Funney Quotes
- Thread starter cgclausen
- Start date
thraashman
Lifer
- Apr 10, 2000
- 11,112
- 1,585
- 126
"Suppose you were and idiot, and suppose you were a member of congress. But then I repeat myself"
-Mark Twain
-Mark Twain
Here you go, actual quotes
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
---Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not
live forever."
---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest: (so do you think
she won with an answer like that?)
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. . . The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember
what they are."
---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the
law."
---David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor, answering
accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life."
---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for a federal anti-smoking campaign (she and Miss Alabama should
go shopping)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
---Winston Bennett, former U. of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country."
---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
"Beginning in February, 1976, your assistance benefits will be
discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you
expired on January 1, 1976."
---Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. . . the
century's history. . . We all lived in this century, I didn't live in
this 20th century."
---Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican
vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he
was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
"Rotarians, be patriotic. Learn to shoot yourself."
---Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make
them unsafe."
---Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are
vastly underpolluted."
---Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank,
explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World
countries.
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,
the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of
David Steele to the post."
---Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, R.I.
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
---Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head
by a ball in the 1934 World Series
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
---Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not
live forever."
---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest: (so do you think
she won with an answer like that?)
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. . . The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember
what they are."
---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the
law."
---David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor, answering
accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life."
---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for a federal anti-smoking campaign (she and Miss Alabama should
go shopping)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
---Winston Bennett, former U. of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country."
---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
"Beginning in February, 1976, your assistance benefits will be
discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you
expired on January 1, 1976."
---Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. . . the
century's history. . . We all lived in this century, I didn't live in
this 20th century."
---Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican
vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he
was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
"Rotarians, be patriotic. Learn to shoot yourself."
---Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make
them unsafe."
---Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are
vastly underpolluted."
---Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank,
explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World
countries.
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,
the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of
David Steele to the post."
---Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, R.I.
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
---Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head
by a ball in the 1934 World Series
"Oh Mary, I desperately want to make love to a school girl" - Loyd Christmas played by Jim Carrey in the movie Dumb and Dumber
"I want to goto some place where the beer flows likw wine, some place where its warm, Aspen." - Loyd
"I dont know, the French are assholes" - Harry played by Jeff Daniels
Actually that whole movie is a funny quote.
Then there is:
"I know who took those lunches, it was that darn sasquatch" said by some old lady in Billy Madison
"I want to goto some place where the beer flows likw wine, some place where its warm, Aspen." - Loyd
"I dont know, the French are assholes" - Harry played by Jeff Daniels
Actually that whole movie is a funny quote.
Then there is:
"I know who took those lunches, it was that darn sasquatch" said by some old lady in Billy Madison
Quote:
"This is over your head, and under my butt" from Beavis and ButtHead. I love saying that to people that ask really bad computer questions when the act like they already know everything.
I also like when someone asks me "where did you get that?" My favorite responce is "The internet, that is where everything is"
"This is over your head, and under my butt" from Beavis and ButtHead. I love saying that to people that ask really bad computer questions when the act like they already know everything.
I also like when someone asks me "where did you get that?" My favorite responce is "The internet, that is where everything is"
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