- Sep 25, 2000
- 22,135
- 5
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Aircraft Maintenace
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance squawks (AKA
complaints and problems) alledgedly submitted by Quantas Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks,
maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots squawks.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot; S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - #2 propellar seeping prop fluid
S - #2 propellar seepage normal -- #1,3,and 4
propellars lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!
P - IFF inoperative
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.
P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten Up, Fly Right,
and Be Serious"
P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.
Best Lines After a Bad Landing
The following are some of the best lines used after less than spectacular landings:
Flight Attendant: We ask that you remain seated while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a particularly windy and bumpy day in Amarillo, Texas:
Flight Attendant: Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our plane into the gate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the cockpit crew, seeking to shift the blame for their "firm" arrival:
Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the Captain's fault, it wasn't the plane's faulst, it was the asphalt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From a little old grandmotherly lady upon greeting the crew at the cockpit door after a particularly rough landing:
Excuse me, but did we land, or were we shot down.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Flight Attendant Announcement:
Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all painfully aware, we have arrived in Seattle. Thanks for flying with us and be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard at a small commuter airline:
Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at "XYZ" airlines. Next time I'll try to lose your luggage.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Between a Student Pilot and his Flight Instructor (though not at SUNY, I'm sure):
Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles an hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches.
6 MEASLEY INCHES!
Get off my back, man!
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance squawks (AKA
complaints and problems) alledgedly submitted by Quantas Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks,
maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots squawks.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot; S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - #2 propellar seeping prop fluid
S - #2 propellar seepage normal -- #1,3,and 4
propellars lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!
P - IFF inoperative
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.
P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten Up, Fly Right,
and Be Serious"
P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.
Best Lines After a Bad Landing
The following are some of the best lines used after less than spectacular landings:
Flight Attendant: We ask that you remain seated while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a particularly windy and bumpy day in Amarillo, Texas:
Flight Attendant: Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our plane into the gate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the cockpit crew, seeking to shift the blame for their "firm" arrival:
Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the Captain's fault, it wasn't the plane's faulst, it was the asphalt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From a little old grandmotherly lady upon greeting the crew at the cockpit door after a particularly rough landing:
Excuse me, but did we land, or were we shot down.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Flight Attendant Announcement:
Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all painfully aware, we have arrived in Seattle. Thanks for flying with us and be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard at a small commuter airline:
Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at "XYZ" airlines. Next time I'll try to lose your luggage.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Between a Student Pilot and his Flight Instructor (though not at SUNY, I'm sure):
Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles an hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches.
6 MEASLEY INCHES!
Get off my back, man!
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