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Help with my Research paper ::UPDATED::

K

kozman31

Member
I have a research paper due next week and I have it already written for the most part. What I could use is some advice to make it better, so all criticism is welcome. The prompt was "What was a person, event, ect. that influenced American society in the past or present". Any input would be glady accepted.

Paper on my website
Paper in a .DOC file

<edit> Alright, I took your advice and added some more info and tried to tie it all together more. I still have the same quote at the end but I'm not sure whether it works with the revised paper or not. The files have been updated on the site so just click the links above to read the newer version. It's due tommorow afternoon so any more advice will be greatly appreciated</edit>
 
Hmmm.

Well, if I were you, I would try to hammer home the 'influence on American society' part. You mention it at the start, but I didn't see it dealt with anywhere else.

Furthermore, it seems to me that your argument that the CIA had a profound impact is a stretch. I am sure you could make some sort of argument, but would probably be difficult to patch up all the holes. In my opinion, you would be better off chosing a different topic. My choice would probably be FDR.

Good luck.
 
Try rewording the first paragraph, sounds too simplistic.

Try this:

Over the last 50 years, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) has had a significant effect on the lives of the average American. The results of these activities are not well known to the American public despite its profound effects on their everyday lives. While the CIA is known for collecting intelligence on other nations and foreign affairs, the CIA's activities has had a nearly equivalent effect upon the citizens of the United States. The activities range from drug experiments performed on the public, involvements with drug smuggling, and several covert operations conducted within the US.

 
Originally posted by: JACKHAMMER
Is this a HS or college paper?
Click to expand...

It's a hs paper, and it's short because I wrote it in about 4 hours while doing other stuff. I plan on making it longer. I used profound a lot because it stuck out in my mind and in my haste to finish it so I could hand in the "rough draft" I just used it. Thanks for the suggestions, keep 'em coming.
 
Here are a few more suggestions:

You use the following phrase: "The Boeings then proceed to fly towards the US and dumps the cargo of drugs off the shore and the drugs get picked up by boat and brought into the states that way ".

In my opinion, for formal communication, the word "get" is primitive. Try something else.

Also reference sources for your paper in a bibliography. You can really make a good impression on your teacher by using footnotes and endnotes.

<edit>I just looked at the html page before closing it out. You did in fact put down endnotes. I recommend footnotes instead.</edit>
 
It needs a bit more 'sack'. What I mean is you haven't really substantiated the claim that the cia has a profound impact on the american public. The drug testing thing is great, and certainly helps the argument, but the drug smuggling thing doesn't sound well supported, and it isn't clear how this directly impacts the domestic population.

Also, if you choose to keep the drug smuggling aspect intact, I would suggest using paranthesies in the following bit: (which is also partially owned by former President George Bush). A comma sounds a bit more like you're a conspiracy therorist (and so really requires a bit more depth to pull off), rather than allowing the reader to draw his own conclusions from the fact.

The paper seems like it has some spirit, but a lot of it seems to be unrelated assertions that haven't been all that well strung together. Eg:

Ralph McGehee, who worked for the CIA for 25 years before retiring, hit the nail on the head when he said that: The CIA is not now nor has it ever been a central intelligence agency. It is the covert action arm of the President's foreign policy advisers.

This is all very good, but it isn't really tied closely to your thesis.

If I were you, I'd nix the smuggling bit, get some additional sources, and tie the quote in a little bit more. You might even consider changing your thesis to more aptly fit the quote (which is stylistically powerfull). This would also relieve you of the duty of proving the "huge impact" on the local american population.

[edit]

actually I like that idea. you could give this paper some real power if you focus on the de facto purpose of the CIA versus its stated purpose. There's no need to really get into a timeline of change (as this will require volumes of sources). Tie the examples together with a strong thesis that states precisely how it deviates from its official function.

Good luck-


 
c'mon people, I could use the help. This paper will either make or break my grade, so dig down deep and contribute something wonderful.😀 And disregard SWirth, he didn't even read the paper, he was sitting next to me when he posted his wonderful insights.😛
 
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