LOL@M00T! Its not a$$holes that get the "chicks" its the cocky ones
Thunderbooty, the scruff to which you refer has been shaven for some time.....
Lets not forget who started the "nekkidness" around here, BTW.....was really nekkid lastnight in the desert, nice and warm.
I am, generally speaking, a nice guy. The few times I have not followed the rules of etiquette that this social position dictates are almost always situations involving two sets of circumstances: I either do not understand that my actions are negatively affecting the feelings of others (usually this happens only in cases involving a female homo sapien), or I am in a situation where my back is up against the wall. In the latter situation, only by breaking out of my "Nice Guy" mold will I survive.
Sure, being a Nice Guy has its benefits: you have a lot of girlfriends: (friends who are girls), you are usually well-liked by guys, too ("Man that Joe is great, he's such a cool nice guy", and you can rest easy at night knowing if the history books were to write about you, it will be a "nice" piece. But being a Nice Guy, for the most part, sucks. People always try to take advantage of you, and due to your giving nature, you almost always grudgingly comply ("Joe can you write this term paper for me? I have to go have sex with my girlfriend." You usually worry too much about what your actions are doing to others, and ponder over each social interaction wondering if it increased or decreased your "nice guy standings" in the mind of the other person. But the major down side of being a Nice Guy is in the quirky, and sometimes excessively melodramatic human experience known as "dating." The idea of dating is a simple one: two people who are attracted to each other go out. But upon examination dating turns out to be alarmingly complex, encompassing a wide range of socio-political fields, as well a good old-fashioned popularity contest hoe down. From what I can reason out, there are at least 9 different types of human beings, and these groups can be laid out linearly on what I call the "Social Dating Ladder." The ladder looks something like this:
(9) (loners)Undatables. (8) (retards)Awkward Jims and Jills.
(7) (your sister)Sibling Look-Alikes. (6) (dork)Natural Born Suckas
(5) Nice Guys/Girls. (4) (preps)The Popular Posse.
(3) The Cool Kids. (2) Visions From Afar.
(1) (insert pic of laetitia casta here)Undatables.
At the lowest rung of the Social Dating Ladder are the "Undatables;" this really does not require any further explanation, other than to say that they are people too. The next rung is the "Awkward Jims and Jills"; these are the individuals you see in class, who look like they might fall down at any point during the day, even when seated. Directly above this group are the "Sibling Look-Alikes;" since this is a personal ladder, these individuals will be different for everyone. Why are these individuals so low on the ladder? Think about it: dating your sister? That's just freaky. At the sixth rung are the "Natural Born Suckas"; these folk are the ones who always get trampled on by everyone, even when they are not trying to be nice. At five are the "Nice Guys/Girls," the rung which I, the author, hold onto for dear life. Next up comes "The Popular Posse;" these are the people who think they are cool, but really hold their high social position through looks, rather than street cred. Above these folks are "The Cool Kids;" individuals who hold their social positions though merit, as well as achievements in the field of "Hip." At rung number two are the "Visions From Afar;"these are people who walk into your line of sight every once in a while, take your breath away, and then promptly make their exit. The highest rung on the Social Dating Ladder is held by a category that mirrors the first in is un-datable quality, but for a different reason. These are the people who would completely blow your mind if you ever were to see them as they are, a situation some say is much like what would happen to a human if they were to truly see God. These individuals possess the coolness, the class, the looks, and brains that the other social rungs, even those near the top, only dream about.
It is difficult, if not impossible, to date above your social rung, since no one really wants to date down the ladder. Sure, there are flukes: you meet a girl you are interested in, but it turns out she has a boyfriend whom you would affectionately describe as a "Loser." He still may be on a higher social rung than you are, but if he is one or more rung below the girl, his standing, at least in your mind, places him down two rungs from where he really is. Though this ladder contains most of the known social groups, the ordering of them is my own personal perception of where each group stands in the world. You might think The Popular Posse goes above the Cool Kids and would order your own ladder appropriately. You would be wrong, but reordering of the ladder is within your inalienable rights.
