This has got to be the first time this year I have actually laughed out loud at the desk from reading a forum.
This has got to be the first time this year I have actually laughed out loud at the desk from reading a forum.
A couple things I'd like to share with you. First off, experience will teach you that it is a losing proposition to waste time trying to figure out why people do the things they do. In analyzing this woman?s motives, you are negating her actual actions towards you. You?ve framed it as ?I can?t fathom why this lady is being nice to me? rather than ?This lady is being nice to me.?
In your case, there are a myriad reasons why your father's girl friend might be acting amicably towards you. She could be a nice person who cares for you as an extension of her caring for your father. You might stir maternal instincts in her. She might feel obligated to be nice to you, as ?the right thing to do?. She might feel it furthers her relationship with your father when she puts out effort towards you. Whatever ? it doesn?t matter.
You are in no position to rationalize this. It?s clear that you have baggage from your parent?s split. This is normal. But here is an example of your baggage getting in the way. Someone is reaching out to you, showing care and interest. As a man, you have two choices: Make the reciprocal effort to cultivate a relationship with this woman, or not to. Your choice. As far as how close this relationship might get, again, that?s up to you.
If you can?t find a place for her in your life, that?s fine. You are an adult and are free to make that decision. With it, of course, may come ramifications. Your perceived indifference might alienate you from your father. You don?t need to ever look at her as a mother figure. She?s not your mother ? no one is even insinuating that she is or would ever inherit that role. She?s someone your father loves and cares for.
Ask yourself this: if you were fully at ease and at peace with the divorce and everything it entailed, would this woman?s gestures of kindness bother you?
In your case, there are a myriad reasons why your father's girl friend might be acting amicably towards you. She could be a nice person who cares for you as an extension of her caring for your father. You might stir maternal instincts in her. She might feel obligated to be nice to you, as ?the right thing to do?. She might feel it furthers her relationship with your father when she puts out effort towards you. Whatever ? it doesn?t matter.
You are in no position to rationalize this. It?s clear that you have baggage from your parent?s split. This is normal. But here is an example of your baggage getting in the way. Someone is reaching out to you, showing care and interest. As a man, you have two choices: Make the reciprocal effort to cultivate a relationship with this woman, or not to. Your choice. As far as how close this relationship might get, again, that?s up to you.
If you can?t find a place for her in your life, that?s fine. You are an adult and are free to make that decision. With it, of course, may come ramifications. Your perceived indifference might alienate you from your father. You don?t need to ever look at her as a mother figure. She?s not your mother ? no one is even insinuating that she is or would ever inherit that role. She?s someone your father loves and cares for.
Ask yourself this: if you were fully at ease and at peace with the divorce and everything it entailed, would this woman?s gestures of kindness bother you?
Yeah, I can see how this would make things a lot more difficult. I understand how she wants to be on friendly terms with you but the way your relationship is between your dad and your mom it is difficult. You have to live your life how you see fit but I would stop lying to my dad about seeing my mom. He has to understand that just because they are divorced that you are still her son as well as his.
It defintely wouldn't, as I get along great with my stepdad. Your post was the most objective and useful, I agree, one cannot know her intent, I was mainly looking for likely reasons, and to just put it out there to see what other perspectives might be there.
True, it's just much easier to avoid it. Truly, I dislike these family dramatics and prefer to limit their impact on my life, which is probably also part of why I haven't been eager to adopt another new family.
I'll have a talk with my dad tonight about why she wants to hang out more and see what he says, I'll probably abide and do so.
*sniff*
I love this place. I think we have a candidate for ownage of the year for 2006.
Regardless, OP, really, consider what just about everyone is telling you. The hardest thing is to just admit that you're wrong.
Look after reading the first three pages of this thread here is what I have to say:
She is just trying to be nice to you. If you want your dad to be happy you should be nice back to her, maybe learn something about her. Unless you believe that your father has terrible judgement she must have some redeeming qualities, maybe if you open yourself up to this possibility you won't hate her so much?
Also, regarding the family event: If your father marries this woman do you expect her to miss these family events still? It just doesn't make any sense why you are so upset that she went to a family event to which she was invited by your father.
Finally, did you consider the possibility that she was actually happy to see you? My guess is that she doesn't know everyone in your family yet, so going to this family event you were another friendly (well turns out this was a bad assumption on her part) face. I don't know if you've ever had a serious girlfriend and attended a family event such as dinner or a cookout, but if you have, you'll remember that it can be a little intimidating being around a large group of people that all know each other, but that don't know you.
She, nor anyone else, is not asking you to treat her as your mother, but I don't think it would be wrong to treat her as you would treat the girlfriend of one of your buddies. You don't freak out if your friends bring their girlfriends out with them do you?
She is just trying to be nice to you. If you want your dad to be happy you should be nice back to her, maybe learn something about her. Unless you believe that your father has terrible judgement she must have some redeeming qualities, maybe if you open yourself up to this possibility you won't hate her so much?
