help a big brother out?

[EmperorIQ]

My little brother (will be 11 today) never talks, and when he does, he sounds very simple minded, even for his age. I know that there are a lot of issues of why he is like this, because I (21) grew up the same way.

He is made fun of A LOT in school due to his size, his big head, his race. He has expressed to me before that he feels that if he went to an all asian school, his life would be better, and that he hates the other race.

I really don't want my little brother thinking this way, and I told him that going to an all asian school would mean him being made fun of for being poor, fat, etc. He will always get made fun of, all he can do about it is find good friends, and ignore the others, but how can you make a kid realize this?

I think he is afraid to speak in a level that is right for his age because people make fun of him when he uses a word wrong, so he just tries to keep what he says simple. I have this feeling because I used to be like this.

I also feel that he is doing a lot worse than me when I was his age based on two things.
1.) he is a lot more over weight than I was.
2.) I was always top 1 in elementary school, and top 10 in middle school. My little brother is always the last 10, and scores below average in some subject areas in standardize tests.

This worries me a lot because, although I was able to get good grades and get into a good college. College is about networking, team work, just overall communication. I struggled my first 2 years in college, just because I wasn't able to come out of my shell. I have fought all that, and my only problem now is public speaking. (still have to work on this).

I have tried to encourage him to put down those stupid video games of his, stop watching those stupid cartoons and just read to increase his vocabulary. I have encouraged him to get out of the house, go biking, play sports, etc. but he just gives up when he realizes that he isn't good at it.

Our other cousins around his age gets made fun of just as much, but are both doing very well in school. I don't see why my little brother reacts in such a way. I will definately say that the only difference is that my parents do not brag about their kids as if they are the best, and they do not spoil us, but I still don't see how their method of raising has only seem different to him and not the other 3 siblings.

My next attempt is to bring him along with me to go biking, and maybe play some football with him, but I rarely have time. I know that I should make time. Hopefully this will make him realize he has more skills than "gaming" and maybe he will have more confidence in himself? He used to see a therapist upon request of his school, but we couldn't afford it anymore so we stopped. I really think we should continue, he improved a lot.

I am so tempted to go completely "asian" on him, and make him read 1 book every 2 weeks, and write me a 3 page book report on it. I also want to give him just a whole lot of math problems to workout and even give him problems that he doesn't even have to lear yet, but I'm not sure if that is the right approach. Sure it'll get his grades up, but how will he build up confidence?

Cliffs and my question: How do you make a 11 year old boy have more self-confidence, improve on his communication and social skills, and take pride in himself?

Thanks everyone, and sorry for the long read.

 

[So]

Wish I could offer better advice, but going 'asian' on him (some kids of all races really need structure) may be the best thing. It'll hurt because you won't be his 'friend' any more though.

 

[PHiuR]

Have him read and be involved in school is defintely a start.

Sorry, don't have much advice to give ya

 

[Deleted member 4644]

There are a LOT of young kids the age of your brother who have the problems you described. TV, the internet and computer games are RUINING kids these days.

If I were you, I would make him read and limit his computer game time mostly to weekends. He might hate you, but he will thank you later.

Kids these days don't know what hard work means.

I am 23 and I see 15 year old kids who have terrible, lazy, disrespectful behavior that even the WORST kids I knew did not have in the 1980s.

I am not saying your bro is lazy or a bad kid, but I doubt he has good role models around him at school.

EDIT: you also have to consider -- are you more worried about his grades or his social life... the two might have different solutions or even work against each other!

 

[EmperorIQ]

Originally posted by: LordSegan
There are a LOT of young kids the age of your brother who have the problems you described. TV, the internet and computer games are RUINING kids these days.

If I were you, I would make him read and limit his computer game time mostly to weekends. He might hate you, but he will thank you later.

Kids these days don't know what hard work means.

I am 23 and I see 15 year old kids who have terrible, lazy, disrespectful behavior that even the WORST kids I knew did not have in the 1980s.

I am not saying your bro is lazy or a bad kid, but I doubt he has good role models around him at school.

My brother is lazy. Given that he doesn't read, or go outside and play, but prefers to sit and watch tv. =

so out of 3 replies it seems like everyone is telling me to "go asian" or basically crack the whip on him, and not be his buddy. Maybe crack the whip, but also play sports with him might be cool.

but I also want to help him improve his social skills (something that I lack a lot growing up). Is there anyway I can do that? Would just talking to him be good enough?

 

[So]

Originally posted by: EmperorIQ

Originally posted by: LordSegan
There are a LOT of young kids the age of your brother who have the problems you described. TV, the internet and computer games are RUINING kids these days.

If I were you, I would make him read and limit his computer game time mostly to weekends. He might hate you, but he will thank you later.

Kids these days don't know what hard work means.

I am 23 and I see 15 year old kids who have terrible, lazy, disrespectful behavior that even the WORST kids I knew did not have in the 1980s.

I am not saying your bro is lazy or a bad kid, but I doubt he has good role models around him at school.

My brother is lazy. Given that he doesn't read, or go outside and play, but prefers to sit and watch tv. =

so out of 3 replies it seems like everyone is telling me to "go asian" or basically crack the whip on him, and not be his buddy. Maybe crack the whip, but also play sports with him might be cool.

This might be insensitive, but why isn't his dad doing this for him?

 

[buzzsaw13]

Sadly, this is a very similar situtation to my own in the past, but I was the little brother. I eventually got my act together when I realised how hard it would be in the future if I didn't focus on school, but that took quite a while and with much help from my older brother.

My advice for you is get the parents involved. Have them set some strict rules for him and have him focus in school. He may hate you now for getting them involved, but once he realises its for his own good he will thank you and appreciate what you've done for him. I know I felt that way when my brother tried to help me out.

Oh yeah, and getting him into some sports work wonders. If he doesnt like the typical stuff like baseball, football, and basketball, you can always try tennis, badminton, soccer, hockey, or whatever. Just try to get him interested in something so he doesn't lounge around all day.

 

[Deleted member 4644]

Depends on your relationship with him too. Does he respect you? Maybe sit down with him and explain to him that the world is a very competitive place, and he has to work hard to compete with the global world he will be in someday.

Tell him you are his big bro and you want to help him, you are willing to tutor him, and you want him to be successful.

It's is a "positive" way of "going asian" as you put it, rather than a negative, punishment way.

 

[Finns14]

As a younger brother myself and just noticing it with other people too younger brothers look up to big brothers quite a bit lead by example take part in said activities with him.

 

[cirthix]

teach him things that are usefull for his classes. doing well in school will probably make him open up a bit. show him some math tricks and make him read+write more often. i'm sure you can find many good books in the book recommendation thread. I dont think sports is going to answer this one honestly. it will suck up a lot of time and probably get him in better shape, but since he's never played sports before, he will not do well compared to the others who have played it for a few years already. it will just give him another thing to fail in. plus, sports arent nearly as important as academics.

 

[dabuddha]

Why aren't your parents going "Asian" on him? It's their duty to do so and then you can be there to help him out and to teach him. That way you'll still be his friend.

 

[Atomicus]

The OP's description borderlines that of my own little brother (I'm 21 and he turned 12 this year). He had the same low-confidence/self esteem issues, poor grades, body image issues, etc.

But I think my brother was able to cope and make friends by actively mixing in the groups through his hobbies and stuff. Most probably his Gameboy and Megaman NT games, Yugioh/pokemon CCG, and just hanging out in the school yards after class for some recreation.

My personal suggestion is tell him to do what he likes and what he does best. If it be video games or non-educational venues, so be it. Ask him to find kids with the same interests and interact. If his actions are taking away time from his education (too much time on the PC), tell your parents to offer him incentives such as more time allowed on the PC when his homeworks are finishes and if his grades improve. Turn his love of video games to a positive motivation. Or find the time to do those outdoor activities whcih you've mentioned with him. Be proactive, not saying that you're lazy, just utilize your time to the best you can. My older brother and I loved playing handball, and slowly we worked the little guy to play and love the sport as well. A tried and true method for us, and may work for you :thumbsup:


As an older brother, don't be oblivious to the fact that he may be looking up to you without him showing signs of it. When you're doing stuff with him or passing him by in the house, ask him random stuff. About school, what his plans are for the day, games, anything. Let him know you're interested in what he does. Work your way up to a position in his mind that you acknowledge him as a brother.

You have the power to talk him through situations where he may feel desperate and worthless. As he grows older, if your relationship between him develops better, he will understand things more logically, lending itself to more opportunities to have chats about more meaningful topics, like his future.

