Having a child

[Nightfall]

My wife and I have been married for 9 years. We were going out all through college until I could afford to buy her a ring after I graduated (in the relationship 15 years total). Got married a couple years later.

Since college, my wife has told me that she has a medical condition that pretty much prevents her from getting pregnant. It has something to do with her ovaries but I don't know the correct term. So she told me that she has no drive to have children. That was fine with me because it wasn't a deal breaker for me.

Fast forward to a couple weeks after we got married. Nothing changed. She had no interest in having children. We continued to discuss it every so often but her desire to have kids just isn't there. Once again, thats fine by me as I want to stay supportive in whatever she would like to do.

Just a few days ago, we discuss it yet again. I am 36 and she is 35. She tells me that we are coming to a point where we will have to decide if we want to go through fertility treatments or other invasive procedures in order for her to have a kid. She then tells me that she sees the good things and bad things about having kids. She has no overwhelming desire to have one, but she also has no desire to rule it out completely.

I am just being supportive. I have been seeing the benefits and drawbacks as well. I tell her I will be supportive and will go with whatever decision she makes. After all, its her body and if she wants to have one and go through the procedures to make it happen, I will be there for her. I tell her I understood her medical reasons and that it would be unfair of me to demand children from her. I also told her that I married her because I love her and children to me are not a requirement.

She understands my stance and appreciates my honesty. However, she would like me to have some kind of opinion on the matter other than I can just see the good and the bad. I asked her to bring the same thing next time we talk. I figure its only fair since we are both wishy washy about the subject.

I wanted to ask the forum members here what they thought of this situation. Should I have a stance one way or the other? I don't want to say "absolutely not" when I don't feel that way, but I also don't want to say "absolutely yes" when I don't feel that way either. I want to stay supportive, but I feel that I am putting pressure on her to make "the decision". Obviously, the decision must be a mutual one that we both agree on.

I have always been of the state of mind that if I was to have a child, I would want it to be for the right reasons. I wouldn't want to go into it half wanting because in my opinion, a wanted child should be truly wanted. I believe some people have kids just for the wrong reasons. You should be committed to these children that you have. You should be prepared and ready to raise them the right way. To go into it half assed is not a key to a successful married or upbringing of the child.

Do I have my attitude in the right place? Should I make some changes and be more open minded? Any suggestions you have would be great.

 

[imported_Imp]

Sounds like the main issue is the medical issue and fertility treatments. Consider taking that out of the equation (i.e. adoption: screw passing on your genes, go for socialization or raising he/she right).

 

[moshquerade]

so do you want children or not? yes or no.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: Imp
Sounds like the main issue is the medical issue and fertility treatments. Consider taking that out of the equation (i.e. adoption: screw passing on your genes, go for socialization or raising he/she right).

That is an option as well. We have discussed international adoption too. However, we keep coming back to the crux of the issue. Me being supportive and my wife just not knowing if having a child is the right thing for her.

 

[DisgruntledVirus]

I'm sorry for anybody whose spouse wants them to have kids

 

[MikeyLSU]

well you either would rather have children or not, you will lean one way or the other(even if it is slight).

Would you rather go through the rest of your life watching a child grow up, or just be the 2 of you?

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: moshquerade
so do you want children or not? yes or no.

I am up in the air about it. I come from a big family, so its easy for me to see the benefits of having them. However, I enjoy the personal freedom that not having kids has given me. My wife and I can pick up and go at a moments notice. We have the freedom to do what we want when we want. We can sleep in on weekends and not have to concern ourselves with a child.

I suppose if you put a gun to my head and told me to make a decision, I would go with what I have now and say no.

However, if my wife said she wanted a child, I would do it. I would also change my lifestyle to help out with this child. I would cut back on my hockey playing to 1 night a week instead of 3-4 like I am doing now. I would work hard at being there at all times for my wife and our child as much as possible. I am not afraid of change one bit.

I hope that answers your question.

 

[AreaCode7O7]

If you don't WANT one, you don't want one. You obviously don't have a drive to have a child and at 36 you probably know your own mind. You're not opposed to it and not for it, which leaves you in the neutral territory of the status quo, and that status quo is no kid.

If your wife particularly wanted one, that would be a different question, but it sounds like she's equally neutral.

I'd stick with what's worked for you and know that if you ever changed your minds you're both willing to adopt and be the hero for a fortunate little kid.

 

[boomhower]

Damn grow a pair of balls and make a decision on what you want. Supporting your wife is fine but at least have a damn opinion. just because you may disagree doesn't mean you can't be supportive. It's a big decision just think carefully, your life will never be close to the same. Be ready for no sleep and rocking a crying baby all night. Be ready for spending untold amounts of money on baby furniture, diapers, formula(this crap is stupid expensive), toys, babysitters, all the way through college. Be ready for the little fucker to steal you heart the second it pops out. My little girl is two years old and it the best thing I ever did. If it wasn't for the economy sucking so bad we would have a second but it is just not economically responsible in our household at the moment. That said from how wishy washy you both are it sounds like you would be better off with a dog.

