Guys, I have a problem w/ my girlfriend and I don't know what to do...

[Touque]

Me:
----

I'm 19 (20 in 4 months) and I am in my first ever relationship w/ my girlfriend, who I have now been going out with for 5 months.

Her:
-----

She just turned 19, and she has a lot of problems in her life. Her family situation is basically from some freaky story. As a kid, not only was she fat and always made fun of, but her mom was married twice, both times to total losers. She has lived with about 10 different families, her step-father just kicked her out of her house about 2 months ago (so now she's lived at her great-aunts house for a month and just now moved in with her biological father). About 6 months ago, her mother killed herself. She left a $100,000 life insurance policy to her and her sister, which her step-father is suing for, and she isn't allowed to see her 2 year old sister, which she is trying to get visitation rights.

The problem:
--------------

For the last 4 months or so, we have been in all kinds of fights, but we always seem to work them out. It seems though that whenever we discuss a problem, she always tells me how I can never "understand" her problems. She can never accept any kind of criticisim either. She just says that what I say is hurtful (yet i say them as gently as possible). She seems not to be able to handle the truth from people, especially from me.

Anyway, the biggest problem is, I'm the best thing that has EVER come into her life. She has dated like 20 guys (We both lost our virginity to each other), and every single guy has been a creep or a loser. We've had lots of conversations about how we can see each other being together for a really long time. Her entire family thinks I'm the best guy the family has ever had. Some of her relatives (who have never met me) think I'm the 2nd comming of Christ.

Right now though, I don't know if I feel the same way towards her anymore. To me, she seems less attractive. She's about 6' and about 140 lbs. Not really fat, but not really thin either. Another thing that bothers me is her breasts are small (A 34). (I know thats getting petty, but it does bother me).

I keep thinking that I want to not see her anymore and find myself another beautiful girl that doesn't have all the problems my current GF has.

I probably don't realize how lucky I really am to have met my girlfriend because she truely is a great person who is quite attractive, but I'm just not feeling like I wan't to be with her.

I've probably rambled quite a bit, but I'm really confused. I mean, 1 month ago, I thought I could marry this girl and now, I dont feel that way. She's the first girl I've ever gone out with and I feel like I have an obligation to stay with her. I don't like to think about how hurt she would be if I left. She would totally fall to pieces. I know because she just wrote me a letter that said how much I mean to her and how I'm the only trust-worthy and stable thing in her life. I also hate to think what her relatives would think and...

I'm so confused right now. I want to stay with her, I want to leave her, and I'm scared of what might happen from both paths.

 

[calvinbiss]

1. you should never feel obligated to do things in a relationship, you should want to
2. if you are truely doubting the relationship, don't lead her on, its only gonna make it worse
3. the only person that can make her feel better about her situation, etc, is her, no matter how nice you are, and how much you are there for her, she needs to come to grips with it before it can be solved
- i had a girlfriend with similair, but not so servere problems (she was an abused child, parents split up, her parents worhsipped her borther and thought she was worthless, constantly failed at what she tried to do, and i also was her "saving grace." i eventaully had to break up with her becasue she was causing my life to be altered. i simply told her that she had to get her life together before she could think about having a life that involved someone else. that was over a year ago, and now she works full time, lives by herself, distanced herself from her parents, has gone back to school, and is generally a better and happier person for it. we are now the best odf friends, and i can see us getting back together once i am out of law school.

1, 2 and 3 are my opinions and i know they seem pesimisstic and all, but they are my experience

hope this helps

good luck

 

[NeoV]

sounds to me like another example of what growing up is all about...

140 for 6" tall doesn't sound too bad, and picking on her breast size is a bit odd if you are already together....

you care for her or you don't, simple as that

 

[Novgrod]

Personally, i think this might be one of those things you need to settle for yourself.

If I were you, I'd be 100 times more concerned about emotional problems betwixt the two of you than something like concerns over her physical attributes.

 

[abc]

how about seeing how you feel a month from now, give it a breather, then see if you still feel same (that is, moving on) cuz maybe this is a temporary thing.

 

[Orsorum]

Your situation (in regards to your attitude towards your gf) sounds like my last big relationship was...

