Help me promote synergy like a boss.

[slugg]

Corporate-speak makes me LOL, but I'm terrible at it. I seem to be immune to bullshit, so I don't take it in much.

However...

To play a prank on my boss (who is a cool guy), I would like to learn the art of saying many vague, big words that mean absolutely nothing and serve only to dumbfound an audience. Is there a Hooked-on-Corporate-Phonics course? Maybe a Rosetta Stone or something?

In this competitive landscape, it's imperative not to undermine the promotion of synergy during the market's climate. We need to follow through with our due diligence. Blah blah blah...

^^ This is the kind of crap I'm talking about.

Help me, ATOT. You're my only hope.

 

[blackdogdeek]

Just google: Buzzword Bingo

 

[mmntech]

So you need help to break through the clutter and take a holistic approach to seamlessly integrate buzzwords into annoying your boss. Well here at ATOT, it's part of our DNA. Lets tee off this discussion to help empower Slugg with some sustainable jokes. First you'll want to leverage the low hanging fruit. In a hyperglobalized world, there are many lists of buzzwords online. Synergize with Google to find them. Then get creative. Think outside the box. After all, this is mission critical here. You want a good return on investment. Just make sure you have an exit strategy if things push the envelope. Touch base with us when you're done the prank to let us know how it goes.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_buzzwords

 

[OCGuy]

shit on Deborah's desk

swallow sadness

 

[slugg]

Touch base with us when you're done the prank to let us know how it goes.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_buzzwords

I plagiarized you and used this:

We need help to break through the clutter and take a holisitc approach to seamlessly align our efforts for maximum stability; it's part of our DNA. Let's tee off t his discussion to help empower our team with a sustainable strategy. First, we'll want to leverage the low-hanging fruit. In a hyperglobalized world, there is a number of opportunities to bring to the table. We need to synergize and get creative; think outside the box. At the end of the day, we still need to calibrate our expectations in this competitive landscape. After all, this is mission-critical, here. We just need to make sure we have a robust exit strategy if things push the envelope. Touch base with us when you're ready to take the logical next step...

I'll be sure to follow-up.

 

[Kadarin]

I had a job a while back where one of the marketing VPs busted out with "we seek out natural market magnetisms"

I was impressed.

 

[Printer Bandit]

either you talk like a CEO or you don't.

it's a talent your born with and and can't be learned.

 

[skimple]

Drop this in a meeting at the appropriate time and watch the panic.

"How does this help us improve our Diversity metrics?"

 

[zinfamous]

So you need help to break through the clutter and take a holistic approach to seamlessly integrate buzzwords into annoying your boss. Well here at ATOT, it's part of our DNA. Lets tee off this discussion to help empower Slugg with some sustainable jokes. First you'll want to leverage the low hanging fruit. In a hyperglobalized world, there are many lists of buzzwords online. Synergize with Google to find them. Then get creative. Think outside the box. After all, this is mission critical here. You want a good return on investment. Just make sure you have an exit strategy if things push the envelope. Touch base with us when you're done the prank to let us know how it goes.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_buzzwords

mixing nothing-speak with a disturbing overuse of metaphor = win!

:thumbsup:

 

[HN]

either you talk like a CEO or you don't.

it's a talent your born with and and can't be learned.

no. all you need to do is expand your vocabulary beyond your subordinates. that can definitely be learned.

 

[KB]

Use a buzzword generator. There are tons of them

http://www.outofservice.com/buzzword/

parallel strict variable
integrated organizational flexbility
drive geo-processing schemas
facilitate leading-edge functionalities

 

[JManInPhoenix]

You need some face time with the Director of Global Strategic Initiatives...

 

[Ns1]

I can't find the original clip but you should reference this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnwBHVQJWJs

 

[slugg]

The boss had two words for me. The second one was "you."

 

[Ichinisan]

The boss had two words for me. The second one was "you."

:awe:

 

[jpiniero]

When I saw this, I thought it was about the KB&M sharing app!

 

[gorcorps]

Surely there has to be more to this... because talking funny to your boss doesn't sound like much of a prank

 

[slugg]

Surely there has to be more to this... because talking funny to your boss doesn't sound like much of a prank

We had an "important" announcement made yesterday morning. He wanted my feedback.

 

[Red Squirrel]

"Due to the explosive growth in computer system hardware that has a lower total cost of ownership than ever before, the financial ability of a single user having multiple computational units is now 83.6% (managers like numbers, just make some up as you go) more viable than it has ever been and it is brought to the table often as a clear goal of pushing the envelope on productivity. Synergy is a non cloud based solution that provides a turn key breakthrough in controlling systems from a single user input device and multiple image display devices. Studies have shown that computer systems (it sounds more fancy when you make it plural) users can boost productivity by 33.2% for each additional unit they have attached to one or multiple monitors. I am reaching out for your approval to bright to the table this software throughout the organization. This is vital for the company's sustainability and survival strategy. "


Then throw in some BS pie chart laying out the number of employees per department. It's not relevant but pie charts look good on business documents, especially proposals.

Also include a 1 year stock graph, one with a 5 year worth projection if they go with your idea, and one with a 5 year worth projection if they don't, and a percentage difference it will make to the stock price. Again, this is just numbers that can be made up.

Wait, were you trying to promote Synergy, the program, or just the buzz word? I was assuming the program.

 

[gotsmack]

Don't forget to hit on Deborah, like a boss.

 

[Red Squirrel]

Oh, and bring donuts and coffee to whatever meeting you will be doing this promotion. This is how you get people to show up to a meeting.

 

[Balt]

So you need help to break through the clutter and take a holistic approach to seamlessly integrate buzzwords into annoying your boss. Well here at ATOT, it's part of our DNA. Lets tee off this discussion to help empower Slugg with some sustainable jokes. First you'll want to leverage the low hanging fruit. In a hyperglobalized world, there are many lists of buzzwords online. Synergize with Google to find them. Then get creative. Think outside the box. After all, this is mission critical here. You want a good return on investment. Just make sure you have an exit strategy if things push the envelope. Touch base with us when you're done the prank to let us know how it goes.

Impressive.

The boss had two words for me. The second one was "you."

I'm going to assume the first word was "thank" :awe: