- Jul 13, 2005
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"Good news from President Bush. At a press conference yesterday, he was upbeat, he was cheerful, he was optimistic. Yeah, that's right. He's drinking again. ... They say he's having a pretty good week and you got to give him credit because, earlier in the week, President Bush quietly sneaked into Iraq. Here's an idea: Why don't we quietly sneak out of Iraq?" --David Letterman
"I thought this was interesting if you look at it comparatively. President Bush sneaked quietly into Baghdad and nobody knew about it. ... Bill Clinton, on the other hand, sneaks into an intern and everybody knows about it." --David Letterman
"What a beautiful day it is here. ... It was so beautiful that earlier today down in Washington D.C. Patrick Kennedy walked into a concrete barrier." --David Letterman
"Big personnel change at the White House. ... Yesterday, President Bush's chief speech writer announced he's leaving the White House. ... His exact words were, 'Me go now.'" --Conan O'Brien
"This is a weird story. President Bush has apologized today for scolding a member of the White House press corps for wearing sunglasses because he found out the reporter is legally blind. ... Bush also apologized for telling physicist Stephen Hawking 'to get off your lazy a--.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Remember those $1,000 credit cards given to the victims of Hurricane Katrina? Congressional investigators now say FEMA was conned out of over $1.4 billion in bogus claims. Imagine how much worse it would have been if FEMA had actually gotten there on time?" --Jay Leno
"Congress is outraged by these bogus claims. Congress said, 'If people want to break the law and steal taxpayer money, hey, get elected to Congress like everybody else.'" --Jay Leno
"Speaking of Congress, the other day -- very quietly -- they voted themselves a $3,300 pay raise. Why not? Job well done. A lot of added expenses this year: legal fees, criminal defense lawyers." --Jay Leno
"President Bush returned safely from his surprise trip to Iraq. A lot of people criticize President Bush, saying he was only in Iraq for five hours. Hey, it's still five hours longer than the French were there." --Jay Leno
"Today in Iraq, the new prime minister instituted a ban on guns. Hey, good luck with that." --Jay Leno
"President Bush made another shocking surprise visit today that stunned everyone. He went to a bookstore." --Jay Leno
"What's the difference between al-Zarqawi and Patrick Kennedy? Patrick Kennedy will get bombed again." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's number one speechwriter, a man named Michael Gerson, resigned yesterday after seven years of writing speeches for the president. It's already having an effect on Mr. Bush. After turning in his resignation, Bush wished him 'the goodest of luck.'" --Jay Leno
"Republicans in the Senate have announced they are moving on from gay marriage ... to a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. ... We would join the only three other countries who have banned flag burning: China, Cuba and Iran. We can stand with our brothers on this issue." --Jay Leno
"U.S. Immigration Service is busy. They deported 2,000 illegal immigrants this week in a program they're calling 'Operation Return To Sender,' or as the program is also known, 'Operation We're Taking Away Your Gardner.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush's Iraq trip was so top secret that before he left, he lied to his Cabinet members -- told them he was going to bed early so he could read. When the Secret Service heard this, they said, 'We've got to come up with a better story.'" --Conan O'Brien
"After visiting Baghdad for five hours, President Bush told reporters that he is upbeat about Iraq. Bush's exact words were: 'Next time, I'm going to stay for six hours.'" --Conan O'Brien
"You were in Baghdad for six hours. You weren't even in the real Baghdad. You were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy." --Jon Stewart
"This is a terrible controversy. According to a new report, $1.4 billion of FEMA money for Hurricane Katrina victims was used to buy alcohol, vacations and pornography. Even worse, some of it was wasted." --Conan O'Brien
"Al Qaeda announced they've already named al-Zarqawi's replacement. His name is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. The name 'Muhajer' in Arabic means 'immigrant.' And today out of force of habit, California gave him a driver's license." --Jay Leno
"Democrats are refusing to give President Bush any credit for killing al-Zarqawi. Like today Al Gore blamed it on global warming. ... And John Kerry said of the two 500 pound bombs that hit the safe house, he voted for the first bomb -- not the second one." --Jay Leno