One group that I did not include on the ladder is the "Assholes." This social rung seems to be only present when male Social Dating Ladders are examined. An Asshole has no definite place on the Social Dating Ladder; they seem to be able to date any group with the exception of the highest rung (usually the top group only dates within itself, producing offspring that are also Undatables), although cases of this dramatic mis-pairing have been recorded (by me). The Asshole has the unique ability to supersede all normal rules of dating, and even a "Loser Asshole" can acquire dates within levels of the ladder that would (and should) have been unknown to him were he a normal guy.
The true reasons for the Asshole's amazing ability to beat the social system are, for the most part, unknown, but I believe I can make some educated guesses. Assholes take charge of any social situation they enter into, displaying a sense of power and importance that (some) females seem to enjoy. They are continually flirting with anything that moves, although they concentrate their attacks on females holding the higher social ranks. Related to this high level of flirting, they usually direct a large number of playful insults at these same individuals. These insults are never about something that might cause the female to get truly angry (i.e. weight), but involve something the woman has said, usually involving a playful twisting of her words. This use of insults is meant to show superiority in the relationship, in a non-threatening way. The last guess I will make as to why the Asshole is so successful in his pursuit of social conquests, is his belief that he deserves everything he gets. Usually an egomaniac, individuals possessing this nature have no doubt that they are, in the words of so many great poets, "the bomb." This feeling of confidence is another thing that makes the Asshole attractive in social situations.
My friend Brian and I have had many discourses on the nature of life, the mysteries of death, and the hypocrisy we have perceived in The Social Dating Ladder. Many of our conversations revolved around Assholes, and their amazing ability to date whomever they wanted. We saw many a girl from the Cool Kids rung of the ladder whisked away by a guy who everyone, including their friends, could plainly see fit into the jerk mold. In fact, that rung seems to be under constant attack from the Assholes; every day you see cool girls fall into the persuasive clutches of these maniacal individuals. As we talked, I began to formulate an experiment in my mind, one which I believed would clear up our confusion as to the relationship between girls and Assholes. "The Asshole Experiment", as I so eloquently phrased it, went like this: I would pass myself off as an asshole for a period of 4 weeks, directing most of my effort on one female. I will call this individual "Jamie," for the purpose of this writing.
Passing myself off as an Asshole will enable me to acquire a relationship with an individual from a social rung I have never before been able to explore.
At this point in the experiment, I had just met Jamie, but could see from her attitude, dress, and casual aloofness that she was what I have recently described as a Cool Kid. This girl was classy and rather good looking, although I believed she did not possess the level of requisite looks that could have booted her into the Visions From Afar group. She was into the rock scene, wore classy duds, and every pore in her body breathed "hip." Now I have described myself before as habitating the Nice Guy rung of the Social Dating Ladder, but this is not entirely true. I do have some elements possessed by the Cool Kids (some obscure musical tastes), as well as some of the Natural Born Suckas (my inability to say no, for instance). I chose Jamie because I had, at least remotely, known her last two boyfriends and could see that she often fell for Assholes of lower social standing (I saw this trend continue after the completion of the experiment).
After I had set up the grounds for this experiment and picked a subject, all that remained was teaching myself how to be an Asshole. From my aforementioned guesses as to why Assholes are so successful at the acquisition of females, I drew up a list of three rules that I would follow.
Rule 1. Flirt like a mutha. Girls love the flirt, as long as he is not below the Natural Born Suckas rung. Below this point, flirting guys are just regarded as "creepy."
Rule 2. Play the insult game. By following the light insult rules I mentioned above, anyone can learn to insult the right way.
Rule 3. Pretend you're a player. Act like you got it made, and people will perceive you that way.