 

[nakedfrog]

It sounds almost like she already knows what opinion she wants you to give, and you're supposed to give the right one.

 

[imported_Imp]

While most people seem to be irresponsible and don't put any thought into having a child at all, some people have to be glad when they hear "oops, the condom broke" to avoid all this confusion.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: MikeyLSU
well you either would rather have children or not, you will lean one way or the other(even if it is slight).

Would you rather go through the rest of your life watching a child grow up, or just be the 2 of you?

I don't understand why someone just can't be "in between" on the issue. Some people have a strong desire to have them and pass their genes on. Others do not. I am someone that fits right in the middle. I have analyzed this over and over again. I can see the benefits like playing hockey with my son or daughter. Watching them grow up. All the great things like that. However, I can also see the bad things as well. Then, I can see what I have now, the freedom and such.

 

[MagnusTheBrewer]

You can't be "wishy washy" about kids. If you feel ambivalent about the idea, don't have kids. It has nothing to do with fertility treatments, adoption or, anything else.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: nakedfrog
It sounds almost like she already knows what opinion she wants you to give, and you're supposed to give the right one.

Our relationship doesn't work like that. There is no innuendo here. No suggestion. We talk honestly and openly to each other.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: MagnusTheBrewer
You can't be "wishy washy" about kids. If you feel ambivalent about the idea, don't have kids. It has nothing to do with fertility treatments, adoption or, anything else.

Thats my thought on the matter. In my opinion, having kids is something you have to be ready to do. You don't do this half assed. You have to be ready to go all the way. If you aren't ready to do that, then you shouldn't have them.

I think that statement is the answer that I will approach her with. If we are both on the fence about it, we shouldn't have one. Unless we are both ready to do it, we shouldn't.

 

[ruu]

It takes a lot of brainpower to actually form an opinion. For smart, open-minded, honest and communicative people, seeing both sides of an issue---the pros and cons---and then talking about the pros and cons ad nauseam is basically a cop-out as far as decision-making goes.

Think, think, and think some more, and then have an opinion.

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: moshquerade
so do you want children or not? yes or no.

I suppose if you put a gun to my head and told me to make a decision, I would go with what I have now and say no.

Your opinion is no, no kids. Nothing wrong with that. Now go see what your wife thinks.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: AreaCode707
If you don't WANT one, you don't want one. You obviously don't have a drive to have a child and at 36 you probably know your own mind. You're not opposed to it and not for it, which leaves you in the neutral territory of the status quo, and that status quo is no kid.

If your wife particularly wanted one, that would be a different question, but it sounds like she's equally neutral.

I'd stick with what's worked for you and know that if you ever changed your minds you're both willing to adopt and be the hero for a fortunate little kid.

One of the best most thought out posts so far. Thank you.

 

[HardcoreRobot]

sounds like you are both waiting for the other to make the decision. it happens sometimes.. i usually settle it by asking a magic 8 ball, but coinflip or other methods work too.

 

[moshquerade]

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: moshquerade
so do you want children or not? yes or no.

I am up in the air about it. I come from a big family, so its easy for me to see the benefits of having them. However, I enjoy the personal freedom that not having kids has given me. My wife and I can pick up and go at a moments notice. We have the freedom to do what we want when we want. We can sleep in on weekends and not have to concern ourselves with a child.

I suppose if you put a gun to my head and told me to make a decision, I would go with what I have now and say no.

However, if my wife said she wanted a child, I would do it. I would also change my lifestyle to help out with this child. I would cut back on my hockey playing to 1 night a week instead of 3-4 like I am doing now. I would work hard at being there at all times for my wife and our child as much as possible. I am not afraid of change one bit.

I hope that answers your question.

so... have you point blanked asked her if she wants kids. yes or no?

i guess if you're both up in the air about it that means you really don't want them. hopefully you won't realize when you're old and it's too late that you should've had them.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
sounds like you are both waiting for the other to make the decision. it happens sometimes.. i usually settle it by asking a magic 8 ball, but coinflip or other methods work too.

Yea, I can see it now when my daughter turns 20.

daughter: Dad, when did you decide to have kids?
me: After your mom and I talked about it, and then left it up to a coin flip.
daughter: A coin flip?
me: Yup, heads was yes, tails was no.
daughter: So, the entire decision to have me was based on a coin landing heads?
me: Yea, that about sums it up.

Not really the direction I want to go on this issue.

 

[MikeyLSU]

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: MikeyLSU
well you either would rather have children or not, you will lean one way or the other(even if it is slight).

Would you rather go through the rest of your life watching a child grow up, or just be the 2 of you?

