Koing
Elite Member <br> Super Moderator<br> Health and F
- Oct 11, 2000
- 17,090
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<< I've tried the "let's be open and honest about everything" approach before and it really gets bad because, as I said above, women (particularly when it comes to relationships) a lot of the time don't really have good reasons for what they do. They just do it. So while you're perfectly reasonable and clear about what you feel and what you want and why you feel that way and want what you do, she'll not say much and what she does say will go without explanation because, really nobody can explain why she feels or acts that way. >>
so true.
The same thing happened with me and this girl 2 years ago. I felt bummed for a while. The best thing to do here is to forget her and go out and have your fun. You will meet a girl you like soon enough, plenty of times to meet LOADS of girls.
Nothing more you can do in your situation if you've tried to reason and talk about it and she doesn't want to. Same in my situation. Now me and this girl NEVER talk but I don't mind or care anymore. I just don't have her and what could have been playing on my mind and eatng me up. Now I am free of that and we had fun for a while. And I take it you enjoyed your time with her so thats good. Not all relationships are going to work especially the early ones for most.
Well hope you feel better.......
up.... spilling my guts anonymously to the 80k people at anandtech.... i love it 
ok i also gathered from the responses - 'its a meaningless H.S. relationship, get over it'. so no one has to rub that in some more
ok i also gathered from the responses - 'its a meaningless H.S. relationship, get over it'. so no one has to rub that in some more
<< girls like guys who hang out with guys who is a real man, who is difficult to obtain. thats why she doesn't like you anymore you were too easy (aka whipped). it seems to me girls are immature at this age when choosing men and play too many games. I'm an a$$hole to most girls for now since it works out that way right now, but i'm thinking of being a mix of asshole/nice guy. anyways try and find another girl get away from this one, she'll come back. >>
If you want REAL advice, don't listen to the guy above. lol Real women don't want a guy who acts like an asshole and plays too hard to get. That's a huge turnoff. However, I think this girl [your friend] sounds a lot like one of my friends. IF she is like my friend, then it has absolutely nothing to do with you. She [my friend] has some kind of mental hangup about relationships -- she'll like someone a lot, maybe even for a long time, but as soon as they're in a relationship it falls apart and she loses interest. She goes on about how she feels so bad about it and how she wants to keep liking him and everything is going so well, and he's being a great boyfriend, etc, etc.. but it falls apart anyway.
That is the kind of girl that tends to stick around longer with guys who act like assholes (ie. ones with some kind of mental issues involving relationships - they don't want real, functional relationships). Whenever my friend is in a relationship with a guy who says he'll come over or call but then doesn't, or things like that, she ends up wanting the relationship more, even though she's miserable the whole time and thinks he's an asshole the whole time.
To me, that's not the way to go on relationships at all. It's really messed up and nobody is actually happy. All that said, though, your friend might not be like that. It could be something completely different, but that's just my opinion.
Just my opinion, but this may have pissed her off right here...
<< We got together in the beginning of January.... but a week later it started going downhill. It all started one night, when she was babysitting, and I went to go see her. I stayed for a while, then I went to a party, and she said she'd call me when she got out of babysitting and she'd come too. But she never did, but I didn't think twice about it cause maybe she got out too late or something. >>
Maybe she didn't want you to go to the party, she wanted you to stay with her? It may be silly, but it might be just the thing to get her upset.
<< We got together in the beginning of January.... but a week later it started going downhill. It all started one night, when she was babysitting, and I went to go see her. I stayed for a while, then I went to a party, and she said she'd call me when she got out of babysitting and she'd come too. But she never did, but I didn't think twice about it cause maybe she got out too late or something. >>
Maybe she didn't want you to go to the party, she wanted you to stay with her? It may be silly, but it might be just the thing to get her upset.
<< Okay, don't take this as a smart ass response and this is purely commenting.
I'm starting to think that being single is more simple to live then in a relationship.
Can someone tell me exactly what the perks are in a relationship? So far all I see is trouble.
Jero <--- starting to realize how fortunate he is being single >>
Jero, maybe you just haven't found that special someone. The thing is, you'll understand what most people go through even with the wrong person. It's just one of those things that you learn through experience. But you're right, being single is a helluva lot simpler than living with a relationship.