Data and Analysis:
It took me a few days to get into the right mindset for being an Asshole, since my own nature is almost an exact contrast to the rules I laid out for myself. But after the first week, I was definitely Asshole material. With Jamie, I made lame small talk, told slightly humorous and suggestive jokes, insulted her correctly and acted like I owned the world. The first week was definitely the most worrying period of the whole experiment; I was unsure of my hypothesis, and wondered if there weren't other factors involved in being the correct kind of Asshole (such as being really good looking).
During the second week, I could definitely see that she was slowly warming to me and my Asshole persona. She began to open up about her life, and I made fun of it. I flirted openly with her friends as well, to increase my "player" appeal.
The third week was the pivotal point in our relationship; she would hang around with me, at some regularity, and looked like she was expecting me to do something. Of course, not being a true Asshole, I was unaware as to what my next step should be. I was alone with her in my room a few times, which she played off (at least that was how it seemed to me) by always having some reason to be there ("We gotta watch this thing on TV", or "You have to look at my paper".
The fourth week brought a conclusion to the experiment, in the most unexpected fashion. About three days into the week, she stopped having any contact with me. When I would speak to her on the phone, she always seemed curt and a little angry. Things quickly degraded, so that by the end of the fourth week, what had started out as a promising experiments quickly became nothing.
I spent a long time trying to unravel the mystery of why my experiment had failed so spectacularly, and came up with two possible answers. One was the possibility that she had seen through my asshole persona, and been turned off by the Nice Guy lurking beneath. Being an Asshole was hard work after all, and I might have slipped back into nice mode at some point that I cannot recall now. The second possibility was that there really was some element of the persona I had not included in my rules, or something about them which I was not able to imitate (such as the undecipherable quality known as "sex appeal".
About three months ago I came to the conclusion that supports all my data and one that I truly believe is correct. The one thing I think was left off or my list of rules, the lack of which was responsible for the unforeseen circumstances of week four, should be on everyone's rule list, no matter what their social standing. This all too important element, which from here on shall be known as
Rule 4: Make Your Move.
Owing to the fact that I am a Nice Guy at heart, I did not factor rule number four into the equation -- further taking advantage of this girl, after convincing her that I was something I was not, was actually pretty far from my mind. I believe this was the reason she became distant during week four, which is consistent with her behavior: she was waiting for me to make a move, to cement the budding relationship.
I believe that this experiment went well, even if the results produced were not what I expected. My sample size was extremely small, an experimental choice which my detractors are sure to point out. The mere fact that I, a Nice Guy, could even get close to forming a relationship with someone so far above me on the Social Dating Ladder, personally seems to me like conclusive evidence. Future experimenters need to learn from my mistakes and include Rule 4, making use of this tactic early in week three. An "anti-Asshole" system also needs to be devised, to fight this menace to our social hegemony. Science is a cruel mistress, and I am sure my reputation as being a Nice Guy will suffer as a result of my undertaking and recounting this experiment. Possibly I will even be called an Asshole. After seeing the benefits of that social group, I welcome this newfound position with open arms.
Let me say this before I conclude this paper; no one was hurt in this experiment more than I. I enjoyed the time the subject and I spent together, and missed it when the experiment concluded. If the events of week four had not occurred, and the pseudo-relationship had proceeded into the real thing, I have no doubt in my mind I would have continued seeing her. I would have slowly phased out the Asshole persona, and would have settled for just being part of The Popular Posse. Because in the end, being popular is all that matters.
I would go in the black skirt and blouse.
Only problem is that my hairy ass legs would probably make some people sick.
It depends on what kinda party it is.
Is it a small group of friends, a kegger(mmmm, beer), or a rave?
If small group of friends go with the shorts and T-shirt. WTF do they care what you're wearing?
Kegger, go with the black pants(skin tight hopefully) and a spaghetti string top. Look good, maybe make a guy spill his beer(alcohol abuse).
Those pants are skin tight, baby. How do you get into them?