Help me "take care" of my wife's cat

[Sho'Nuff]

This is going to sound heartless and mean, but I am in need of creative ideas to "encourage" my wife's cat to skidaddle.

I am normally a huge fan of cats, but this particular animal is driving me nuts. We have owned the cat for 15 years - over which the animal has let me touch it roughly 5 times. When I do manage to pick her up, she tenses up like a guitar string until I put her down, after which she shudders as though she was defiled by something nasty. Over the past year or so, she has also taken up the very annoying habit of shitting on our basement carpet and in our kids bathtub, rather than the perfectly clean cat pan that is maintained for her (yes, we have tried different litter). Every time she does this she feels the need to announce the deed with the most annoying sound of all time. Sounds almost exactly like this cat, but a LOT louder.

The cat visibly hates everyone and everything in my house, with the exception of my wife - whom the cat wakes up at 2AM every night for attention. And let me tell you - THAT is the gift that keeps on giving - because just about every day I have to listen to my wife complain about how tired she is because the cat interrupted her 11 hour nightly hibernation for all of ten minutes.

I've tried leaving the door open, putting food outside, yelling at the cat to chase the f'ing chipmunks, voles, and myriad other critters outside my house - all to no avail. My kids have even done me the favor of leaving the front door accidentally open for entire days at a time. But does the little pain in the butt take the hint? Nope! There she is, sitting on my front porch every time I get home - with the door wide open behind her and a smug "f you I ain't leavin/bitchy resting face" on her mug.

Don't get me wrong - I don't wish mortal harm on the cat. But I really, really, REALLY wouldn't mind if it would finally decide to up and leave.

Too bad I can't just pee on the cat to get it to leave. That worked pretty well on the ground hog in my backyard this year.

Sorry, OP, but a thread that solicits ways to "get rid" of a pet only encourages the kind of responses that cross the line, even for OT.

Perknose
Forum Director

 

[Paratus]

This is going to sound heartless and mean, but I am in need of creative ideas to "encourage" my wife's cat to skidaddle.

I am normally a huge fan of cats, but this particular animal is driving me nuts. We have owned the cat for 15 years - over which the animal has let me touch it roughly 5 times. When I do manage to pick her up, she tenses up like a guitar string until I put her down, after which she shudders as though she was defiled by something nasty. Over the past year or so, she has also taken up the very annoying habit of shitting on our basement carpet and in our kids bathtub, rather than the perfectly clean cat pan that is maintained for her (yes, we have tried different litter). Every time she does this she feels the need to announce the deed with the most annoying sound of all time. Sounds almost exactly like this cat, but a LOT louder.

The cat visibly hates everyone and everything in my house, with the exception of my wife - whom the cat wakes up at 2AM every night for attention. And let me tell you - THAT is the gift that keeps on giving - because just about every day I have to listen to my wife complain about how tired she is because the cat interrupted her 11 hour nightly hibernation for all of ten minutes.

I've tried leaving the door open, putting food outside, yelling at the cat to chase the f'ing chipmunks, voles, and myriad other critters outside my house - all to no avail. My kids have even done me the favor of leaving the front door accidentally open for entire days at a time. But does the little pain in the butt take the hint? Nope! There she is, sitting on my front porch every time I get home - with the door wide open behind her and a smug "f you I ain't leavin/bitchy resting face" on her mug.

Don't get me wrong - I don't wish mortal harm on the cat. But I really, really, REALLY wouldn't mind if it would finally decide to up and leave.

Too bad I can't just pee on the cat to get it to leave. That worked pretty well on the ground hog in my backyard this year.

Talk about burying the lede!

 

[esquared]

Have you taken the cat to the vet?
Maybe there's something physically wrong with him/her.

 

[whm1974]

I had once a cat that wasn't too friendly, had a a habit of scratching me half the time I petted her. I let her outside one day and when I opened the door hours later, she wouldn't come back in and found her dead on the sidewalk.

Sad to say I really don't miss that cat at all.

 

[esquared]

I adopted two adult cats from the shelter nearly 6 years ago. They came as a pair, which was fine. They trusted at least, each other.
I don't know if they were abused or originally feral, but the male was somewhat friendly to me after only 3 years. The female
still doesn't like me much, but "allows" me to pet her when I give her these tartar control cat snacks.

 

[KillerCharlie]

I have my friend's cat for a few months while he's selling his house and moving. The cat comes right up to me and demands belly rubs, I've never seen that in a cat. I can do whatever I want to the cat and it doesn't care.

I've had many cats growing up and 50% of them were complete jerks. I doubt there's anything physically wrong with your, a lot of cats just suck. I would get my own cat but it's like playing the lottery.

 

[shortylickens]

this thread will not end well.

 

[whm1974]

Maybe the OP should starting feeding the cat outside and just don't let it back inside.

 

[edcoolio]

I realize that this is an open public forum, but I want to apologize for this in advance, and it needs to be said.

Maybe, just maybe, the issue is with more with your wife than the animal.

If not, then two words for you: Old Yeller

Not funny, and not acceptable.

Perknose
Forum Director

 

[BD231]

Ur cat doesn't care about u but sleeps with ur wife !? I should like to meet this cat.

 

[Crono]

this thread will not end well.

 

[pcgeek11]

Take the cat to the shelter and lie about it.

Cat? Nope, I haven't seen it all day.

 

[lxskllr]

It's an old cat. Just deal with it til it's dead. I think the world record is 38 years, so at worst, you'll only have it another 18 years :^D

Cats are assholes. That's what makes them interesting. Little strong willed pain machines. A real man's pet.

 

[John Connor]

We have owned the cat for 15 years

That's about the lifespan of a cat. It you're lucky the cat will be dead next year. But I've heard cats living for 20 years too. LOL!

Was this cat a stray? Usually with behavior like that they must have had a shitty upbringing. So now it's psychologically fucked in the head. I have a cat that was a stray that acts very paranoid all the time. It's not often I can pet the damn thing.

Too bad I can't just pee on the cat to get it to leave. That worked pretty well on the ground hog in my backyard this year.

You pissed on a ground hog? You must pull it out as fast as a cowboy pulls out his pistol at sundown in a gun fight!

 

[John Connor]

the cat comes right up to me and demands belly rubs, I've never seen that in a cat.

I have a cat that plays fetch! I shit you not. He's lost all of his toy balls, so I'd video it. You can throw the ball and he will bring it back to you in his mouth and plop it down at your feet. He especially likes it when you throw the ball on the tile floor and he can slide across it to get the ball.

I also have a box in the kitchen. When he is constantly pestering me for kitty snacks (damn things are addicting) I tell him to get in his box and he does. Craziest damn cat I've ever seen. I think he's part dog. They all seem to have their own personality.