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Hoping to Submit College Applications Tmr

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I'd scrap the eBay essay unless you can make it more appealing. It just didn't interest me at all and if I was an admissions officer, you wouldn't stand out at all. In addition, your essays aren't very literary. They aren't terribly written nor are they extremely well written. Try to make your writing stand out more...express your voice. Your diction in the first essay gives it the appearance of a research paper in some parts. The second essay is much better in this matter. The first essay seemed didn't sound as emotionally involved as I would have expected. The introduction on that eBay one is also suspect. Just re-write it or scrap it.

In addition, I think you might be trying to force your essays too much. Let the words flow freely and don't attempt to write your essay at once. Continue to think about your topic while you're showering, eating, etc. You'll eventually have a finished product that you will be proud of.

BTW, if you like your essays keep them. My teachers disliked my college essays yet I got into every college I applied to except Harvard. I felt that they expressed me and that if that college didn't like what they read, they didn't like me; thus, I figured they could go fvck themselves if they rejected me 😉. If you like them, submit them.

I read them quickly, but I'll post some more stuff about it tomorrow.
 
Originally posted by: wkabel23
I'd scrap the eBay essay unless you can make it more appealing. It just didn't interest me at all and if I was an admissions officer, you wouldn't stand out at all. In addition, your essays aren't very literary. They aren't terribly written nor are they extremely well written. Try to make your writing stand out more...express your voice. Your diction in the first essay gives it the appearance of a research paper in some parts. The second essay is much better in this matter. The first essay seemed didn't sound as emotionally involved as I would have expected. The introduction on that eBay one is also suspect. Just re-write it or scrap it.

In addition, I think you might be trying to force your essays too much. Let the words flow freely and don't attempt to write your essay at once. Continue to think about your topic while you're showering, eating, etc. You'll eventually have a finished product that you will be proud of.

BTW, if you like your essays keep them. My teachers disliked my college essays yet I got into every college I applied to except Harvard. I felt that they expressed me and that if that college didn't like what they read, they didn't like me; thus, I figured they could go fvck themselves if they rejected me 😉. If you like them, submit them.

I read them quickly, but I'll post some more stuff about it tomorrow.
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I agree that my first essay is not all that appealing. But I did think my second one wasn't all that bad. thanks for your advice 🙂 May I ask what you wrote about for your essays?
 
So let me get this straight... your inability to speak in school was "cured" by going to a different school? So it was all in your head? I'd leave that out, you don't want them thinking you're unstable. If I'm wrong, give more detail, because that's the way it reads.
 
I have 9% body fat, and I eat about 3500 calories a day
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9% body fat is low, bad. You should have 12-18. You eat too much, why do you eat that much?

You're just trying to show off '65,000 in 1 year'... OK.
 
Originally posted by: insolence
I have 9% body fat, and I eat about 3500 calories a day
Click to expand...

9% body fat is low, bad. You should have 12-18. You eat too much, why do you eat that much?

You're just trying to show off '65,000 in 1 year'... OK.
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No, 9% body fat isn't bad. I'm in a cutting phase at the moment (Not bulking this year).

Oh, also, no, I'm not trying to show off 65,000 in one year. I mentioned it to my prospective universities because it showed why I'd be a good candidate for business school.
 
Honestly.... you need more work. Your story isn't really unique and doesn't distinguish yourself from other applicants. Also.... it was a bit dry. After reading a little bit of it I lost interest in reading the rest (though I did finish reading it)

The second essay is pretty weak... it could be a lot better if you elaborate more - but first look at the prompt. You don't really go into how you would bring that to college and how going to college would affect it, etc.
 
Originally posted by: Qosis
Originally posted by: insolence
I have 9% body fat, and I eat about 3500 calories a day
Click to expand...

9% body fat is low, bad. You should have 12-18. You eat too much, why do you eat that much?

You're just trying to show off '65,000 in 1 year'... OK.
Click to expand...


No, 9% body fat isn't bad. I'm in a cutting phase at the moment (Not bulking this year).

Oh, also, no, I'm not trying to show off 65,000 in one year. I mentioned it to my prospective universities because it showed why I'd be a good candidate for business school.
Click to expand...

I think he meant there was no point to mentioning it here.
 
Originally posted by: HermDogg
Heh Qosis is mean but hilarious and biting with his insults.
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And people should appreciate him for what he says.

Who cares if he's mean. You ask for someone's opinion, not some BS "it's great" response that is all too common.

If something sucks, I want you to tell me it sucks and why it sucks. Which is exactly what he does.

A :cookie: for Qosis and a :beer: for me 🙂
 
Originally posted by: victoria116
Originally posted by: Mo0o
What colleges have you applied to and what are you grades/ECs?
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Planning to apply to most of the UCs except Merced and Santa Cruz.
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Well if your grades at above 3.5 unweighted , 1400+ SAT and some EC you're probably a shoe-in for all of them except for Berkley. I think in the end the essay isn't that big of a factor, it all depends on your grades and how youve done in the last 4 years. Unless of course you had cancer and was deployed to iraq due to a beaurocractic mistake and that is why your grades aren't where thye shoudl be.
 
Originally posted by: Mo0o
Originally posted by: victoria116
Originally posted by: Mo0o
What colleges have you applied to and what are you grades/ECs?
Click to expand...

Planning to apply to most of the UCs except Merced and Santa Cruz.
Click to expand...

Well if your grades at above 3.5 unweighted , 1400+ SAT and some EC you're probably a shoe-in for all of them except for Berkley. I think in the end the essay isn't that big of a factor, it all depends on your grades and how youve done in the last 4 years. Unless of course you had cancer and was deployed to iraq due to a beaurocractic mistake and that is why your grades aren't where thye shoudl be.
Click to expand...

I have a 4.0 weighted, 3.63 unweighted, 1250 SAT, my SAt 2s aren't stellar, and I do't have very many ECs = /
 
Originally posted by: victoria116
Originally posted by: Mo0o
Originally posted by: victoria116
Originally posted by: Mo0o
What colleges have you applied to and what are you grades/ECs?
Click to expand...

Planning to apply to most of the UCs except Merced and Santa Cruz.
Click to expand...

Well if your grades at above 3.5 unweighted , 1400+ SAT and some EC you're probably a shoe-in for all of them except for Berkley. I think in the end the essay isn't that big of a factor, it all depends on your grades and how youve done in the last 4 years. Unless of course you had cancer and was deployed to iraq due to a beaurocractic mistake and that is why your grades aren't where thye shoudl be.
Click to expand...

I have a 4.0 weighted, 3.63 unweighted, 1250 SAT, my SAt 2s aren't stellar, and I do't have very many ECs = /
Click to expand...

Hmm that could get rough. But hey, the weather is nice in SD
 
my goal is to submit my application in the next 5 hours or so before I go to bed. So if anyone wants to make any last suggestions or read my essay, let me know.
 
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