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gimme some feedback on some writing...

Crappopotamus

Golden Member
Oct 1, 2002
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im a yearbook editor (coeditor). just wrote something for our opening/foreword and want some feedback. yay or nay? its one of the first pages so i wanna make a good impression. suggestions would be welcome. especially better time related stuff. our theme is time... pretty obvious.

On time (<dropcapped) They say it flies when you're having fun. There are good times, and tough times. People ask you if you 'remember that time?!'. They say it's money. They say high school years are your most enjoyable. Your time to fly. They 'hope you have the time of your life'. But there is always precious little of it. You never have any before class starts, and you fight against it before every project is due... time is an unstoppable force. Take a second and think back on the last year. Reminisce. It just flew by! You had just barely gotten used to writing 2003 on all your notes, and it's already 2004. Damn. It was fun though - you miss it already. As you flip through this book, we hope to bring you back to 2003-2004 for a while. Enjoy.

- the yearbook committee


i was going for something like a sinfest 'resistance' column. ive always thought those were really cool... his flows real well though. mine doesnt so much... :|
 

SackOfAllTrades

Diamond Member
May 7, 2000
4,040
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pretty good.

I would have quoted Bill Murray from Rushmore.

"Now for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you're going stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in your crosshairs. And take them down. Just remember: They can buy anything. They can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget that. Thank you."
 

Crappopotamus

Golden Member
Oct 1, 2002
1,920
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thanks, i want time related stuff man. good quote though. wait... im a rich boy. :(

MO FEEDBACK NEEDED.
 
Jan 18, 2001
14,465
1
0
Originally posted by: Crappopotamus
im a yearbook editor (coeditor). just wrote something for our opening/foreword and want some feedback. yay or nay? its one of the first pages so i wanna make a good impression. suggestions would be welcome. especially better time related stuff. our theme is time... pretty obvious.

On time They say it flies when you're having fun. There are good times, and tough times. People say 'remember that time?!'. They say it's money. They say high school years are you're most enjoyable years. You're time to fly. They 'hope you have the time of you're life'. But there is always precious little of it. You always have none before class starts. And you fight against it before every project is due. But time is an unstoppable force. Take a second and think back on the last year. Reminisce. You didn't even notice it go by! You had just barely gotten used to writing 2003 on all your notes, and BAM its already 2004. Damn. It was fun though - you miss it already. As you flip through this book, we hope to bring you back to 2003-2004 for a while. Enjoy.

- the yearbook committee
I bolded the areas that I think are the weakest. It's not bad, but you should think of this as a rough draft and rewrite it in a couple of days. Your writing will be the better for it.
 

Ness

Diamond Member
Jul 10, 2002
5,407
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0
It's kinda rough grammatically.
I'll go over it sentence by sentence for you.

On time They say it flies when you're having fun.
-Perhaps this was supposed to be 2 sentences, time was supposed to have a colon after it, or "On time" is the title. If it's a colon deal, ditch it. Replace "it" with "time." Pronouns are generic unless you've been talking about the same subject for a few sentences.

There are good times, and tough times.
-I read this sentence and say to myself "whoopdie do." Give it meaning. "There are good times, like your first date, and bad times, like when they dumped you." Not that, per se, but you get the idea.

People say 'remember that time?!'.
-If someone walked up to you and said "Remember the time?!" You would stand there waiting for them to finish the sentence. instead of "?!" put "..."

They say it's money.
-The problem here is that you are referring to a common quote. No one ever just says "It's money." You HAVE to say "time is money."

They say high school years are your most enjoyable years.
-Who? How about saying something like "Those who have been 'there and back' say that the high school years...etc."

Your time to fly.
-Another "whoopdie do." It's a statement that you put in here with no meaning. Maybe if you relocate this (it would make a great ending!) and said "It is YOUR time to fly."

They 'hope you have the time of your life'.
-who says this? when?

But there is always precious little of it.
-here's what I'm talking about with the pronoun thing again. You can't really take a saying and replace parts with pronouns.

You always have none before class starts.
-I can't count the time I've been bitched at by my teachers for saying things like this. Don't say that you have something when that something is nothing or non-existant. Just say something like "you don't have any.."

And you fight against it before every project is due.
-Don't start a sentence with and. Seriously. Don't do it.

But time is an unstoppable force.
-I was about to ask "why?" but then I relized you answered that with the examples in the previous 2 or 3 sentences. This sentence would go better before them.

Take a second and think back on the last year. Reminisce. You didn't even notice it go by!
-Are you telling me what I did and didn't do? That's a big no-no. What if I DID notice it go by? You need to say something like "Aren't the memories of last year so fresh in your mind that it seems like they happened only yesterday?"

You had just barely gotten used to writing 2003 on all your notes, and BAM its already 2004.
-Thank you, Emril. BAM! Yeah, that doesn't sound good at all unless you are saying it outloud. Take the word out.

Damn. It was fun though - you miss it already.
-Again, you can't tell me what I can do and did do. What if I'm damn happy I made it past last year?