"More details coming out about how President Bush planned his secret trip to Iraq yesterday. President Bush was at Camp David with several members of the administration. After dinner Bush excused himself by saying, 'I'm going up to read.' Is that the most believable excuse? ... Isn't that like Bill Clinton going, 'Excuse me guys, I've got to spend some time with Hillary.'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush sneaked into Iraq without any formal paperwork, which I guess would make him an undocumented leader." --Jay Leno
"While he was there, Bush met with the Iraq's prime minister and wasted no time finding out how the new government is doing. The first thing President Bush asked the new prime minister was, 'You guys aren't allowing any of those gay marriages, are ya?'" --Jay Leno
"The sad part of President Bush's trip. He's so unpopular, he had to sneak back into this country." --Jay Leno
"The Bush administration is back. Yesterday the president made a top secret visit to Baghdad. Here's how he pulled it off: Monday, 7:45 p.m. During a post-dinner discussion of Iraq, Bush tells his aides that he's tired, saying 'I'm losing altitude. I'm going to read.' That should raise some suspicions right there, but it doesn't. The game is afoot. He slips into a waiting helicopter that whisks him to Andrews Air Force base. From there he flies to Baghdad where the Iraqi people get a taste of hand delivered democracy. Ding-dong. Get the door, it's freedom. ... Meanwhile, back here in the States, unaware citizens expect a presidential news conference in the Rose Garden thanks to a misleading schedule released by the White House press office. Now you see him and just like that, he's gone." --Stephen Colbert
"Prosecutors announced yesterday that Karl Rove will not be charged with any crimes. ... The White House was pretty relieved. President Bush told Dick Cheney, 'You can cancel that hunting trip with Karl Rove.'" --Jay Leno
"Congressional investigators say that FEMA was conned out of $1.4 billion in bogus claims including people paying for season football tickets, tropical vacations, golf outings. I'm sorry, that was Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno
"Representative Patrick Kennedy has agreed to plead guilty to driving under the influence of prescription drugs. ... There's not much you can do really. They have plenty of concrete evidence, like the fact his car was wrapped around concrete." --Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton said it is now recognized that he and Al Gore were right about global warming. Get the feeling right now Gore is going, 'We?' ... The only thing Clinton thought was hot back in the '90s was Paula Jones." --Jay Leno
"Here's the latest deal on the Hurricane Katrina / FEMA situation. FEMA's relief funds, $1.2 billion, were spent on things like a divorce, a sex change. Does this make you angry? Are you angry because you had to pay for your own divorce and your own sex change?" --David Letterman
"$1.4 billion in hurricane relief was spent on booze, was spent on vacations, spent on hookers. Well apparently, some of the folks down there got blown more than once." --David Letterman
"Have you heard about al Qaeda's new leader in Iraq, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer? This guy's everywhere. Earlier today he was on Iraq's big morning show, 'Live with Muhammad and Kelly.' Al-Muhajer was on the show promoting his new book, 'Akhmed and Me.'" --David Letterman
"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work." --David Letterman
"A few weeks ago saw the release of the documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. The title plays on movie goers' love of reality and inconvenience. The film follows Al Gore as he tours the world talking about global warming and best of all, Al Gore is powered by a potato. Gore and a fringe group of radical liberals known as 'scientists' believe that the earth is being damaged by man-made carbon dioxide. Well, bad mouth humanity all you want, but diss carbon dioxide and the Competitive Enterprise Institute is likely to open up a can of public service advertising on your a** [on screen: Institute's ads responding to 'An Inconvenient Truth' and environmentalists' attacks on carbon dioxide]. I know what you're driving at, but I really don't think science and liberals are going to outlaw breathing." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)
"A few weeks after U.S. troops dropped two 500-pound surprises on al-Zarqawi, the White House dropped a 190-pound surprise on U.S. troops in the form of a presidential visit. Said the Iraqi prime minister to the president, 'If I knew you were coming, I'd have built an infrastructure'" --Jon Stewart