BlazingSaddles, just move on. It'll be hard, but you can count it as a positive experience. If this happens again in the near future (let's hope it won't), then you'll have the information needed to act accordingly-AND WITH DIGNITY. Don't let her get the best of you. Leave her behind...she'll eventually catch up if she wants to, but until then, stop neglecting your *real* friends
some ppl after a relationship, needs time to rethink, and replan and get her self together, so there will be a time when she will come back and apopogize for her lameness.
some ppl needs years to overcome a relatioinshipe, some ppl needs couple weeks.....depends on the person....
personally i think u r stupid for acting out on her when she apologized to you about that basketball thing....cause its really hard for a girl to apologize....
u r doing the rite thing now, but you can call her once awhile just to say good nite and stuff and nothing more...don't try to bring up conversations if she dosen't....
if you just wanna be friends, then don't call her, and maybe a month later, pretend nothing happend and everythin will be fine....cause rite now u can't pretend nothing happend...so does she...
i dun like to type, but ur situation is easy......so just be nice, don't get mad at her, thats how girls r....
some ppl needs years to overcome a relatioinshipe, some ppl needs couple weeks.....depends on the person....
personally i think u r stupid for acting out on her when she apologized to you about that basketball thing....cause its really hard for a girl to apologize....
u r doing the rite thing now, but you can call her once awhile just to say good nite and stuff and nothing more...don't try to bring up conversations if she dosen't....
if you just wanna be friends, then don't call her, and maybe a month later, pretend nothing happend and everythin will be fine....cause rite now u can't pretend nothing happend...so does she...
i dun like to type, but ur situation is easy......so just be nice, don't get mad at her, thats how girls r....
what the bloody...
Can someone tell me exactly what the perks are in a relationship?
Look mate, what are the perks of getting out of bed every morning? I mean, there's no real point, eh. You go, maybe earn some money, maybe learn something, maybe interact with someone. Then go to bed and it's the same sort of thing over and over again. Then why a relationship? Well, no real point either, given that there is nothing for you to gain, right? Look, a relationship isn't about you. As much as it may please you to know that you're important, the world doesn't give a rat's arse about you and any perks you gain out of the relationship. Maybe if you think of a relationship as a work-in-progress that allows you to experience yourself more fully and another person, you'll see that much much more is possible with another than by yourself alone. No matter how comforting solitude is, a system functions better in interdependence with active support and through the utilization of feedback loops. So yeah, there are no perks in a relationship. Might as well call it quits now, you've figured it all out rather early
Oh and BlazingSaddles, HotChic gave you the right solution so I won't bother adding too much. Don't shorten your life by worrying about these things. In a few years, they'll be a hazy memory.
Cheers !
Can someone tell me exactly what the perks are in a relationship?
Look mate, what are the perks of getting out of bed every morning? I mean, there's no real point, eh. You go, maybe earn some money, maybe learn something, maybe interact with someone. Then go to bed and it's the same sort of thing over and over again. Then why a relationship? Well, no real point either, given that there is nothing for you to gain, right? Look, a relationship isn't about you. As much as it may please you to know that you're important, the world doesn't give a rat's arse about you and any perks you gain out of the relationship. Maybe if you think of a relationship as a work-in-progress that allows you to experience yourself more fully and another person, you'll see that much much more is possible with another than by yourself alone. No matter how comforting solitude is, a system functions better in interdependence with active support and through the utilization of feedback loops. So yeah, there are no perks in a relationship. Might as well call it quits now, you've figured it all out rather early
Oh and BlazingSaddles, HotChic gave you the right solution so I won't bother adding too much. Don't shorten your life by worrying about these things. In a few years, they'll be a hazy memory.
Cheers !
I wouldn't talk to her. I would even try to do something mean. Pee on her shoes. That will get her talking to ya! If not, don't worry about it. Hang out with some friends, meet some other girls. Life goes on.
What I would do...is give up on talking to her. Well actually, give one more attempt on getting things out in the open. Do it face to face. It's harder, but its better. If she stil doesn't respond, then forget it. She's not worth it, making you unhappy all the time. It doesn't seem like she cares about your friendship, so why should you put so much effort into her? It's just not worth it. Same thing with the friend that she got in a fight with. If she doesn't even try to heal the wounds, thens he obviously doesn't value the relationship. Move on to better people.
<< Women are strange creatures, in many cases let them come to you. Trying to maintain contact with one by yourself is 'cute' at first, but after the novelty wears off, they won't want anything to do with you. Fact of life, you gotta live with it. Let them come to you. >>
It's very true, actually... jaydee speaks wisely. It's difficult, because you seem to have an innate need to 'make the situation better', or to 'see how she's feeling'... and you have to get past that, and get past your own desire to control the relationship. In a sense, to force yourself to say 'screw it', move on, and let her make the moves for a while.
