Good Standup jokes

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Glitchny

Diamond Member
Sep 4, 2002
5,679
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hey guys, im doing a project for a class and my group and i are just looking for good stand up jokes and was wondering if anybody has any suggestions. We are generally looking for pg-13 jokes, unfortunately no Carlin :-(

I know somebody is gonna say "do your own work" and we are, just its a pain wading through bad standup looking for actual funny clips, so any links etc will be helpful.

thanks
glitchny
 
S

SlitheryDee

"You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons ? incredible weapons." "How do you know that?" "Uh, well ? we looked at the receipts."

"Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you."

That's Bill Hicks. There are lots of better ones, but very few of them could be considered PG-13.

 
C

Chronoshock

Diamond Member
Jul 6, 2004
4,860
1
81
Emulating certain comics is difficult without a matching personality and speaking style. I'm guessing the assignment is supposed to be a fun version of public speaking and all they want is for you to show confidence, timing, preparation, clarity, all that. I don't think anyone will care if it's a handful of random jokes or multiple sets of related jokes. If they do care and you're supposed to sound like a real standup act, then it seems you're way underprepared...
 
Y

yakko

Lifer
Apr 18, 2000
25,455
2
0
1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef!

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver
Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.....
 
G

Glitchny

Diamond Member
Sep 4, 2002
5,679
1
0
Originally posted by: Chronoshock
Emulating certain comics is difficult without a matching personality and speaking style. I'm guessing the assignment is supposed to be a fun version of public speaking and all they want is for you to show confidence, timing, preparation, clarity, all that. I don't think anyone will care if it's a handful of random jokes or multiple sets of related jokes. If they do care and you're supposed to sound like a real standup act, then it seems you're way underprepared...
Click to expand...

nah nothing like that, our in game character just has to deliver in game jokes based on our triggered events, we just need some funny ones for him to say, everything else is set up. So random jokes is pretty much what we are looking for
 
G

Glitchny

Diamond Member
Sep 4, 2002
5,679
1
0
Originally posted by: yakko
1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef!

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver
Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.....
Click to expand...

haha some of these are pretty good, thanx if you have anymore dont be shy
 
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