IMO, your relationship isn't going to last. Yes, she has had a horrible life. I've met people who have had worse. That doesn't make it alright for her to avoid criticism or rail at you because of it.

Never stay in a relationship because of "obligation". You'll be miserable for it.

I felt the same way you did (uncertain about the consequences of either path) about three weeks before my gf of a year and I broke up (I broke up with her). I was really uncertain of myself, and really insecure about my own physical appearance, and how I related to other women...

With time, I've realized that I have so much more to offer than she gave me credit for... I'm taking responsibility for my life, my relationships, and my path in life... my relationship with God (which may or may not be a factor for you), and my own educational path. Had I stayed with her... yes, my path would have supposedly been more certain... but I also would not possess the self-assurance and confidence that I do now.

Good luck and Godspeed, whichever path you choose.

 

[AmazonRasta]

You need to stop posting on a computer related forum about your sh!tty sex life with your girlfriend.

 

[Johnlee]

Dump the whore and the old man avatar.

Take a three day singles cruise to your local latin country. Have fun. STFU.

Good Luck!

 

[silverpig]

I started going out with a girl a few years ago and thought she was normal. Then she told me (all in one sentence mind you), that she was deaf in one ear, was adopted, and her adoptive father left her adoptive mother cause he found out he was gay. I thought about breaking it off there cause I didn't want to have to deal with all of that, but it didn't bother her at all, and she was really cool about it. That turned out to be the best relationship I've had so far. We broke up later though, but still...

(btw, she had 34 B/C... I thought they were small cause my previous ex had 36 C/D, but now my preference is a perfect 34 B/C just like hers )

 

[Buzzman151]

<< Right now though, I don't know if I feel the same way towards her anymore. To me, she seems less attractive. She's about 6' and about 140 lbs. Not really fat, but not really thin either. Another thing that bothers me is her breasts are small (A 34). (I know thats getting petty, but it does bother me). >>



6"10 and 140, she should be pretty damn skinny.... if not she's not... you need to get out the tape measure again and get off the crack



<< I'm 19 (20 in 4 months) and I am in my first ever relationship w/ my girlfriend, who I have now been going out with for 5 months. >>



remember buddy... beggars can't be choosers ..... and by this I"m talking about you, not her

 

[calvinbiss]

<< Take a three day singles cruise to your local latin country. Have fun >>



think everyone could use one of these

 

[Touque]

"you care for her or you don't, simple as that"

I don't think it is as simple as that. I care for her a great deal. I'm just confused at the moment.

"You need to stop posting on a computer related forum about your sh!tty sex life with your girlfriend."

I don;t have a sh!tty sex life. Sex has nothing to do with this situation.

Everyone else,

I appreciate your comments and advice.

 

[Daniel]

Well I can hit these on a point by point basis, but first off it sounds like you need to take a real look in the mirror and see what you really want, and a BBS isn't going to do that for you.



<< For the last 4 months or so, we have been in all kinds of fights, but we always seem to work them out. It seems though that whenever we discuss a problem, she always tells me how I can never "understand" her problems. She can never accept any kind of criticisim either. She just says that what I say is hurtful (yet i say them as gently as possible). She seems not to be able to handle the truth from people, especially from me. >>



There are 2 ways to take that, one of which is from your side believing you are doing nothing but trying to help and she really can't take criticism, somehow I don't think we are getting the full story though. If you are saying something hurtful then I'd imagine she has the right to be hurt, sometimes things need to be said if it is the truth though, sort of leads into the 2nd point.



<< Anyway, the biggest problem is, I'm the best thing that has EVER come into her life. She has dated like 20 guys (We both lost our virginity to each other), and every single guy has been a creep or a loser. >>



Hmm, it does sound like she has had a hard life, but you might not want to give yourself so much credit, especially after your later comments about her looks. Many if not all people will look back on bad relationships and say it was the worst thing ever, the fact still remains that they got with the other person for a reason in the first place. Whether they were wrong in the long run or not, they still saw something at one point. And maybe after a few months she felt happy about those other people too. Not to knock you all the way down or anything but you don't really believe you are the best thing in the world that could happen to her do you?