"The president was here for five hours. The first fifteen minutes were spent with the new prime minister, then a quick power nap to sleep off jet lag. That took two hours. Quick chat with the troops, judged a local humus cook-off and then ... with an international flight, you kind of want to get to the airport two hours ahead. You got the check-in, security, duty free shopping. ... He picked up a bottle of perfume for Laura -- Ahmed Chalabi's 'Desperation.' It's an intoxicating blend of Sunni and Shiite aroma -- smells awful. ... Just his being there for five hours makes a statement. It told the Iraqi people, 'I'm with you. I stand behind you. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting the f**k out of here'" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry
"President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq today. It lasted five hours. Five hours? That's longer than he stayed at any National Guard meetings." --Jay Leno
"The White House planned the whole trip in total secrecy. The prime minister of Iraq was not told. The press was not told. Even President Bush was not told. In fact when he got off the plane in Baghdad he said, 'Boy, Arizona is hot.'" --Jay Leno
"Security very, very tight. They even had Dick Cheney riding shotgun." --Jay Leno
"President Bush went to Iraq to boost the new government. That shows you how rough the situation is in Iraq when a guy with 30% approval rating stops by to give you a boost." --Jay Leno
"More news coming about the death of al-Zarqawi. They say he died from complication of his lungs. They say he was smoking when they found him. Not cigarettes, he was actually smoking." --Jay Leno
"Here's something bizarre. This is absolutely true. They say when investigators were going through the rubble they found women's lingerie -- a leopard teddy. So apparently al-Zarqawi's not only a member of al Qaeda, he was a member of al-Kinky." --Jay Leno
"Finally some good news for the White House. Today federal prosecutors told Karl Rove that he will not be indicted in the CIA leak case. This is the best news for the White House since oil hit $70 a barrel." --Jay Leno
"On Monday Robert Byrd became the longest serving senator in U.S. history. He's been a senator for 48 years. Minority Leader Harry Reid called him 'a giant' and Anna Nicole Smith called him 'the bachelor.'" --Jay Leno
"As you know, the constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage got voted down last week. Here's my questions: When two guys get married, what is the bachelor party like? Do they both go?" --Jay Leno
"Ann Coulter is going to be on the show tomorrow night. Security is very tight. In fact, there is even restricted airspace over the studio. Her people are afraid that Dorothy's house could drop on her." --Jay Leno
"The Iraqi terror mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead. Warm up the virgins. ... His successor is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer and if anything happens to that guy? Russell Crowe." --David Letterman
"Iraq's prime minister has implemented some things. ... He's got a curfew. There's a ban on personal weapons and if that works, President Bush said he's going to try the same things on Dick Cheney." --David Letterman
"The big news of the day is that President Bush made his second surprise visit to Baghdad -- flew in and out. ... He sneaked in. It worked so well that they now have a secret plan to sneak a guy in and out of Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman
"Earlier today President Bush made a surprise visit to Baghdad. Apparently, the president was confused by all of the destruction, because the first thing he said was 'Hello Detroit!'" --Conan O'Brien
"Last week the U.S. eliminated Iraq's number one terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. This week al Qaeda announced his successor, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. When asked why they chose him, an al Qaeda spokesperson said, 'We have a lot of leftover stationary that says, From the Desk of Abu.'" --Conan O'Brien
"This is weird. The state of Texas has put webcams on the Mexican border so people can sit at their home computers and look for illegal aliens trying to cross into the U.S. The website is free, but it costs $5 if you want the illegal aliens to talk dirty to you." --Conan O'Brien
"In a recent interview, Al Gore's wife, Tipper, said she would support her husband if he decided to run for president again. And she said, 'There's no way I'm sitting through his movie.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Al Gore has a movie about global warming. It's called An Inconvenient Truth. It's doing surprisingly well at the box office. Even though it's only playing on like 80 screens, it actually broke the 'Top Ten' list. I guess when you have charisma like Al Gore has, people flock to you" --Jimmy Kimmel
"There's a big storm named Alberto heading towards Florida and CNN said that Florida residents should have a survival plan to take care of themselves in case, you know, FEMA shows up." --Jay Leno
"That's the name of the hurricane -- Alberto. See, I tell you something. Even these hurricanes are getting smarter. They know a Hispanic hurricane has a better chance of getting into the United States." --Jay Leno
