Help me make this sentence better

[lightweight]

I've been kicking this around for about 15 minutes now. Here is the sentence:

Participated in weekly meetings and provided useful insight from observation of employees and the existing technologies they used in performing their jobs.

It's for my resume, and I'm trying to demonstrate teamwork and research in this sentence.

 

[xanis]

Sounds and looks like a run-on. Try this:

"Provided useful insight about employees and the current technology they employ to perform their jobs."

Using fewer words to get your point across is always better.

 

[lightweight]

Thanks for your suggestion. Definitely looks cleaner, and more concise

 

[Xstatic1]

i'm not really sure what you're really trying to say... but how 'bout:
Participated in weekly meetings. Provided useful insight from employees/co-workers, including technologies they utilized.

if it absolutely has to be one sentence, just remove the first period and replace with "and", then use lower-case p for "provided"

 

[PurdueRy]

Originally posted by: Xstatic1
i'm not really sure what you're really trying to say... but how 'bout:
Participated in weekly meetings. Provided useful insight from employees/co-workers, including technologies they utilized.

if it absolutely has to be one sentence, just remove the first period and replace with "and", then use lower-case p for "provided"

Your first sentence isn't a sentence

 

[Ulfhednar]

Originally posted by: lightweight
Participated in weekly meetings and provided useful insight from observation of employees and the existing technologies they used in performing their jobs.

I would personally write something along the lines of; "I was a participant in weekly meetings, and through observation I was able to provide useful insight into employee performance and the technologies required for the jobs they performed."

Of course, I have no idea of the context in which this is supposed to be written and I have been up all night. :moon:

Edit: Looking back on that sentence, I could've gone much easier on the "performance/performed" thing. You probably weren't even there to observe their performance, but I wouldn't know.

 

[lyssword]

remove the first "and" and replace it with , (coma)

 

[Xstatic1]

Originally posted by: PurdueRy

Originally posted by: Xstatic1
i'm not really sure what you're really trying to say... but how 'bout:
Participated in weekly meetings. Provided useful insight from employees/co-workers, including technologies they utilized.

if it absolutely has to be one sentence, just remove the first period and replace with "and", then use lower-case p for "provided"

Your first sentence isn't a sentence

"Participated in weekly meetings" IS a sentence. It is unnecessary to use the word "I" in a resume, it's already a given, DUH!!!

The reviewer/HR Dept/manager/recruiter will not want to read a lot of words....so ideally it should be in bullet form, with clear and concise wording.

 

[Goosemaster]

Participated in weekley meethings and contributed valuable observational feedback on employees and actively used technologies.

 

[Perknose]

Why not just come right out and say these were klan meetings and that you helped your local klavern build a brighter burning cross?

I say, if the pointy hat fits, wear it!

 

[jrenz]

"beat up a lot of jews"

 

[sunase]

Mentioning minutia like meetings is pretty worthless IMO.
I'd go with, "Advised on technology usage."

 

[Stunt]

"Loves the D"

 

[Perknose]

Originally posted by: sunase
Mentioning minutia like meetings is pretty worthless IMO.
I'd go with, "Advised on technology usage."

Bingo, although I'd punch it up . . . take it up a notch or two.

"Advised on technology usage."

"Provided several key productivity solutions that were implemented enterprise-wide"

"Regularly given head in the mail room by the CEO's personal secretary, in lieu of further stock options."

Ok, maybe you can go too far.

 

[madeupfacts]

Originally posted by: lightweight
Participated in weekly meetings and provided useful insight from observation of employees and the existing technologies they used in performing their jobs.

translation


I'm teh MAN who provides the coffee and bagels!