<< Right now though, I don't know if I feel the same way towards her anymore. To me, she seems less attractive. She's about 6' and about 140 lbs. Not really fat, but not really thin either. Another thing that bothers me is her breasts are small (A 34). (I know thats getting petty, but it does bother me). >>



Ugh, you got with her and found her attractive so you obviously saw something, hell even later in the post you say she is quite attractive. Also if the weight and breast size thing really didn't bother you then you wouldn't have posted it in the first place, but you did.



<<
I've probably rambled quite a bit, but I'm really confused. I mean, 1 month ago, I thought I could marry this girl and now, I dont feel that way. She's the first girl I've ever gone out with and I feel like I have an obligation to stay with her. I don't like to think about how hurt she would be if I left. She would totally fall to pieces. I know because she just wrote me a letter that said how much I mean to her and how I'm the only trust-worthy and stable thing in her life. I also hate to think what her relatives would think and... >>



Welcome to first real relationship syndrome... most people have pretty much felt they were going to marry that person. As for an obligation, if you really don't feel you want to be with her your only obligation is to be honest, not just go through the motions because you think it is your duty, trust me you really wouldn't be doing her a favor by doing that.

Like I said in the begining, look at what you are writing, heck at least wait until tomorrow, or maybe a few days and look at it again, do you still feel the same way? If so then you have some choices to make, and again they aren't ones we are going to make for you.

Either way, good luck,
Daniel

 

[Orsorum]

<<
Everyone else,

I appreciate your comments and advice. >>



Again, good luck with the situation. Keep us updated. (you'll spot, with a few exceptions, some of the jerks here fairly quickly )

 

[Touque]

<< 6"10 and 140, she should be pretty damn skinny.... if not she's not... you need to get out the tape measure again and get off the crack >>



She is 6 feet 0 inches. not 6 feet 10 inches

 

[Orsorum]

<< Welcome to first real relationship syndrome... most people have pretty much felt they were going to marry that person. As for an obligation, if you really don't feel you want to be with her your only obligation is to be honest, not just go through the motions because you think it is your duty, trust me you really wouldn't be doing her a favor by doing that.

Like I said in the begining, look at what you are writing, heck at least wait until tomorrow, or maybe a few days and look at it again, do you still feel the same way? If so then you have some choices to make, and again they aren't ones we are going to make for you.
>>



Wise words, Daniel. True to my own experience.

 

[gopunk]

i really think you should just get out. if you have doubts as to her mental health, perhaps instruct somebody to look after her and be prepared to send her to a hospital. but you gotta get out. don't let her drag you down with her with all her chaos and crap. get the hell out and remind yourself to not go after unstable people next time.

 

[Polgara]

I'm so confused right now. I want to stay with her, I want to leave her, and I'm scared of what might happen from both paths.

If you are like most guys, reaching 19 and still being a virgin was lack of opportunity. You have now tasted the golden fruit, and........it just isn't really that golden any more.

1. Stop screwing her. She's been screwed by enough people already.
2. Give up the porn. No girl is going to be fresh new download every day. You get to know her every nook and crany and where's the mystery? Nowhere. In a long term relationship you find all kinds of nasty things about your partner that is true of everyone, but not up to fantasy level.
3. Date her and see if you like who she really is. Later on, you will spend a whole lot more time outside the sack than in if you stay together.


Sarah <== wishing she could talk to the girl

 

[mrCide]

<< I'm so confused right now. I want to stay with her, I want to leave her, and I'm scared of what might happen from both paths.

If you are like most guys, reaching 19 and still being a virgin was lack of opportunity. You have now tasted the golden fruit, and........it just isn't really that golden any more.

1. Stop screwing her. She's been screwed by enough people already.
2. Give up the porn. No girl is going to be fresh new download every day. You get to know her every nook and crany and where's the mystery? Nowhere. In a long term relationship you find all kinds of nasty things about your partner that is true of everyone, but not up to fantasy level.
3. Date her and see if you like who she really is. Later on, you will spend a whole lot more time outside the sack than in if you stay together.


Sarah <== wishing she could talk to the girl >>

..they've been together for 5 months not 2 weeks, give him a little more credit.

 

[gopunk]

<< I'm so confused right now. I want to stay with her, I want to leave her, and I'm scared of what might happen from both paths.

If you are like most guys, reaching 19 and still being a virgin was lack of opportunity. You have now tasted the golden fruit, and........it just isn't really that golden any more.

