Funny email from our CIO

amddude

Golden Member
Mar 9, 2006
1,711
1
81
From the Desk of the CIO:

After much review and careful financial consideration (and also because I beat <ceo> 2 out of 3 in an arm wrestling match), we will be undertaking an endeavor to upgrade the aged and deteriorating fleet of business laptops and desktops. With all of the various acquisitions of business entities over the past many years, we have all had one thing in common; a shared despair; under-investment in business PC equipment.

Over the next 10 months, we&#8217;ll deploy a small horde of equipment (well, it&#8217;ll seem like a small horde after the past few years) to selected, privileged, obedient, deserving, and smart, employees across the company.

We will be using a complex and undecipherable formula/method of determining need and will allocate based upon that highly surreptitious algorithm (see hints at the end of this message, below). No whining, bleating, pleading, begging, appealing, imploring, fussing, griping, moaning, or bellyaching please. Complaining will only push you further down in the list (perhaps, and likely, even to the bottom).

Of course, if you are caught attempting to circumvent the process and damage or otherwise disable (or render useless/bootless) your existing ancient computing device, you will be flogged publically with a cat-o-nine-patch-cables and put at the end of the waiting list. Don&#8217;t make the mistake of thinking you can avoid detection, even if we have a sneaking suspicion of any malfeasance or misdirection, we&#8217;ll just arbitrarily condemn you to wander aimlessly through life (and work) with your broken, useless, and pathetically under-powered PC. Further, violators will have their picture posted on the Intranet Web-Wall of Shame (coming soon to an Intranet site near you), so that others (obviously more deserving than a weasel like you) can mock, harass, taunt, rag on, and torment you for trying to &#8220;jump ahead&#8221; in line.

For those of you who feel that this process is unfair and inequitable, and that the very nature of this arbitrary means of asset allocation isn&#8217;t transparent enough, I say to you: tough. IT is a challenging, thankless occupation and the very thought of having ultimate, unchallenged dominion (the province of the petty bureaucrat) over the happiness and satisfaction of each and every employee of this company, quite frankly sends a thrill up my leg (now I know how you feel, Chris Matthews&#8230;).

Also, as the process of PC deployment is a time consuming and resource intensive undertaking, the velocity of new equipment deployment is inversely proportional to the number of Help Desk calls that you pathetic, intellectually-challenged, needy, whiney, cry babies (and you know who you are) make to the IT group. So wise-up people, the more you interrupt us with your inane, idiotic, and mindless requests, the longer it will take for you to get your sleek, new, shiny, fast, multi-core, enough-to-make-your-co-workers-jealous, compute engine. So, before you pick up the phone, consult the attached Help Desk Self-Help flowchart.

Of course, we do take bribes financial or foodstuff-based performance incentives in many forms, including any or all of the following: doughnuts, bagels, Hartland outside BBQs, cash (duh!), contributions to our Take-A-Deserving-IT-Person-To-Lunch-At-Least-Once-A-Week (and they ALL deserve it) program, gift cards, travelers cheques, gold, first-born children (only if they have an income), and/or airline tickets to exotic destinations. Remember, the smart (there&#8217;s that word again) employee donates early and often!

<cio>


Here was his attachment:
flowcharth.jpg
 
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D1gger

Diamond Member
Oct 3, 2004
5,411
2
76
Well written and funny, but unless it is a small firm where he knows everyone reasonably well, it seems a little unprofessional.
 

amddude

Golden Member
Mar 9, 2006
1,711
1
81
Well written and funny, but unless it is a small firm where he knows everyone reasonably well, it seems a little unprofessional.

A lot of people were on this email. I'd say nearly the entire company, min 500 people.
 

rivan

Diamond Member
Jul 8, 2003
9,677
3
81
Seems like your CIO needs more responsibilities, if he's got time to write something like that.
 

kranky

Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
21,019
156
106
I liked the informal tone but it went on too long and became repetitive. Notice how many adjectives strung together and how many parenthetical asides there are.

The flowchart was out of place with respect to the message of the email - it just didn't relate.

Also, making fun of your own group=OK, but making fun of the group you serve=not OK.

It would have made a very funny speech at an informal department lunch. It just went on too long for an informational email.
 

Homerboy

Lifer
Mar 1, 2000
30,890
5,001
126
while funny and all, I just don't see that as going well with a good number of people.
He literally says "tough" to those people that don't agree with the process? Says they take BRIBES?

Oh my oh my....

Edit: Also, in the bottom right of the flowchart, after "Ive tried them all" he gives up the golden secret to all IT work!!! He should be ostracized.
 

BoomerD

No Lifer
Feb 26, 2006
65,235
13,495
146
The guy comes across in that email as a condescending dick...but he DOES make light about the process, mentioning just about all of the normal assumptions about how the equipment is allocated...
 

Saint Nick

Lifer
Jan 21, 2005
17,722
6
81
If my CIO wrote that...I'd be like wow how does he have a job. I work for a company with over 1,000,000 employees...
 

olds

Elite Member
Mar 3, 2000
50,085
766
126
Imageshack is blocked at work.
Thank god for Firefox to phone.
 

skace

Lifer
Jan 23, 2001
14,488
7
81
At least it had some humor in it, most upper emails are incredibly boring to read.
 

SoulAssassin

Diamond Member
Feb 1, 2001
6,135
2
0
Funny and borderline professional until he called the end users pathetic which definitely crosses the line.
 

xSauronx

Lifer
Jul 14, 2000
19,582
4
81
The guy comes across in that email as a condescending dick...but he DOES make light about the process, mentioning just about all of the normal assumptions about how the equipment is allocated...

indeed. managing that kind of deployment is such a bitch, as is dealing with people who dont get a computer first. its maddening...but i cant imagein anyone actually sending that out to people

i tried to explain to a dept a few months ago why they werent all getting new pcs at the same time....they kept bitching so i just left. let them argue, its not fast, easy or cheap to replace 6000 workstations
 

AMCRambler

Diamond Member
Jan 23, 2001
7,711
30
91
Our pc replacements are done department by department. Why wait 5 years and then kill yourself doing them all at once? Cripes.
 

jtvang125

Diamond Member
Nov 10, 2004
5,399
51
91
pathetic, intellectually-challenged, needy, whiney, cry babies (and you know who you are) make to the IT group. So wise-up people, the more you interrupt us with your inane, idiotic, and mindless requests

How does he get away with saying this?