that is for me... I guess it is up to each individual to determine what makes a perfect paring for them in a 'forever' situation.

How would she react if she knew that you love her but where not 'in' love with her?

🙂
 
Originally posted by: Mongo
Originally posted by: neutralizer
Welcome to the forums.

Why are you still with her if you're not in love with her?
Click to expand...

Well, because I do love her, but more in a "really good friend way"

And well, I'm a pig, and at least I'm getting sex...
Click to expand...

She's 35 yrs old,she's straight out asked you your intentions, be a man and set her straight so she can go out and find somebody before she's too old to have children.
 
What do you want to do?

Also, just how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
 
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