Funniest Joke

[FredFredrickson]

I know it's been done before, but I always get a good kick out of the hilarious jokes you guys post...
So whats the funniest joke you've heard in a while?
Mine is...

There's a kid and an old man who happen to be standing next to each other in a store, and the kid pulls some candy out of his pocket and starts eating away. The old man says to him, "You know, kid... You really shouldn't eat that candy. You won't live that long!"
So the kid stops eating for a second and looks up at the old man and says, "My grandpa lived to be 100 years old!"
So the old man asks, "Did your grandpa eat lots of candy?"
And the kid says, "No, but he minded his own damn business!"

 

[Mrfrog840]

oldie but goodie

 

[Zim Hosein]

Haha

 

[Skel]

 

[Lithium381]

Originally posted by: Mrfrog840
oldie but goodie

 

[Placer14]

So this blonde is driving down the road in the middle of nowhere...when passing one of the wheat fields, she notices another blonde in a boat rowing away in the wheat. The blonde, upon seeing this, get incredibly pissed and pulls her car over and yells out to the blonde in the boat, "HEY YOU!" The blonde in the boat stands up and points to herself.

"Yea you!! You know, it's blondes like you that give us a bad name!!" Shaking her fist..."And if I could swim, I'm come out there and kick your ass!"

 

[profet]

Originally posted by: Placer14
So this blonde is driving down the road in the middle of nowhere...when passing one of the wheat fields, she notices another blonde in a boat rowing away in the wheat. The blonde, upon seeing this, get incredibly pissed and pulls her car over and yells out to the blonde in the boat, "HEY YOU!" The blonde in the boat stands up and points to herself.

"Yea you!! You know, it's blondes like you that give us a bad name!!" Shaking her fist..."And if I could swim, I'm come out there and kick your ass!"

thats the best blonde joke i've ever seen

thanks

 

[biggiesmallz]

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and the go back to her place. "You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out, they'll kill us!" Things start getting a little heated on the sofa, but after a while, alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go." He says. "Well you can't go upstairs, its right next to my parent's bedroom." she replies. "Use the kitchen sink." So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks, "Do you have any toilet paper?"

 

[alrocky]

I'd guess there's no second date on that last story.

 

[schizoid]

Originally posted by: alrocky
I'd guess there's no second date on that last story.

Nah, it's all good. Seriously, that happened to me once on a date. But it's no biggie. Just use your hand.

 

[psianime]

Humm...i had to read it twice. it must be slow...

-psianime

 

[LSUfan]

Alphonse and Boudreaux are going down the bayou in their new motor boat when they hit a log. The motor came off and sunk to the bottom of the bayou. Alphonse said well I guess I will swim down there and get it. So he jumped in. He came up one minute later empty handed. He told boudreaux I almost got it. H e goes down again this time for two minutes and again comes up empty handed. He says again almost got it and goes back under. This time he is down for a long time and Boudreaux starts to get worried about his friend so he takes some goggles and looks down in the water. He sees Alphonse on the his bottom pulling on the start rope. Well boudreaux just starts laughing at how stupid his friend is. After gaining his composure he sticks his face in the water and yells "you forgot to choke it stupid"......

 

[iwearnosox]

Have you heard that Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce?

Yes, it's very sad, but Mickey went to see a divorce lawyer and explained what was
going on and why he wanted a divorce. The attorney was shocked and told Mickey
that he would have to do some checking and for Mickey to come back in a week.

The following week Mickey showed up and the attorney told him, "I've been
investigating your allegations and I don't think that you can prove that
Minnie is crazy."

"Crazy?" Mickey asked. "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f*cking Goofy!"

 

[iwearnosox]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

 

[SWScorch]

Two sausages are cooking in a very hot frying pan. One sausage turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or is it hot in here?" The other sausage goes "Aaaahhh!!! A talking sausage!!"

*Ba-doom ching!"

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

"booo"

How do you make a clown stop laughing?

Hit him in the face with an axe.

"Thrown tomatoes"

A pirate walks into a bar, and strolls up to the bar for a drink.
The bartender looks at him and says 'Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate looks at him and says "Arrrrrrrr, it's drivin me nuts!"

 

[Scarpozzi]

And now....Scarpozzi's contribution:
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children.A blind man joins them after a few minutes.When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man eplies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut the hell up!!!!"

 

[wfbberzerker]

A pirate walks into a bar, and strolls up to the bar for a drink.
The bartender looks at him and says 'Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate looks at him and says "Arrrrrrrr, it's drivin me nuts!"

bwahahahha

 

[ZOXXO]

Two men walk into a bar.

That's strange, you'd think the second one would have ducked.

 

[pillage2001]

Originally posted by: Scarpozzi
And now....Scarpozzi's contribution:
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children.A blind man joins them after a few minutes.When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man eplies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut the hell up!!!!"

Best joke EVAAAAARRRRRRR

 

[HombrePequeno]

Two cannibals are eating a clown...One cannibal looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"







Get it?

 

[Zim Hosein]

Originally posted by: HombrePequeno
Two cannibals are eating a clown...One cannibal looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Get it?

Hehe