If you keep pursuing her, it seems to me like she'll just keep drawing away. Let her go for a bit and make up her mind.
Thanks guys, all the responses helped. I am going go on with my life w/o her, its not really that big of a deal. She plays a sport on a national level, so she's busy about 4 hours a day every day of the week. Thus I have never actually been around only her all the time, I've always kept my other friends as well. The only problem is her best friend, I am very very close to too (though I know this time it will never be anything more than friends), so thats a little tough....
"Okay, don't take this as a smart ass response and this is purely commenting.
I'm starting to think that being single is more simple to live then in a relationship.
Can someone tell me exactly what the perks are in a relationship? So far all I see is trouble.
Jero <--- starting to realize how fortunate he is being single"
Tell me something! You're so right! LOL!
The irony here is men try to second-guess women whilst women do the same. But the secret here is women keep it in their minds or share it with their close friends, whilst men openly expose their dismay. Of course I speak generally. So, before you all speak of women like that, try to picture yourselves and how confused we are of you guys!
BlazingSaddles: "While we were best friends we would talk on the phone everyday and hang out every weekend, whether it was with a group or by ourselves."
Gosh! It almost sounds like you were with or around each other 24/7. Tip of the day, hon': Rushed relationships virtually never work. Don't ask me to explain the interconnections.
"Finally, the past few days, she's been really ignoring me, every time I talk to her in school she is quiet and basically disagrees with everything I say."
Can't you just agree to always disagree with her or just switch your position?
Become a sophist if you aren't already one! Hehehe!
"Her best friend (who i was very good friends w/ too) kept telling me I try too hard and to give her her space."
Hon', once that line is said, we know there's a problem. Give her a breathing space for God's sake. What's with you chasing her as though there's no tomorrow? When one has to tell her friend stuff like that you know there's a big problem.
"This week sometime, I want to make her come by my house after school so we can get everything out in the open and talk about everything. basically what is up with her."
Hon', you sound like a control freak . . . I say this with all due respect. I'm afraid you're trying to play a father's role instead of a friend's/bf's. What biz have you pushing it on with someone who's made it clear she does not wish to carry it on with you at the rate you're going? And that you would want to invite her to your own house for such purpose is kinda weird to me. . . .
"'maybe we shouldn't be together because i keep hurting you with these little things.'"
It sounds typically like the line a guy would be saying. So when you have a lady telling you that, we know there's an irrepairable problem amidst us.
"Point is, this is the most stubborn girl I have ever dealt with, I have other situations as evidence as well."
Hon', I'm afraid you are the one who's not being realistic here. You sound rather controling (or rather possessive) and when she does not submit to your authority, you call her stubborn. What's up with that? She's not the first lady to make such demands or draw such lines. I sure do draw them and know many ladies who do too.
"I thought it was different wiht us, but I guess not."
Keep dreaming, hon'. But when you wake up to reality, here's some stuff you seem to overlook: Did you note that you referred to up to three people as this lady's "best friend"? It seems to me this is a cycle and her nature. What made you think one who goes through a cycle of so-called "best friends" would make you an exception? You are simply having a taste of her nature which you chose to overlook in the past.
You know what makes this whole thing worse? Your so-called best friend sounds like a very confused lady. It seems she's either going through a phase of confusion within herself . . . personal internal battles of her own ot it's simply her nature. So, when you're all over her as though her world revolves around you, you are suffocating her and making her recovery much slower. She most certainly has relationship issues and can't seem to know how to maintain them.
Secondly, you have stated that she's had a history of what appears to be grudges she holds against people. That takes so much energy . . . so, why would you want to be around someone with such negative spirit? If you choose to remain close friends with her, then you must possess patience and give her space to let go of whatever lump of hurt feelings or grudges she has against you or even the "lack" of emotion she shows toward you.
Lastly, as far as I'm concerned, relationships with best friends is always a bad idea. The only good thing is that you can always amend things with each other if your relationship doesn't work. In other words, you can get back to close friendship, except of course on those instances where either party had engaged in an unforgiveable activity/conduct.
So, if you still want close friendship with her, you can have it. You just need to calm down and back off. Right now you come across as a control freak or as though you claim ownership to her (possessive, in other words). Give her space and give yourself space. Relax, get rid of those feelings, for you still seem to possess those feelings--despite your claim that you just want friendship. There's no way you can revert to best friends if you still have such feelings for her, which is not reciprocated.
