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Help me decide!

S

slackerinabox

Lifer
Hey,
A bud of mine worked on a writing a short film.. Something that we don't hope to win any award with but just to have on our portfolios.. Anyway, so we wrote a barebones story and then I edited it.. He prefers the barebone one to the draft that I wrote- what do you guys think? Each will take only a minute or so to read please help out if you can .. Thanks!

Version 1
Version 2

p.s. of course they're filled with typos.. They're very rough drafts so keep snotty anal comments about grammar to yourself.. or be judged as both snotty and anal - the choice is yours 😉
 
"The sterile white of the sheet has been contaminated by his blood."

What sheet?

the second draft is better, but i would stick the opening scene (in the stall) back into #2

So good manners are really, really important to you guys? 🙂
 
First part of #1 does not add anything to story. My vote is for #2.

Could have a better moral?

mdcrab
 
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