I don't understand why someone just can't be "in between" on the issue. Some people have a strong desire to have them and pass their genes on. Others do not. I am someone that fits right in the middle. I have analyzed this over and over again. I can see the benefits like playing hockey with my son or daughter. Watching them grow up. All the great things like that. However, I can also see the bad things as well. Then, I can see what I have now, the freedom and such.

Well, I seriously doubt you are right in the perfect middle of this. I was trying to stay away from my opinion on the matter, but from the looks of it, you lean towards the status quo and not having kids.

My guess is your wife has always been that way but is realizing she is getting older and time is running out and is starting to lean towards having kids.

But I'm so far removed from the situation, it is only a guess.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: moshquerade

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: moshquerade
so do you want children or not? yes or no.

I am up in the air about it. I come from a big family, so its easy for me to see the benefits of having them. However, I enjoy the personal freedom that not having kids has given me. My wife and I can pick up and go at a moments notice. We have the freedom to do what we want when we want. We can sleep in on weekends and not have to concern ourselves with a child.

I suppose if you put a gun to my head and told me to make a decision, I would go with what I have now and say no.

However, if my wife said she wanted a child, I would do it. I would also change my lifestyle to help out with this child. I would cut back on my hockey playing to 1 night a week instead of 3-4 like I am doing now. I would work hard at being there at all times for my wife and our child as much as possible. I am not afraid of change one bit.

I hope that answers your question.

so... have you point blanked asked her if she wants kids. yes or no?

i guess if you're both up in the air about it that means you really don't want them. hopefully you won't realize when you're old and it's too late that you should've had them.

Yes I have and she was saying no for the longest time. Now she says "I just don't know" but she goes from that to "no" very quickly after we take my 7 year old goddaughter out for ice cream and walking around the mall.

 

[moshquerade]

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: moshquerade

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: moshquerade
so do you want children or not? yes or no.

I am up in the air about it. I come from a big family, so its easy for me to see the benefits of having them. However, I enjoy the personal freedom that not having kids has given me. My wife and I can pick up and go at a moments notice. We have the freedom to do what we want when we want. We can sleep in on weekends and not have to concern ourselves with a child.

I suppose if you put a gun to my head and told me to make a decision, I would go with what I have now and say no.

However, if my wife said she wanted a child, I would do it. I would also change my lifestyle to help out with this child. I would cut back on my hockey playing to 1 night a week instead of 3-4 like I am doing now. I would work hard at being there at all times for my wife and our child as much as possible. I am not afraid of change one bit.

I hope that answers your question.

so... have you point blanked asked her if she wants kids. yes or no?

i guess if you're both up in the air about it that means you really don't want them. hopefully you won't realize when you're old and it's too late that you should've had them.

Yes I have and she was saying no for the longest time. Now she says "I just don't know" but she goes from that to "no" very quickly after we take my 7 year old goddaughter out for ice cream and walking around the mall.

lol, yeh, i have nieces and nephews too. stinky diaper = returning them to parents.

good luck to you. although i still lean on the side of you two having children. whatever happens may you both be happy.

 

[bwatson283]

Originally posted by: moshquerade
so do you want children or not? yes or no.

I see this as a simple Yes/No question.
None of the i can go either way business.

What way is your gut turning, Y or N?

 

[vi edit]

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: MikeyLSU
well you either would rather have children or not, you will lean one way or the other(even if it is slight).

Would you rather go through the rest of your life watching a child grow up, or just be the 2 of you?

I don't understand why someone just can't be "in between" on the issue. Some people have a strong desire to have them and pass their genes on. Others do not. I am someone that fits right in the middle. I have analyzed this over and over again. I can see the benefits like playing hockey with my son or daughter. Watching them grow up. All the great things like that. However, I can also see the bad things as well. Then, I can see what I have now, the freedom and such.

I can honestly say that I do not enjoy having an infant. They can't tell you what's wrong. They wake up numerous times a night. They are sick more often than they are healthy. They puke. They poop. Going somewhere for an extended period of time is nothing short of a full on expedition. And daycare is $1200 a month.

It's not an easy, fun, or an economical endeavor.

But it gets better when they get older and can actually interact with you, help around the house, and do things you can brag about. Just know that you can pretty much write off doing anything for the first 18-24 months of their life. Even simple chores around the house are an adventure and something you have to plan for.

This has to be something that you are fully commited to. You can't just support her through the pregnancy and turn your back after the child is born. It takes an insane amount of teamwork and will test every ounce of patience that you have.

But you can sit around for ever with pros and cons on the situation. And it's A LOT easier to make up reasons for not having them. You just have to finally say "lets do it" and take the plunge. You'll pretty much wing it from there on out.

I can honestly say that the last 10 months of life have been an absolute blur. No more endless hours of sitting around doing nothing on weekends or after work. Time just flies since I'm constantly doing *something*. And you actually feel like you have more of a "purpose" now that you have a child. Plus, I never have appreciated an hour of free time at home more than I do now.

Each month seems to get a little better and better. Thinking back to "life before kids" just really seems pretty dull.