1. Stop screwing her. She's been screwed by enough people already.
2. Give up the porn. No girl is going to be fresh new download every day. You get to know her every nook and crany and where's the mystery? Nowhere. In a long term relationship you find all kinds of nasty things about your partner that is true of everyone, but not up to fantasy level.
3. Date her and see if you like who she really is. Later on, you will spend a whole lot more time outside the sack than in if you stay together.


Sarah <== wishing she could talk to the girl >>





you are clearly looking at this from the girl's point of view. this is not about her, this is about what is best for touque. staying with some chaotic mess of a girl is bad times. he needs to get out and get out quickly, instead of sticking around to be the nice guy that attempts to "save" her. i say "attempts" because it will never work and he'll just end up terribly miserable.

 

[Polgara]

..they've been together for 5 months not 2 weeks, give him a little more credit.

Maybe it's been awhile since you were with your first, but sex (by itself) can keep that first relationship going for half a year.

Sarah <== wishin' her first had gone differently

Edit: I don't really mean to be harsh. I've got a few bad experiences in my past.

Answer me this:

Where you used to look at girls and just think about how hot she is, do you know think that you could have some of that?

 

[SmirnoffIsTasty]

Weird, I was in a very similar situation, w/ the girl for almost 7 months. I dumped her today. Just do it.

 

[Touque]

Daniel,



<< There are 2 ways to take that, one of which is from your side believing you are doing nothing but trying to help and she really can't take criticism, somehow I don't think we are getting the full story though. If you are saying something hurtful then I'd imagine she has the right to be hurt, sometimes things need to be said if it is the truth though >>



For the most part, it is basically the full story. There have been times where I haven't used the best wording. I've never verbally abused her or anything like that, but sometimes I say something that doesn't always come out right. Something like the word "Always" or "Never" or just saying something at a bad time when she is already down from something else.

An example is when she found out that her step-father changed his mind on an agreement where she could see her sister. He changed his mind on how long and how often he could see her. She was really upset about this. I then told her that even though the legal system is screwed up, he has the legal right to do this. I told her that she has to play the same game and just try to negotiate a deal because in court, he step-father would likely win the case. She blew up at me because "you just dont say my biggest fear that I'm gonna get slammed in court" when I'm already bothered by this.

Things like this. While I may use poor wording, I usually correct myself, but she says because she's a girl, what I said first plays in her mind like a video over and over.



<< Hmm, it does sound like she has had a hard life, but you might not want to give yourself so much credit, especially after your later comments about her looks. Many if not all people will look back on bad relationships and say it was the worst thing ever, the fact still remains that they got with the other person for a reason in the first place. Whether they were wrong in the long run or not, they still saw something at one point. And maybe after a few months she felt happy about those other people too. Not to knock you all the way down or anything but you don't really believe you are the best thing in the world that could happen to her do you? >>



I don't mean to sound like the best thing ever (bad wording I guess). I just know that she has said that her life has been one big dissapointment after another, and that I am the first good thing to happen to her. (she believes in fate and says that fate brought us together - which I don't believe in)



<< Ugh, you got with her and found her attractive so you obviously saw something, hell even later in the post you say she is quite attractive. Also if the weight and breast size thing really didn't bother you then you wouldn't have posted it in the first place, but you did. >>



I still find her quite attractive, but maybe because I'm so uncertain that these things are bothering me more than usual. Her weight is fine and I already know she is working out and toning up. The breast size always kinda bugged me because I always pictured girlfriend to have bigger boobs. I'm not overly concerned about them though. I guess the situation is making things seem like more of an issue.

 

[badluck]

You are 20 and this is your first relationship? What do you (realistically) think your chances of hopping into another relationship are? I mean, you are talking about finding a beautiful woman, but if you are 20 and this is your first relationship, you might want to set your sights a little lower. Maybe, what you meant was that this is your first "serious" relationship???

OTOH, I hate being in a relationship with girls who have a lot of problems. I live my life a certain way and people with too much baggage wear on me. Carpe Diem!!

Good luck....

 

[gotsmack]

the difference between guys and girls is that:

when a guy tells you his problems it is because he is fielding options.

When a girl tells u her problems it is because she just needs someone to listen.