Okay, I tell ya all of these with all due respect. I hope you accept my input simply as such (i.e., an opinion)!
P.S.: "I ask her what happened and she was ilke I didn't feel like doing it."
This line was cracking me up. You didn't make any advances at her, did you?
I'm messing with ya! Hehehe!
I'm starting to think that being single is more simple to live then in a relationship.
Can someone tell me exactly what the perks are in a relationship? So far all I see is trouble.
Jero <--- starting to realize how fortunate he is being single"
Tell me something! You're so right! LOL!
The irony here is men try to second-guess women whilst women do the same. But the secret here is women keep it in their minds or share it with their close friends, whilst men openly expose their dismay. Of course I speak generally.
So, before you all speak of women like that, try to picture yourselves and how confused we are of you guys! BlazingSaddles: "While we were best friends we would talk on the phone everyday and hang out every weekend, whether it was with a group or by ourselves."
Gosh! It almost sounds like you were with or around each other 24/7. Tip of the day, hon': Rushed relationships virtually never work. Don't ask me to explain the interconnections.
"Finally, the past few days, she's been really ignoring me, every time I talk to her in school she is quiet and basically disagrees with everything I say."
Can't you just agree to always disagree with her or just switch your position?
Hehehe! "Her best friend (who i was very good friends w/ too) kept telling me I try too hard and to give her her space."
Hon', once that line is said, we know there's a problem. Give her a breathing space for God's sake. What's with you chasing her as though there's no tomorrow? When one has to tell her friend stuff like that you know there's a big problem.
"This week sometime, I want to make her come by my house after school so we can get everything out in the open and talk about everything. basically what is up with her."
Hon', you sound like a control freak . . . I say this with all due respect. I'm afraid you're trying to play a father's role instead of a friend's/bf's. What biz have you pushing it on with someone who's made it clear she does not wish to carry it on with you at the rate you're going? And that you would want to invite her to your own house for such purpose is kinda weird to me. . . .
"'maybe we shouldn't be together because i keep hurting you with these little things.'"
It sounds typically like the line a guy would be saying. So when you have a lady telling you that, we know there's an irrepairable problem amidst us.
"Point is, this is the most stubborn girl I have ever dealt with, I have other situations as evidence as well."
Hon', I'm afraid you are the one who's not being realistic here. You sound rather controling (or rather possessive) and when she does not submit to your authority, you call her stubborn. What's up with that? She's not the first lady to make such demands or draw such lines. I sure do draw them and know many ladies who do too.
"I thought it was different wiht us, but I guess not."
Keep dreaming, hon'. But when you wake up to reality, here's some stuff you seem to overlook: Did you note that you referred to up to three people as this lady's "best friend"? It seems to me this is a cycle and her nature. What made you think one who goes through a cycle of so-called "best friends" would make you an exception? You are simply having a taste of her nature which you chose to overlook in the past.
You know what makes this whole thing worse? Your so-called best friend sounds like a very confused lady. It seems she's either going through a phase of confusion within herself . . . personal internal battles of her own ot it's simply her nature. So, when you're all over her as though her world revolves around you, you are suffocating her and making her recovery much slower. She most certainly has relationship issues and can't seem to know how to maintain them.
Secondly, you have stated that she's had a history of what appears to be grudges she holds against people. That takes so much energy . . . so, why would you want to be around someone with such negative spirit? If you choose to remain close friends with her, then you must possess patience and give her space to let go of whatever lump of hurt feelings or grudges she has against you or even the "lack" of emotion she shows toward you.
Lastly, as far as I'm concerned, relationships with best friends is always a bad idea. The only good thing is that you can always amend things with each other if your relationship doesn't work. In other words, you can get back to close friendship, except of course on those instances where either party had engaged in an unforgiveable activity/conduct.
So, if you still want close friendship with her, you can have it. You just need to calm down and back off. Right now you come across as a control freak or as though you claim ownership to her (possessive, in other words). Give her space and give yourself space. Relax, get rid of those feelings, for you still seem to possess those feelings--despite your claim that you just want friendship. There's no way you can revert to best friends if you still have such feelings for her, which is not reciprocated.
Okay, I tell ya all of these with all due respect. I hope you accept my input simply as such (i.e., an opinion)!
P.S.: "I ask her what happened and she was ilke I didn't feel like doing it."