As you flip through this book, we hope to bring you back to 2003-2004 for a while. Enjoy.
-Errr... the final sentence should be the most powerful and moving. For starters, take off the word "enjoy". Secondly... yeah, start this one from scratch. Just because its the introduction to the book doesn't mean you have to describe what people need to do, should do, etc. You could simply say "These are the treasures that we'll always look back on and something something blah blah blah and throw something about time in there."
 

RaynorWolfcastle

Diamond Member
Feb 8, 2001
8,956
0
76
I *hate* people that write like that (repeating a word). I read the first couplr of reps then I just scan forward to try to find the next useful sentence. Please, do yourself a favor and write a proper paragraph
 

Crappopotamus

Golden Member
Oct 1, 2002
1,920
0
0
Originally posted by: ness1469
It's kinda rough grammatically.
I'll go over it sentence by sentence for you.

On time They say it flies when you're having fun.
-Perhaps this was supposed to be 2 sentences, time was supposed to have a colon after it, or "On time" is the title. If it's a colon deal, ditch it. Replace "it" with "time." Pronouns are generic unless you've been talking about the same subject for a few sentences.

There are good times, and tough times.
-I read this sentence and say to myself "whoopdie do." Give it meaning. "There are good times, like your first date, and bad times, like when they dumped you." Not that, per se, but you get the idea.

People say 'remember that time?!'.
-If someone walked up to you and said "Remember the time?!" You would stand there waiting for them to finish the sentence. instead of "?!" put "..."

They say it's money.
-The problem here is that you are referring to a common quote. No one ever just says "It's money." You HAVE to say "time is money."

They say high school years are your most enjoyable years.
-Who? How about saying something like "Those who have been 'there and back' say that the high school years...etc."

Your time to fly.
-Another "whoopdie do." It's a statement that you put in here with no meaning. Maybe if you relocate this (it would make a great ending!) and said "It is YOUR time to fly."

They 'hope you have the time of your life'.
-who says this? when?

But there is always precious little of it.
-here's what I'm talking about with the pronoun thing again. You can't really take a saying and replace parts with pronouns.

You always have none before class starts.
-I can't count the time I've been bitched at by my teachers for saying things like this. Don't say that you have something when that something is nothing or non-existant. Just say something like "you don't have any.."

And you fight against it before every project is due.
-Don't start a sentence with and. Seriously. Don't do it.

But time is an unstoppable force.
-I was about to ask "why?" but then I relized you answered that with the examples in the previous 2 or 3 sentences. This sentence would go better before them.

Take a second and think back on the last year. Reminisce. You didn't even notice it go by!
-Are you telling me what I did and didn't do? That's a big no-no. What if I DID notice it go by? You need to say something like "Aren't the memories of last year so fresh in your mind that it seems like they happened only yesterday?"

You had just barely gotten used to writing 2003 on all your notes, and BAM its already 2004.
-Thank you, Emril. BAM! Yeah, that doesn't sound good at all unless you are saying it outloud. Take the word out.

Damn. It was fun though - you miss it already.
-Again, you can't tell me what I can do and did do. What if I'm damn happy I made it past last year?

As you flip through this book, we hope to bring you back to 2003-2004 for a while. Enjoy.
-Errr... the final sentence should be the most powerful and moving. For starters, take off the word "enjoy". Secondly... yeah, start this one from scratch. Just because its the introduction to the book doesn't mean you have to describe what people need to do, should do, etc. You could simply say "These are the treasures that we'll always look back on and something something blah blah blah and throw something about time in there."

mmm thanks. ill take it all into account.

with the whole 'it' usage, i was stealing sinfest mans style
On love. They say it makes the world go round. Money can't buy it. And it conquers all. They say all is fair in love and war. So make love, not war. They say the first one always has a special place in your heart. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. They say love is blind. Love is colorblind. Love is a many-colored thing. There's first love, puppy love, platonic love, unrequited love, true love, unconditional love, love at first sight, the love of your life, the one you want your mama to meet, the one that got away... So we ride through the Tunnel of Love. Make out at Lover's Lane. Say our vows at the Chapel of Love. Take a cruise on the Loveboat and reserve the Honeymoon Suite. And sometimes we gotta stay at the Heartbreak Hotel. But hey, love is a battlefield. And I'm a soldier of love.
youre definately right on the bam thing. heh.

as for telling you what you think, its a yearbook, so i kinda pick what i want them to remember (good things) ;). for the 'it went by really fast' bit, thats alluding back to 'time flies when youre having fun'. maybe i should clarify?

raynor, its not supposed to be informative. its a blurb about almost nothing. all style, no substance. heh. its an intro, what do you want?
 

RaynorWolfcastle

Diamond Member
Feb 8, 2001
8,956
0
76
raynor, its not supposed to be informative. its a blurb about almost nothing. all style, no substance. heh. its an intro, what do you want?
It was my personal opinion about that writing style in general. I intended to read your entire paragraph but instead I read only 2 and a half sentences and the last word. I suspect I'm not the only person who does that, take it for what it's worth.
 

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