Also, regarding the family event: If your father marries this woman do you expect her to miss these family events still? It just doesn't make any sense why you are so upset that she went to a family event to which she was invited by your father.
Finally, did you consider the possibility that she was actually happy to see you? My guess is that she doesn't know everyone in your family yet, so going to this family event you were another friendly (well turns out this was a bad assumption on her part) face. I don't know if you've ever had a serious girlfriend and attended a family event such as dinner or a cookout, but if you have, you'll remember that it can be a little intimidating being around a large group of people that all know each other, but that don't know you.
She, nor anyone else, is not asking you to treat her as your mother, but I don't think it would be wrong to treat her as you would treat the girlfriend of one of your buddies. You don't freak out if your friends bring their girlfriends out with them do you?
Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
If you were seeing a woman steadily how would you like for the rest of your family to treat her ? Ever consider that your Dad brings this woman to family functions because he wants her there?
Correcting: I do not hate her at all. Just because I am reluctant to force a relationship doesn't mean I hate her or anything of the sort.
Again, suggestions from someone who knows me as well as you do, (which is not at all) are irrelevant. If you wish to post such a comment for your own gratification, obviously it is an open forum. As far as its use as advice, save it.
According to this post, the advice from all the people you're considering to be "good advice" should also be irrelevant.
BTW, making posts like this just pisses people off and instigates them to troll more.
This is f**king trash. Layoff on this guy alright?
I'm sick of these sociological norms of "accepting the stepmother". Look, it's very simple here:
If you actually were RAISED, 9999.999 percent of the time it's your mother.
Who carried you, your mother.
Who fed you when you were a tot, your mother.
Who made sure your ass was straight in school? Your mother
I can completely understand where this guy is coming from, it seems to me that he feels this stepmother is trying to basically continue the "mother path" after the hard part is done, she can go kiss @$$. I'm completely with you on this one OP.
The reason, because I am close to my mother at age 19 at a time whree many kids my age want to be "independant". The sacrifices she made for me are unbelievable and I'd be pissed the hell off that some other lady who hsa some interest in my father thinks she can be the one that was there for me in the future when I already have someone who's there for me.
Stick strong, I'd tell her to F off. If my father was divorced which would be highly unlikely, he could pick and choose whoever he wanted, and if one like that came across, I'm sorry but i'm going to ruin her life.
I suggest a "home alone" setup. Maybe even "parent trap" or just confront her and tell her that you find her attempts as lame as eating rofflecakes while on lollerskates with some lmaosauce.
That's just my 2 cents, that's my F**king mother man and I take that sh*t to heart.
I'm sick of these sociological norms of "accepting the stepmother". Look, it's very simple here:
If you actually were RAISED, 9999.999 percent of the time it's your mother.
Who carried you, your mother.
Who fed you when you were a tot, your mother.
Who made sure your ass was straight in school? Your mother
I can completely understand where this guy is coming from, it seems to me that he feels this stepmother is trying to basically continue the "mother path" after the hard part is done, she can go kiss @$$. I'm completely with you on this one OP.
The reason, because I am close to my mother at age 19 at a time whree many kids my age want to be "independant". The sacrifices she made for me are unbelievable and I'd be pissed the hell off that some other lady who hsa some interest in my father thinks she can be the one that was there for me in the future when I already have someone who's there for me.
Stick strong, I'd tell her to F off. If my father was divorced which would be highly unlikely, he could pick and choose whoever he wanted, and if one like that came across, I'm sorry but i'm going to ruin her life.
I suggest a "home alone" setup. Maybe even "parent trap" or just confront her and tell her that you find her attempts as lame as eating rofflecakes while on lollerskates with some lmaosauce.
That's just my 2 cents, that's my F**king mother man and I take that sh*t to heart.
That would be a conclusion you might come to if you did not read the actual question in my OP, which was simply a bit of (over the top) venting, and a request for ideas as to why she may be attempting what she is. I was not asking for a wholesale analysis of anyone's character.
There is that element, although I was eager to accept my stepdad, and we actually get along fantastically. I guess it stems from a difference in how things were handled then, and how they are handled today as well.
FLWRHART
Member
- Dec 5, 2005
- 84
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you say you are 23, but you dont act like it.
yes you may have a mother and i am sure she is not trying to take your mothers spot, but for all you know she may someday become your stepmother.
there is nothing wrong with being friends with the woman your dad is dateing, just like it would be the same if your mom was dating then
i am sure they guy would want to be friends with you as well.
yes you may have a mother and i am sure she is not trying to take your mothers spot, but for all you know she may someday become your stepmother.
there is nothing wrong with being friends with the woman your dad is dateing, just like it would be the same if your mom was dating then
i am sure they guy would want to be friends with you as well.
being friends is different from her talking to you like she's your mother"i'm glad you came". Only one that even has that authority are my creators.
