- Mar 9, 2006
- 1,711
- 1
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From the Desk of the CIO:
After much review and careful financial consideration (and also because I beat <ceo> 2 out of 3 in an arm wrestling match), we will be undertaking an endeavor to upgrade the aged and deteriorating fleet of business laptops and desktops. With all of the various acquisitions of business entities over the past many years, we have all had one thing in common; a shared despair; under-investment in business PC equipment.
Over the next 10 months, we’ll deploy a small horde of equipment (well, it’ll seem like a small horde after the past few years) to selected, privileged, obedient, deserving, and smart, employees across the company.
We will be using a complex and undecipherable formula/method of determining need and will allocate based upon that highly surreptitious algorithm (see hints at the end of this message, below). No whining, bleating, pleading, begging, appealing, imploring, fussing, griping, moaning, or bellyaching please. Complaining will only push you further down in the list (perhaps, and likely, even to the bottom).
Of course, if you are caught attempting to circumvent the process and damage or otherwise disable (or render useless/bootless) your existing ancient computing device, you will be flogged publically with a cat-o-nine-patch-cables and put at the end of the waiting list. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can avoid detection, even if we have a sneaking suspicion of any malfeasance or misdirection, we’ll just arbitrarily condemn you to wander aimlessly through life (and work) with your broken, useless, and pathetically under-powered PC. Further, violators will have their picture posted on the Intranet Web-Wall of Shame (coming soon to an Intranet site near you), so that others (obviously more deserving than a weasel like you) can mock, harass, taunt, rag on, and torment you for trying to “jump ahead” in line.
For those of you who feel that this process is unfair and inequitable, and that the very nature of this arbitrary means of asset allocation isn’t transparent enough, I say to you: tough. IT is a challenging, thankless occupation and the very thought of having ultimate, unchallenged dominion (the province of the petty bureaucrat) over the happiness and satisfaction of each and every employee of this company, quite frankly sends a thrill up my leg (now I know how you feel, Chris Matthews…
.
Also, as the process of PC deployment is a time consuming and resource intensive undertaking, the velocity of new equipment deployment is inversely proportional to the number of Help Desk calls that you pathetic, intellectually-challenged, needy, whiney, cry babies (and you know who you are) make to the IT group. So wise-up people, the more you interrupt us with your inane, idiotic, and mindless requests, the longer it will take for you to get your sleek, new, shiny, fast, multi-core, enough-to-make-your-co-workers-jealous, compute engine. So, before you pick up the phone, consult the attached Help Desk Self-Help flowchart.
Of course, we do take bribes financial or foodstuff-based performance incentives in many forms, including any or all of the following: doughnuts, bagels, Hartland outside BBQs, cash (duh!), contributions to our Take-A-Deserving-IT-Person-To-Lunch-At-Least-Once-A-Week (and they ALL deserve it) program, gift cards, travelers cheques, gold, first-born children (only if they have an income), and/or airline tickets to exotic destinations. Remember, the smart (there’s that word again) employee donates early and often!
<cio>
Here was his attachment:
After much review and careful financial consideration (and also because I beat <ceo> 2 out of 3 in an arm wrestling match), we will be undertaking an endeavor to upgrade the aged and deteriorating fleet of business laptops and desktops. With all of the various acquisitions of business entities over the past many years, we have all had one thing in common; a shared despair; under-investment in business PC equipment.
Over the next 10 months, we’ll deploy a small horde of equipment (well, it’ll seem like a small horde after the past few years) to selected, privileged, obedient, deserving, and smart, employees across the company.
We will be using a complex and undecipherable formula/method of determining need and will allocate based upon that highly surreptitious algorithm (see hints at the end of this message, below). No whining, bleating, pleading, begging, appealing, imploring, fussing, griping, moaning, or bellyaching please. Complaining will only push you further down in the list (perhaps, and likely, even to the bottom).
Of course, if you are caught attempting to circumvent the process and damage or otherwise disable (or render useless/bootless) your existing ancient computing device, you will be flogged publically with a cat-o-nine-patch-cables and put at the end of the waiting list. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can avoid detection, even if we have a sneaking suspicion of any malfeasance or misdirection, we’ll just arbitrarily condemn you to wander aimlessly through life (and work) with your broken, useless, and pathetically under-powered PC. Further, violators will have their picture posted on the Intranet Web-Wall of Shame (coming soon to an Intranet site near you), so that others (obviously more deserving than a weasel like you) can mock, harass, taunt, rag on, and torment you for trying to “jump ahead” in line.
For those of you who feel that this process is unfair and inequitable, and that the very nature of this arbitrary means of asset allocation isn’t transparent enough, I say to you: tough. IT is a challenging, thankless occupation and the very thought of having ultimate, unchallenged dominion (the province of the petty bureaucrat) over the happiness and satisfaction of each and every employee of this company, quite frankly sends a thrill up my leg (now I know how you feel, Chris Matthews…
Also, as the process of PC deployment is a time consuming and resource intensive undertaking, the velocity of new equipment deployment is inversely proportional to the number of Help Desk calls that you pathetic, intellectually-challenged, needy, whiney, cry babies (and you know who you are) make to the IT group. So wise-up people, the more you interrupt us with your inane, idiotic, and mindless requests, the longer it will take for you to get your sleek, new, shiny, fast, multi-core, enough-to-make-your-co-workers-jealous, compute engine. So, before you pick up the phone, consult the attached Help Desk Self-Help flowchart.
Of course, we do take bribes financial or foodstuff-based performance incentives in many forms, including any or all of the following: doughnuts, bagels, Hartland outside BBQs, cash (duh!), contributions to our Take-A-Deserving-IT-Person-To-Lunch-At-Least-Once-A-Week (and they ALL deserve it) program, gift cards, travelers cheques, gold, first-born children (only if they have an income), and/or airline tickets to exotic destinations. Remember, the smart (there’s that word again) employee donates early and often!
<cio>
Here was his attachment:

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