- Jun 7, 2000
- 9,099
- 19
- 81
... Today, on Days of our Lives... GeekDrew turns to ATOT once again to make a decision he cannot [without assistance or advice].
It's no secret to Anandtech that my nickname should be "Debbie Downer" (as SNL puts it; insert your favorite substitution as desired). I decided a few weeks ago that I had been enough of a burden on my close friends (heh.... and these are a couple of people that I only talk to online) for way too long... so I started distancing myself from them. I blocked one for a while... and then I was guilted into unblocking him. Still haven't talked to him tho, other than 'hi' and 'bye'. :-\
So, has anyone else ever just pushed everyone that was close to them as far away as possible, for whatever reason? My reasons are multiple, though the largest reason is that I'm tired of dragging them down, and the second is that I know I need to break my attachment to them. heh
It's not just online that I want to do this... I'd love nothing more than to just disappear from my current physical environment, and start a new life somewhere else. I'd probably send an unsigned snail mail letter back, via proxy, a few days later, to tell everyone that currently knows me that I left of my own will, to call off the manhunt that would probably be happening (no, I'm not exaggerating, it's happened before), etc. If I were able to take care of the IRL aspect of my life, then it would make my online identity and problems disappear altogether... my environment is what makes me so depressed (or at least it seems that way to me). But since I'm not able to just get up and move (for logistical reasons... I'm scared of the little things), I need to find a way to distance myself from the people that bring me hope (included in 'my attachment to them').
I become hopeful that things will improve for me, and they never do... I wish that things would happen... and it looks like they will... and at the last minute, all hell breaks loose, and no good comes of anything. As always. I just don't know how to handle the continual hopeful/hopeless feeling I'm getting. It feels like a roller coaster inside my heart (to adapt a phrase from a friend)... except in my case, the track is wooden and overused, and the wheels are about to fall off... it's destined for a fiery crash. I can see it coming, always getting nearer, but I don't know how to turn on the brakes, to avert crisis.
So far, the best advice I've gotten as to how to change my life is to go to college, because that will "change everything". I really don't see how it will change anything. I'm working a temp job right now (will be ending in a couple of days, probably), and I'm the only person there (AFAIK) that does not have a college degree. I'm working with some *VERY* smart people (computer engineers, electrical engineers, former businessmen, people from all trades), doing mundane stuff that skilled monkeys could do without fault. I hear all of these people telling me that college is the only way to get anywhere... but I see all of these people that have bachelor's or master's degrees, that are also looking for work. Most of them have been looking for any kind of work longer than I have been, and I've been looking since January.
I don't appear to be emotionally strong enough to get to college on my own, so I've asked (repeatedly
) for advice as to how I should go to college, why it's worth it, etc. The general consensus is that I just have to "tough up and do it". Well... I still don't get it.
I know that pushing everyone away is not an ideal situation, but I don't know what else to do. They bring me hope... and all that does is hurt. Then again, it's a bit of a double edged sword... not talking to my friends for the last couple of weeks has been nearly the worst feeling I've ever experienced. Every night I go to sleep, wondering or worried about them. Wanting to share something with them. But I cannot.
I feel so helpless.... so hopeless. I don't know what to do. The fear of the unknown that prevents me from going to college or just leaving where I am is the same fear that prevents me from committing suicide... so that's out. heh
Those of you that will say "go see a shrink/counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist/etc": that is not possible. Period. I've exhausted my resources in that area.
I doubt that anyone will have any advice for me.... but hopefully I'll be surprised. heh :-\
<edit>
I know I'm blowing a huge hole in my own plan by posting this here, but it's the only large community I know that might have advice. I suppose that if/when any of the people concerned herein read this message, they'll know why I've been distant... hopefully they'll understand.
It's no secret to Anandtech that my nickname should be "Debbie Downer" (as SNL puts it; insert your favorite substitution as desired). I decided a few weeks ago that I had been enough of a burden on my close friends (heh.... and these are a couple of people that I only talk to online) for way too long... so I started distancing myself from them. I blocked one for a while... and then I was guilted into unblocking him. Still haven't talked to him tho, other than 'hi' and 'bye'. :-\
So, has anyone else ever just pushed everyone that was close to them as far away as possible, for whatever reason? My reasons are multiple, though the largest reason is that I'm tired of dragging them down, and the second is that I know I need to break my attachment to them. heh
It's not just online that I want to do this... I'd love nothing more than to just disappear from my current physical environment, and start a new life somewhere else. I'd probably send an unsigned snail mail letter back, via proxy, a few days later, to tell everyone that currently knows me that I left of my own will, to call off the manhunt that would probably be happening (no, I'm not exaggerating, it's happened before), etc. If I were able to take care of the IRL aspect of my life, then it would make my online identity and problems disappear altogether... my environment is what makes me so depressed (or at least it seems that way to me). But since I'm not able to just get up and move (for logistical reasons... I'm scared of the little things), I need to find a way to distance myself from the people that bring me hope (included in 'my attachment to them').
I become hopeful that things will improve for me, and they never do... I wish that things would happen... and it looks like they will... and at the last minute, all hell breaks loose, and no good comes of anything. As always. I just don't know how to handle the continual hopeful/hopeless feeling I'm getting. It feels like a roller coaster inside my heart (to adapt a phrase from a friend)... except in my case, the track is wooden and overused, and the wheels are about to fall off... it's destined for a fiery crash. I can see it coming, always getting nearer, but I don't know how to turn on the brakes, to avert crisis.
So far, the best advice I've gotten as to how to change my life is to go to college, because that will "change everything". I really don't see how it will change anything. I'm working a temp job right now (will be ending in a couple of days, probably), and I'm the only person there (AFAIK) that does not have a college degree. I'm working with some *VERY* smart people (computer engineers, electrical engineers, former businessmen, people from all trades), doing mundane stuff that skilled monkeys could do without fault. I hear all of these people telling me that college is the only way to get anywhere... but I see all of these people that have bachelor's or master's degrees, that are also looking for work. Most of them have been looking for any kind of work longer than I have been, and I've been looking since January.
I don't appear to be emotionally strong enough to get to college on my own, so I've asked (repeatedly
) for advice as to how I should go to college, why it's worth it, etc. The general consensus is that I just have to "tough up and do it". Well... I still don't get it. I know that pushing everyone away is not an ideal situation, but I don't know what else to do. They bring me hope... and all that does is hurt. Then again, it's a bit of a double edged sword... not talking to my friends for the last couple of weeks has been nearly the worst feeling I've ever experienced. Every night I go to sleep, wondering or worried about them. Wanting to share something with them. But I cannot.
I feel so helpless.... so hopeless. I don't know what to do. The fear of the unknown that prevents me from going to college or just leaving where I am is the same fear that prevents me from committing suicide... so that's out. heh
Those of you that will say "go see a shrink/counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist/etc": that is not possible. Period. I've exhausted my resources in that area.
I doubt that anyone will have any advice for me.... but hopefully I'll be surprised. heh :-\
<edit>
I know I'm blowing a huge hole in my own plan by posting this here, but it's the only large community I know that might have advice. I suppose that if/when any of the people concerned herein read this message, they'll know why I've been distant... hopefully they'll understand.
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