"Here's a weather report over al-Zarqawi's safe house in Iraq: It's partly Sunni with widely scattered Shiites." --Jay Leno
"Imagine two 500 pound bombs landing on your house. That would pretty much throw your feng shui out of alignment." --Jay Leno
"Over the weekend they conducted an autopsy on this al-Zarqawi guy. Here's my question: Is that really necessary? I mean, people really wonder what he died from? You think it may be from one of those 500 pound bombs." ... Of course, analysts are all over this thing. They're now saying the real cause of Zarqawi's downfall -- signing up on MySpace." --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this al-Zarqawi? They knocked him out over the weekend and al Qaeda has chosen a new leader. His name is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Yeah, he's the new al Qaeda leader in Iraq and it's a huge step for this guy because his last job he was in charge of corporate gifting. ... They didn't waste any time. Zarqawi was killed and they named this Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, or as the special forces refer to him, 'Next'" --David Letterman
"New information has surfaced about the circumstances of Zarqawi's death. For example, it now appears Zarqawi survived the initial air strike for an estimated 52 minutes. Even hours later, Senate Majority Leader, doctor Bill Frist continued to insist, 'The man seems to respond to visual stimuli.'" --Jon Stewart
"The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can compare it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses and to establish the extent of his influence. And if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections." --Jon Stewart
"Al Qaeda wasted no time in naming Zarqawi's successor and he is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Congratulations, al-Muhajer. You're the new leader of al Qaeda in Iraq and with that comes this beautiful dinette set and a brand new Pontiac Firebird. Come on down and collect your prize. I guess we'll have to find another way to catch him. That was my idea." --Jon Stewart
"President Bush said today that illegal immigrants who come to America should learn English. He said, 'If I was moving to Canada, I would learn Canadian.'" --Jay Leno
"Last week, we did lose one of the best. Tom DeLay gave his farewell speech to the House of Representatives. A brilliant speech and I believe some day DeLay's final address to Congress will be mentioned in the same breath as the preamble to the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and the Gettysburg Address. In fact, I just did it. That some day is today." --Stephen Colbert
"I thought this was interesting if you look at it comparatively. President Bush sneaked quietly into Baghdad and nobody knew about it. ... Bill Clinton, on the other hand, sneaks into an intern and everybody knows about it." --David Letterman
"What a beautiful day it is here. ... It was so beautiful that earlier today down in Washington D.C. Patrick Kennedy walked into a concrete barrier." --David Letterman
"Big personnel change at the White House. ... Yesterday, President Bush's chief speech writer announced he's leaving the White House. ... His exact words were, 'Me go now.'" --Conan O'Brien
"This is a weird story. President Bush has apologized today for scolding a member of the White House press corps for wearing sunglasses because he found out the reporter is legally blind. ... Bush also apologized for telling physicist Stephen Hawking 'to get off your lazy a--.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Remember those $1,000 credit cards given to the victims of Hurricane Katrina? Congressional investigators now say FEMA was conned out of over $1.4 billion in bogus claims. Imagine how much worse it would have been if FEMA had actually gotten there on time?" --Jay Leno
"Congress is outraged by these bogus claims. Congress said, 'If people want to break the law and steal taxpayer money, hey, get elected to Congress like everybody else.'" --Jay Leno
"Speaking of Congress, the other day -- very quietly -- they voted themselves a $3,300 pay raise. Why not? Job well done. A lot of added expenses this year: legal fees, criminal defense lawyers." --Jay Leno
"President Bush returned safely from his surprise trip to Iraq. A lot of people criticize President Bush, saying he was only in Iraq for five hours. Hey, it's still five hours longer than the French were there." --Jay Leno
"Today in Iraq, the new prime minister instituted a ban on guns. Hey, good luck with that." --Jay Leno
"President Bush made another shocking surprise visit today that stunned everyone. He went to a bookstore." --Jay Leno
"What's the difference between al-Zarqawi and Patrick Kennedy? Patrick Kennedy will get bombed again." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's number one speechwriter, a man named Michael Gerson, resigned yesterday after seven years of writing speeches for the president. It's already having an effect on Mr. Bush. After turning in his resignation, Bush wished him 'the goodest of luck.'" --Jay Leno
