Okay how's this for a segue from my last post
Who' going to be a wearing the green today?
I really miss when I lived in JAX and I used to go up to Savannah...
I believe they have the 2nd largest celebration in America
Here's a few Irish jokes (It's alright I can say them, I'm part Irish)
Q: What is the definition of an Irish queer?
A: An irishman who likes women better than whisky
1st Man: Oh hello, how are you, let me buy you a drink!
2nd Man: Why thank you." he replies. "Where are you from?
1st Man: Oh, I'm from Ireland," he replies.
2nd Man: You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.
1st Man: Of course!
And they both pour back their drinks....
2nd Man: So, where in Ireland are you from?
1st Man: Dublin," comes the reply.
2nd Man: I can't believe it says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!
1st Man: Aye! why not!" And both men continue drinking.
2nd Man: So, like... hmmmm... What school did you go to?
1st Man: St. Mary's, I graduated in '62.
2nd Man: You don't say! This is bloody unbelievable, I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!
1st Man: Noooo way???
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Oh nothing much," replies the bartender.
"The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
Seamus walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar,
and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick.
"Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty,
"Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone,
mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!
D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?
'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,'
said Murphy. 'Three!' shouted Ranagan.
'That's closr enough,' said Murphy.
Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,
"Your mum's the best shag in town!" and proceeds to burst into laughter...
Everyone expects a fight, but Collins gives the drunk a sligh look, ignores him,
picks up his drink and wonders off to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says,
"I just screwed your mother, and it was grand!"
Again Collins after a deep breath refuses to take the bait,
and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces,
"Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!"
Finally Collins interrupts.
"Go home, Dad,... you're pissed!"
Seamus do you understand French?
Of course I do, when it's spoken in Irish.
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.
"It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm so glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief...
Everybody keeps blaming me!"
An Irish man has just purchased a new chainsaw.
The man behind the counter said that it would cut down 50 trees.
Returning home the Irish man set out to use his new chainsaw.
After cutting down 40 trees he finds he is unable to cut down any more.
The Irish man is furious and returns straight back to the shop.
The shop assistant asks, "Is there a problem sir?"
The Irish man replies "Well yes, yes there is.
I purchased this chainsaw today and was told it would cut down 50 trees.
I got to 40 and it won't cut no more."
The assistant asks to take a look at the saw and he grabs hold of the starter pull.
One tug and the chainsaw bursts into life, 'vvvvv, vvvvv VVVVRRRMMM'.
The Irish mans jumps back in amazement...
"Holly Jeebies, what the ******** is all that noise!".
And in honor of all those who will be drinking green beer tomorrow
99 reasons why beer is better than women
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. hangovers eventually go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down gently.
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. *
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig
83. A beer will never make you see its parents
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer never watchs opera.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes good.
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
Like the warmth of the sun
And the light of the day,
May the luck of the Irish
shine bright on your way.
May the good saints protect you
And bless you today
And may troubles ignore you
Each step of the way
Grant me a sense of humor, Lord,
the saving grace to see a joke,
To win some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folks.
Have a GREAT St. Paddy's Day!
Who' going to be a wearing the green today?
I really miss when I lived in JAX and I used to go up to Savannah...
I believe they have the 2nd largest celebration in America
Here's a few Irish jokes (It's alright I can say them, I'm part Irish)
Q: What is the definition of an Irish queer?
A: An irishman who likes women better than whisky
1st Man: Oh hello, how are you, let me buy you a drink!
2nd Man: Why thank you." he replies. "Where are you from?
1st Man: Oh, I'm from Ireland," he replies.
2nd Man: You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.
1st Man: Of course!
And they both pour back their drinks....
2nd Man: So, where in Ireland are you from?
1st Man: Dublin," comes the reply.
2nd Man: I can't believe it says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!
1st Man: Aye! why not!" And both men continue drinking.
2nd Man: So, like... hmmmm... What school did you go to?
1st Man: St. Mary's, I graduated in '62.
2nd Man: You don't say! This is bloody unbelievable, I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!
1st Man: Noooo way???
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Oh nothing much," replies the bartender.
"The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
Seamus walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar,
and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick.
"Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty,
"Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone,
mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!
D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?
'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,'
said Murphy. 'Three!' shouted Ranagan.
'That's closr enough,' said Murphy.
Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,
"Your mum's the best shag in town!" and proceeds to burst into laughter...
Everyone expects a fight, but Collins gives the drunk a sligh look, ignores him,
picks up his drink and wonders off to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says,
"I just screwed your mother, and it was grand!"
Again Collins after a deep breath refuses to take the bait,
and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces,
"Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!"
Finally Collins interrupts.
"Go home, Dad,... you're pissed!"
Seamus do you understand French?
Of course I do, when it's spoken in Irish.
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.
"It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm so glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief...
Everybody keeps blaming me!"
An Irish man has just purchased a new chainsaw.
The man behind the counter said that it would cut down 50 trees.
Returning home the Irish man set out to use his new chainsaw.
After cutting down 40 trees he finds he is unable to cut down any more.
The Irish man is furious and returns straight back to the shop.
The shop assistant asks, "Is there a problem sir?"
The Irish man replies "Well yes, yes there is.
I purchased this chainsaw today and was told it would cut down 50 trees.
I got to 40 and it won't cut no more."
The assistant asks to take a look at the saw and he grabs hold of the starter pull.
One tug and the chainsaw bursts into life, 'vvvvv, vvvvv VVVVRRRMMM'.
The Irish mans jumps back in amazement...
"Holly Jeebies, what the ******** is all that noise!".
And in honor of all those who will be drinking green beer tomorrow
99 reasons why beer is better than women
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. hangovers eventually go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down gently.
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. *
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig
83. A beer will never make you see its parents
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer never watchs opera.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes good.
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
Like the warmth of the sun
And the light of the day,
May the luck of the Irish
shine bright on your way.
May the good saints protect you
And bless you today
And may troubles ignore you
Each step of the way
Grant me a sense of humor, Lord,
the saving grace to see a joke,
To win some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folks.
Have a GREAT St. Paddy's Day!