Originally posted by: dabuddha
Why aren't your parents going "Asian" on him? It's their duty to do so and then you can be there to help him out and to teach him. That way you'll still be his friend.

Worst idea ever. My parents tried that on my little bro, back-fired like explosive diahrea. The last born child is usually spoiled, so a sudden shift from spoiled to strict-rule will only make him feel more insecure and bottled-up. He may/will lash out, so try subtle forms of change over time.

NOTE: There is no quick-fix. Just keep that in mind and remember to control your patience with him. If you or your parents show weakness in their patience with him, he's react to that negative emotion.

 

[Proletariat]

I think maybe a therapist would be your best bet. Its good to take care of the self-esteem issues before he reaches his teen years.

 

[InlineFive]

Tell him that girls adore guys with an exponentially huge vocabulary.

 

[SZLiao214]

When i was younger, maybe around the op's little brothers age, was always really shy. Its something that followed me till my senior year of high school where i really opened up. Playing sports with him then later adding a few more people might be the best way to get him exercising and social. Putting him on a team would be a horrible idea right now as that may be too much for him at once. Its kinda like changing your diet, small changes over time and not 1 huge change all at once. If you force it to hard, he will feel anxiety and close up even more so.

 

[DainBramaged]

Maybe crack the whip, but also play sports with him might be cool.

I agree with this. Everybody here is talking about going "asian" as in hardcore whipcracking. What about strongly encouraging (read = making) him do things with you like you said while making it fun? Go for a bike ride down to the tennis courts and get him good at it. That's what my dad did with me when I was younger and gaining weight. I sucked hard at all sports but by the time it was done, I was decent at tennis and had lost a lot of the weight, not to mention, I appreciated my dad more.

 

[EmperorIQ]

thanks for the advice guys. I really do feel that the best way is to help build up his self-confidence, and that'll make him try harder in school (this is how I improved my grades in college). Unfortunately, I recently got in an accident and won't be able to be as active for another 4-6 months (broke my leg). I think I just got a pretty good idea though.

All of our little cousins have low self-esteem issues too (except they stll do pretty good at school). Maybe I can get them together and start playing sports with each other, while I proctor and cheer them on. I think I will have my little sister make sure he does extra school work, such as reading, while i'm at college. (I hear Harry Potter is a good series, but it depends on what he likes).

 

[fbrdphreak]

Definitely get him reading. That will help expand his vocabulary and hopefully make him more confident in interacting with others. I read a lot from elementary to middle school (ran out of time since high school) and it has helped me in a LOT of ways.

Does your family treat him like his age or do they kind of baby him? Not necessarily in responsibilities, but especially in conversations. I know my parents kind of interact with my 10 year old sister like she's a few years younger and it shows in her development. Her discussions can be pretty childish for her age, she doesn't sound as mature as she should be when interacting with most people. The best suggestion I have for you is that when you interact with him, do so on the level he should be at (or above). Use complicated sentences, use complicated words. If he doesn't know what you mean, make sure he asks and you explain. The other poster was right when they said younger siblings usually look up to the older ones.

This is your chance to use that to your advantage and try to mold your little brother into the person he needs to become. My little sister was also on the path to become fat, it runs in my family (by lifestyle I'm sure, not genetics). But my Dad worked hard to get her interested in some sports (she is a lot bigger than any girl her age, she's 5 feet tall @ 10 years old! :Q) and now she loves to play most sports. She is really into soccer and is finally getting good at it; but it took her a couple years of playing to get interested in it & develop those skills. He makes her run every day and practice often in the yard to keep her in shape and motivated.

I'm also in college, about to graduate and living with my gf of 4 years; so even tho my family is only 1.5 hours away, I don't find much time to go home. I wish I had more time to be a bigger influence on my sister, I hope you can find the time to do the same for your brother.

Good luck

 

[JulesMaximus]

He is made fun of A LOT in school due to his size, his big head, his race. He has expressed to me before that he feels that if he went to an all asian school, his life would be better, and that he hates the other race.

WTF??? What is this "other race" you are speaking of?

 

[Saint Nick]

When I was going to middle school (6th through 8th grade, 1998-2001), I wasn't a very popular guy. But all of a sudden I opened up in 8th grade an magically got all these friends. I changed who I hung out with, my study habits changed, it was weird. It was a great change, don't get me wrong, but it was something that just.... happened, I didn't do anything to cause it.

Maybe thats whats coming for your little brother.