No kidding, how are you sure of her intent?
Sure there is nothing WRONG with it. My query was about whether it was really required. I still don't see the necessity in taking it beyond casual cordial/friendliness unless they do get married or something. Hell, they aren't even engaged. Once that happens, if it does, I might have a different view. It is interesting though, how deeply my father's behavior has colored this.
Frackal you seem to be "Brown". I completely understand your problem man, I'm brown too and my father is sucessful as well.
Don't worry man, if you don't like her talk to your pops, he'll listen to you for sure. One thing brown parents and dads in particular exhibit is tough love, you tell em how you feel chances are he'll listen.
Alot of people don't understand a typical East Indian/Middle eastern child upbringing where your mother and grandmother raise you and your father is out there bustin his ass so you can live the life you live.
That's always been the socioeconomic barrier between the caucasian and the indian people not stereotypical wise but just as a norm.
I know lots of caucasian kids that get incentive and nice things at points in time, but the ratio for most is us being "spoiled brats" becaues our parents want us to live the life they never had, and essentially came here and work for us.
I am not tyring to be racist but so many caucasian friends of mine bust their ass @ work to buy a car and insurance and have to pay for school as oppoesd to all my brown friends not having to worry about that and doing very well in school. I just don't understand why, but I understand why they don't feel the void you do, and i would.
Don't worry man, if you don't like her talk to your pops, he'll listen to you for sure. One thing brown parents and dads in particular exhibit is tough love, you tell em how you feel chances are he'll listen.
Alot of people don't understand a typical East Indian/Middle eastern child upbringing where your mother and grandmother raise you and your father is out there bustin his ass so you can live the life you live.
That's always been the socioeconomic barrier between the caucasian and the indian people not stereotypical wise but just as a norm.
I know lots of caucasian kids that get incentive and nice things at points in time, but the ratio for most is us being "spoiled brats" becaues our parents want us to live the life they never had, and essentially came here and work for us.
I am not tyring to be racist but so many caucasian friends of mine bust their ass @ work to buy a car and insurance and have to pay for school as oppoesd to all my brown friends not having to worry about that and doing very well in school. I just don't understand why, but I understand why they don't feel the void you do, and i would.
Thanks man, I am Italian/german actually, really "white" I guess. I just picked this avi because its an honor student/student avatar.
Again, I think a lot of people are wrongly getting the impression that I do not like her. It isn't that, I like her fine, I simply don't want to force a relationship/buddy-buddy thing ... its my dad and her who like one another... if they get engaged or something, yeah, I guess I will need to get to know her better.
For the time being though, I will abide her wishes and it will probably put her at ease more, but I view her as she is, my FATHER'S girlfriend. It's their business.
Again, I think a lot of people are wrongly getting the impression that I do not like her. It isn't that, I like her fine, I simply don't want to force a relationship/buddy-buddy thing ... its my dad and her who like one another... if they get engaged or something, yeah, I guess I will need to get to know her better.
For the time being though, I will abide her wishes and it will probably put her at ease more, but I view her as she is, my FATHER'S girlfriend. It's their business.
...
Hmm -
You know, I'm re-reading my OP, and wow, it is amazing how angry I can get about this whole thing. I am usually very calm and rational.
I guess my anger at her comment re: "Glad you came" was substantial, although it really did come across to me as somewhat of a condescending and scolding remark, and I do believe it was meant in that way somewhat because earlier that night when my family was talking about a 'get-together' at my house, she said sarcastically but jokingly: "Well I bet Rob will be at the gym or something" ..
.. apparently inferring that I say I'm going to the gym to avoid family gatherings/or hanging with her.... which is what originally pissed me off because here she is at MY family's house making a scolding remark about me not coming over enough... why? Because she's been to the last several while I've been here for 23 years? Little things like that make me distrustful, becasue if I friendly up to her and allow her to enter my life, it may mean she has more say over family matters.
Anyway, I think it's wiser to make an effort NOT to post at my angriest.
Hmm -
You know, I'm re-reading my OP, and wow, it is amazing how angry I can get about this whole thing. I am usually very calm and rational.
I guess my anger at her comment re: "Glad you came" was substantial, although it really did come across to me as somewhat of a condescending and scolding remark, and I do believe it was meant in that way somewhat because earlier that night when my family was talking about a 'get-together' at my house, she said sarcastically but jokingly: "Well I bet Rob will be at the gym or something" ..
.. apparently inferring that I say I'm going to the gym to avoid family gatherings/or hanging with her.... which is what originally pissed me off because here she is at MY family's house making a scolding remark about me not coming over enough... why? Because she's been to the last several while I've been here for 23 years? Little things like that make me distrustful, becasue if I friendly up to her and allow her to enter my life, it may mean she has more say over family matters.
Anyway, I think it's wiser to make an effort NOT to post at my angriest.
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