Just back from work (I work in a pub) had some annoying customers and found this on the net. Explains exactly how i feel right now!!
Totally off the record... I have totally unlimited resources at my disposal 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
I always keep at least ten extra guest rooms under my desk as it is policy here to automatically make extra room reservations and tee off times etc, for any of your board of directors who may or may not decide to appear after you have signed and returned our contract.
I can make any of our meeting rooms larger or smaller, depending on your needs on any given day. I will naturally remove any supporting walls or pillars from your meeting space and will install additional windows in each room upon request. The "Ocean View" is not scheduled to appear until the second day of your programme. I sincerely apologize for being so unsympathetic towards your delegates' needs. We will of course move the hotel twenty-five feet to the left to accommodate your request by the end of today's session.
I can only throw myself at your mercy and grovel at your feet. I completely agree that it is inconceivable that we should have any other guests let alone groups booked into our hotel during your programme. The additional breakout rooms you said were essential this morning should be built no later than Wednesday.
Of course it is not a problem to turn your preliminary session for 600 people classroom style, into a hollow square for 150 with rear projection, simultaneous Japanese translation and satellite hook up during your 15 minute coffee break. Unfortunately due to space constraints and that fact that your final programme bears no resemblance whatsoever to your initial contacted space, we will have to suspend your buffet lunch above your preliminary session and then suck the gravity out of the ballroom.
We have located the boxes you sent last month under your mother's maiden name to a hotel of the same name as ours some 400 miles away; again I cannot apologize enough and agree it was total incompetence on our part for not having found them sooner.
In answer to your question it is of course understood that I am telepathically aware of all your speakers' dietary and sexual requirements. We will of course set up two overhead and two slide projectors, an LCD panel, four screens with laser pointers, podium with two microphones, 6 aisle mics, a head table, red and blue M & Ms at every delegates' place at no extra charge just in case you may need them.
We will automatically adjust the temperature in each room every 15 minutes. In addition it goes without saying that two audio visual technicians, an engineer, the man who cleans the pool, four wait staff, a handful of baby sitters and of course myself will be on hand underneath your head table for the duration of your event just in case you require any further assistance.
It has been an absolute pleasure working with you and look forward to your next event with us.
Totally off the record... I have totally unlimited resources at my disposal 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
I always keep at least ten extra guest rooms under my desk as it is policy here to automatically make extra room reservations and tee off times etc, for any of your board of directors who may or may not decide to appear after you have signed and returned our contract.
I can make any of our meeting rooms larger or smaller, depending on your needs on any given day. I will naturally remove any supporting walls or pillars from your meeting space and will install additional windows in each room upon request. The "Ocean View" is not scheduled to appear until the second day of your programme. I sincerely apologize for being so unsympathetic towards your delegates' needs. We will of course move the hotel twenty-five feet to the left to accommodate your request by the end of today's session.
I can only throw myself at your mercy and grovel at your feet. I completely agree that it is inconceivable that we should have any other guests let alone groups booked into our hotel during your programme. The additional breakout rooms you said were essential this morning should be built no later than Wednesday.
Of course it is not a problem to turn your preliminary session for 600 people classroom style, into a hollow square for 150 with rear projection, simultaneous Japanese translation and satellite hook up during your 15 minute coffee break. Unfortunately due to space constraints and that fact that your final programme bears no resemblance whatsoever to your initial contacted space, we will have to suspend your buffet lunch above your preliminary session and then suck the gravity out of the ballroom.
We have located the boxes you sent last month under your mother's maiden name to a hotel of the same name as ours some 400 miles away; again I cannot apologize enough and agree it was total incompetence on our part for not having found them sooner.
In answer to your question it is of course understood that I am telepathically aware of all your speakers' dietary and sexual requirements. We will of course set up two overhead and two slide projectors, an LCD panel, four screens with laser pointers, podium with two microphones, 6 aisle mics, a head table, red and blue M & Ms at every delegates' place at no extra charge just in case you may need them.
We will automatically adjust the temperature in each room every 15 minutes. In addition it goes without saying that two audio visual technicians, an engineer, the man who cleans the pool, four wait staff, a handful of baby sitters and of course myself will be on hand underneath your head table for the duration of your event just in case you require any further assistance.
It has been an absolute pleasure working with you and look forward to your next event with us.
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