"Republicans in the Senate have announced they are moving on from gay marriage ... to a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. ... We would join the only three other countries who have banned flag burning: China, Cuba and Iran. We can stand with our brothers on this issue." --Jay Leno
"U.S. Immigration Service is busy. They deported 2,000 illegal immigrants this week in a program they're calling 'Operation Return To Sender,' or as the program is also known, 'Operation We're Taking Away Your Gardner.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush's Iraq trip was so top secret that before he left, he lied to his Cabinet members -- told them he was going to bed early so he could read. When the Secret Service heard this, they said, 'We've got to come up with a better story.'" --Conan O'Brien
"After visiting Baghdad for five hours, President Bush told reporters that he is upbeat about Iraq. Bush's exact words were: 'Next time, I'm going to stay for six hours.'" --Conan O'Brien
"You were in Baghdad for six hours. You weren't even in the real Baghdad. You were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy." --Jon Stewart
"This is a terrible controversy. According to a new report, $1.4 billion of FEMA money for Hurricane Katrina victims was used to buy alcohol, vacations and pornography. Even worse, some of it was wasted." --Conan O'Brien
"Al Qaeda announced they've already named al-Zarqawi's replacement. His name is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. The name 'Muhajer' in Arabic means 'immigrant.' And today out of force of habit, California gave him a driver's license." --Jay Leno
"Democrats are refusing to give President Bush any credit for killing al-Zarqawi. Like today Al Gore blamed it on global warming. ... And John Kerry said of the two 500 pound bombs that hit the safe house, he voted for the first bomb -- not the second one." --Jay Leno
"More details coming out about how President Bush planned his secret trip to Iraq yesterday. President Bush was at Camp David with several members of the administration. After dinner Bush excused himself by saying, 'I'm going up to read.' Is that the most believable excuse? ... Isn't that like Bill Clinton going, 'Excuse me guys, I've got to spend some time with Hillary.'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush sneaked into Iraq without any formal paperwork, which I guess would make him an undocumented leader." --Jay Leno
"While he was there, Bush met with the Iraq's prime minister and wasted no time finding out how the new government is doing. The first thing President Bush asked the new prime minister was, 'You guys aren't allowing any of those gay marriages, are ya?'" --Jay Leno
"The sad part of President Bush's trip. He's so unpopular, he had to sneak back into this country." --Jay Leno
"The Bush administration is back. Yesterday the president made a top secret visit to Baghdad. Here's how he pulled it off: Monday, 7:45 p.m. During a post-dinner discussion of Iraq, Bush tells his aides that he's tired, saying 'I'm losing altitude. I'm going to read.' That should raise some suspicions right there, but it doesn't. The game is afoot. He slips into a waiting helicopter that whisks him to Andrews Air Force base. From there he flies to Baghdad where the Iraqi people get a taste of hand delivered democracy. Ding-dong. Get the door, it's freedom. ... Meanwhile, back here in the States, unaware citizens expect a presidential news conference in the Rose Garden thanks to a misleading schedule released by the White House press office. Now you see him and just like that, he's gone." --Stephen Colbert
"Prosecutors announced yesterday that Karl Rove will not be charged with any crimes. ... The White House was pretty relieved. President Bush told Dick Cheney, 'You can cancel that hunting trip with Karl Rove.'" --Jay Leno
"Congressional investigators say that FEMA was conned out of $1.4 billion in bogus claims including people paying for season football tickets, tropical vacations, golf outings. I'm sorry, that was Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno
"Representative Patrick Kennedy has agreed to plead guilty to driving under the influence of prescription drugs. ... There's not much you can do really. They have plenty of concrete evidence, like the fact his car was wrapped around concrete." --Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton said it is now recognized that he and Al Gore were right about global warming. Get the feeling right now Gore is going, 'We?' ... The only thing Clinton thought was hot back in the '90s was Paula Jones." --Jay Leno
