Give us your best... Jokes!

techgamer

Senior member
Sep 19, 2007
572
0
0
here is my contribution...
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Cheers
 

Rudee

Lifer
Apr 23, 2000
11,218
2
76
How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?
























.... With a crowbar!
 

krotchy

Golden Member
Mar 29, 2006
1,942
0
76
Originally posted by: pontifex
Better Nate than lever!

K, good its been said. But we all know it wont stop someone who thinks hes the funniest and most original person ever from copy pasting in the whole 9 mile long joke, and then 10 more people from quoting said joke, causing this thread to be unreadable.
 

iRONic

Diamond Member
Jan 28, 2006
6,781
2,050
136
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel. "

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
 

NoStateofMind

Diamond Member
Oct 14, 2005
9,711
6
76
Originally posted by: iRONic
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel. "

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"

:thumbsup: I lol'd


A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks "What'l it be sonny?" "I want a shot of your 40yr old scotch". The bartender reaches down and grabs 10yr old scotch thinking the man wouldn't know the difference and pours the shot "Here you are" while smiling. The man takes the shot and exclaims "Bleh! This is NOT forty year old scotch! It's 10yr old scotch!". The bartender surprised responds "I'm sorry sir, I'll get it for you". The bartender then reaches down into the cabinet behind him and grabs 30yr old scotch thinking there is no way in hell this guy could tell the difference. He pours the shot and the man takes a drink and responds "This is not 40 year old scotch! Its 30yr old scotch! I want 40yr old scotch now damnit!". The bartender amazed by this man apologizes "I am completely sorry sir, I will go to the cellar and retrieve the 40yr old scotch and you shall have it on the house". The man waits patiently for the bartender to return. He comes back with a dusty bottle and opens it up, pours the shot. The man takes the drink and says "Now THATS 40yr old scotch, tastes great!". Meanwhile during this whole time an old man was watching from the back, he walks up to the man and hands him a drink "Try this" says the old man. The man takes the drink "OH MY GOD! THAT TASTES LIKE PISS!", the old man replies "Yes it is, now tell me how old I am".

:D