Hi, my name is Tom Cruise. I belong to a cult called Scientology. I have OT7 super powers. I can fly around and move stuff with my mind. It is my quest and life goal to promote this evil cult to young children who look up to me and don't know any better. I am trying to ruin as many lives as possible. My god L. Ron Hubbard would only expect that of his zombie followers like myself.
My cult gets a bad wrap in the media because we take all your money and a lot of people have ended up dead. I believe it's up to me to do something about changing our bad image. That's why I am changing the name of Scientology to Scientomogy. It's Scientology, except with my name in the middle of it. It's kind of like the word gummy bears. Bears by themselves are scary, but if you just ad the word gummy to it, it now becomes a fun enjoyable treat. So now if you were afraid of aliens and brainwashing dangerous cults like Scientology before, you can now join Scientomogy with no worries.
Kids, don't ask your parents before joining scientomogy. Your parents are glib. I'm Tom Cruise. I was in Top Gun. I am also the smartest human robot on the face of this miserable planet I like to refer to as teegack.