"Here's the latest deal on the Hurricane Katrina / FEMA situation. FEMA's relief funds, $1.2 billion, were spent on things like a divorce, a sex change. Does this make you angry? Are you angry because you had to pay for your own divorce and your own sex change?" --David Letterman
"$1.4 billion in hurricane relief was spent on booze, was spent on vacations, spent on hookers. Well apparently, some of the folks down there got blown more than once." --David Letterman
"Have you heard about al Qaeda's new leader in Iraq, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer? This guy's everywhere. Earlier today he was on Iraq's big morning show, 'Live with Muhammad and Kelly.' Al-Muhajer was on the show promoting his new book, 'Akhmed and Me.'" --David Letterman
"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work." --David Letterman
"A few weeks ago saw the release of the documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. The title plays on movie goers' love of reality and inconvenience. The film follows Al Gore as he tours the world talking about global warming and best of all, Al Gore is powered by a potato. Gore and a fringe group of radical liberals known as 'scientists' believe that the earth is being damaged by man-made carbon dioxide. Well, bad mouth humanity all you want, but diss carbon dioxide and the Competitive Enterprise Institute is likely to open up a can of public service advertising on your a** [on screen: Institute's ads responding to 'An Inconvenient Truth' and environmentalists' attacks on carbon dioxide]. I know what you're driving at, but I really don't think science and liberals are going to outlaw breathing." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)
"A few weeks after U.S. troops dropped two 500-pound surprises on al-Zarqawi, the White House dropped a 190-pound surprise on U.S. troops in the form of a presidential visit. Said the Iraqi prime minister to the president, 'If I knew you were coming, I'd have built an infrastructure'" --Jon Stewart
"The president was here for five hours. The first fifteen minutes were spent with the new prime minister, then a quick power nap to sleep off jet lag. That took two hours. Quick chat with the troops, judged a local humus cook-off and then ... with an international flight, you kind of want to get to the airport two hours ahead. You got the check-in, security, duty free shopping. ... He picked up a bottle of perfume for Laura -- Ahmed Chalabi's 'Desperation.' It's an intoxicating blend of Sunni and Shiite aroma -- smells awful. ... Just his being there for five hours makes a statement. It told the Iraqi people, 'I'm with you. I stand behind you. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting the f**k out of here'" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry
"President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq today. It lasted five hours. Five hours? That's longer than he stayed at any National Guard meetings." --Jay Leno
"The White House planned the whole trip in total secrecy. The prime minister of Iraq was not told. The press was not told. Even President Bush was not told. In fact when he got off the plane in Baghdad he said, 'Boy, Arizona is hot.'" --Jay Leno
"Security very, very tight. They even had Dick Cheney riding shotgun." --Jay Leno
"President Bush went to Iraq to boost the new government. That shows you how rough the situation is in Iraq when a guy with 30% approval rating stops by to give you a boost." --Jay Leno
"More news coming about the death of al-Zarqawi. They say he died from complication of his lungs. They say he was smoking when they found him. Not cigarettes, he was actually smoking." --Jay Leno
"Here's something bizarre. This is absolutely true. They say when investigators were going through the rubble they found women's lingerie -- a leopard teddy. So apparently al-Zarqawi's not only a member of al Qaeda, he was a member of al-Kinky." --Jay Leno
"Finally some good news for the White House. Today federal prosecutors told Karl Rove that he will not be indicted in the CIA leak case. This is the best news for the White House since oil hit $70 a barrel." --Jay Leno
"On Monday Robert Byrd became the longest serving senator in U.S. history. He's been a senator for 48 years. Minority Leader Harry Reid called him 'a giant' and Anna Nicole Smith called him 'the bachelor.'" --Jay Leno
"As you know, the constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage got voted down last week. Here's my questions: When two guys get married, what is the bachelor party like? Do they both go?" --Jay Leno
"Ann Coulter is going to be on the show tomorrow night. Security is very tight. In fact, there is even restricted airspace over the studio. Her people are afraid that Dorothy's house could drop on her." --Jay Leno
"The Iraqi terror mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead. Warm up the virgins. ... His successor is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer and if anything happens to that guy? Russell Crowe." --David Letterman