This line was cracking me up.
You didn't make any advances at her, did you?
Hehehe!wow indepth analysis luvly good though, tell it like it is...
Some of your points I agree with, others I'm not so sure. look, i know it sounded like i was a control freak, but I really don't think thats how it is... (maybei 'm just in denial but just listen)
a)"Her best friend (who i was very good friends w/ too) kept telling me I try too hard and to give her her space."
everytime she said that I told her I was trying to give her space, and asked her how i was being too controllnig. she said i don't know. I really DIDN'T try too hard though, I called her occasionally, tried to hang out with her. maybe it was cause i was persistant but i figured her cold-shoulder treatment was just gonna be temporary. anyway i can't really explain it, but i did not call her multiple times a day or something
b)While we were best friends we would talk on the phone everyday and hang out every weekend, whether it was with a group or by ourselves."
we tried to hang out as much as possible, but it usually didn't happen because she was always so busy w/ her sport training (30 hours a week). Also we talked on the phone because i see her for about 5 minutes a day during school. just to keep in touch; sometimes we talked for a rfew minutes sometimes a few hours.
c)""This week sometime, I want to make her come by my house after school so we can get everything out in the open and talk about everything. basically what is up with her."
okay that sounds a little controlling and demanding when I read it, but she avoids problems completely, ignores them, unless someone forces her to talk about it. she avoids ANY problem - w/ parents, w/ friends w/ school... her new year's resolution was to not drop anything - her solution to any problem w/ people was to 'drop it' or 'forget about it' everytime. thus my demanding tone. but thats not happening anymore anyway.
honestly, what i think was i was just too sensitive about the two situations, the one where she acted distant and the other at the bball game. maybe i shouldve just let that drop instead of trying to force a solution or explanation out of her. also, I admit after she began giving me the cold shoulder, I acted too clingy or something; i never called her constantly or begged to hang out but whenever she did call my cell I would basically drop everything and talk to her.
maybe i did overlook the fact that she just goes through a cycle of best friends, and has relationship issues... anyway, good advice and analysis, thanks. for now i'm just not going to talk to her, and thats the truth. its really not that hard cause i see her so little during the school day anyway.
good though, tell it like it is...Some of your points I agree with, others I'm not so sure. look, i know it sounded like i was a control freak, but I really don't think thats how it is... (maybei 'm just in denial but just listen)
a)"Her best friend (who i was very good friends w/ too) kept telling me I try too hard and to give her her space."
everytime she said that I told her I was trying to give her space, and asked her how i was being too controllnig. she said i don't know. I really DIDN'T try too hard though, I called her occasionally, tried to hang out with her. maybe it was cause i was persistant but i figured her cold-shoulder treatment was just gonna be temporary. anyway i can't really explain it, but i did not call her multiple times a day or something
b)While we were best friends we would talk on the phone everyday and hang out every weekend, whether it was with a group or by ourselves."
we tried to hang out as much as possible, but it usually didn't happen because she was always so busy w/ her sport training (30 hours a week). Also we talked on the phone because i see her for about 5 minutes a day during school. just to keep in touch; sometimes we talked for a rfew minutes sometimes a few hours.
c)""This week sometime, I want to make her come by my house after school so we can get everything out in the open and talk about everything. basically what is up with her."
okay that sounds a little controlling and demanding when I read it, but she avoids problems completely, ignores them, unless someone forces her to talk about it. she avoids ANY problem - w/ parents, w/ friends w/ school... her new year's resolution was to not drop anything - her solution to any problem w/ people was to 'drop it' or 'forget about it' everytime. thus my demanding tone. but thats not happening anymore anyway.
honestly, what i think was i was just too sensitive about the two situations, the one where she acted distant and the other at the bball game. maybe i shouldve just let that drop instead of trying to force a solution or explanation out of her. also, I admit after she began giving me the cold shoulder, I acted too clingy or something; i never called her constantly or begged to hang out but whenever she did call my cell I would basically drop everything and talk to her.
maybe i did overlook the fact that she just goes through a cycle of best friends, and has relationship issues... anyway, good advice and analysis, thanks. for now i'm just not going to talk to her, and thats the truth. its really not that hard cause i see her so little during the school day anyway.
Another female vote for "give her space". Quite frankly, I think her behavior sucked and her behavior was more than just "little things". But once she has decided you are not giving her space (whether you were or were not) you can't win. Like luvly saod, back off for a while and see what happens.
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