"Iraq's prime minister has implemented some things. ... He's got a curfew. There's a ban on personal weapons and if that works, President Bush said he's going to try the same things on Dick Cheney." --David Letterman
"The big news of the day is that President Bush made his second surprise visit to Baghdad -- flew in and out. ... He sneaked in. It worked so well that they now have a secret plan to sneak a guy in and out of Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman
"Earlier today President Bush made a surprise visit to Baghdad. Apparently, the president was confused by all of the destruction, because the first thing he said was 'Hello Detroit!'" --Conan O'Brien
"Last week the U.S. eliminated Iraq's number one terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. This week al Qaeda announced his successor, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. When asked why they chose him, an al Qaeda spokesperson said, 'We have a lot of leftover stationary that says, From the Desk of Abu.'" --Conan O'Brien
"This is weird. The state of Texas has put webcams on the Mexican border so people can sit at their home computers and look for illegal aliens trying to cross into the U.S. The website is free, but it costs $5 if you want the illegal aliens to talk dirty to you." --Conan O'Brien
"In a recent interview, Al Gore's wife, Tipper, said she would support her husband if he decided to run for president again. And she said, 'There's no way I'm sitting through his movie.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Al Gore has a movie about global warming. It's called An Inconvenient Truth. It's doing surprisingly well at the box office. Even though it's only playing on like 80 screens, it actually broke the 'Top Ten' list. I guess when you have charisma like Al Gore has, people flock to you" --Jimmy Kimmel
"There's a big storm named Alberto heading towards Florida and CNN said that Florida residents should have a survival plan to take care of themselves in case, you know, FEMA shows up." --Jay Leno
"That's the name of the hurricane -- Alberto. See, I tell you something. Even these hurricanes are getting smarter. They know a Hispanic hurricane has a better chance of getting into the United States." --Jay Leno
"Here's a weather report over al-Zarqawi's safe house in Iraq: It's partly Sunni with widely scattered Shiites." --Jay Leno
"Imagine two 500 pound bombs landing on your house. That would pretty much throw your feng shui out of alignment." --Jay Leno
"Over the weekend they conducted an autopsy on this al-Zarqawi guy. Here's my question: Is that really necessary? I mean, people really wonder what he died from? You think it may be from one of those 500 pound bombs." ... Of course, analysts are all over this thing. They're now saying the real cause of Zarqawi's downfall -- signing up on MySpace." --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this al-Zarqawi? They knocked him out over the weekend and al Qaeda has chosen a new leader. His name is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Yeah, he's the new al Qaeda leader in Iraq and it's a huge step for this guy because his last job he was in charge of corporate gifting. ... They didn't waste any time. Zarqawi was killed and they named this Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, or as the special forces refer to him, 'Next'" --David Letterman
"New information has surfaced about the circumstances of Zarqawi's death. For example, it now appears Zarqawi survived the initial air strike for an estimated 52 minutes. Even hours later, Senate Majority Leader, doctor Bill Frist continued to insist, 'The man seems to respond to visual stimuli.'" --Jon Stewart
"The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can compare it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses and to establish the extent of his influence. And if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections." --Jon Stewart
"Al Qaeda wasted no time in naming Zarqawi's successor and he is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Congratulations, al-Muhajer. You're the new leader of al Qaeda in Iraq and with that comes this beautiful dinette set and a brand new Pontiac Firebird. Come on down and collect your prize. I guess we'll have to find another way to catch him. That was my idea." --Jon Stewart
"President Bush said today that illegal immigrants who come to America should learn English. He said, 'If I was moving to Canada, I would learn Canadian.'" --Jay Leno
"Last week, we did lose one of the best. Tom DeLay gave his farewell speech to the House of Representatives. A brilliant speech and I believe some day DeLay's final address to Congress will be mentioned in the same breath as the preamble to the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and the Gettysburg Address. In fact, I just did it. That some day is today." --Stephen Colbert
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