Ok, this is a little long so bear with me....also if you can't take a joke, stop reading now. 🙂
The Complete Military History of France
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."
- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to
ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that
eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
- The Dutch War - Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of
French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France
only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
For a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to
Not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces
forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces
the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians,
Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
surrender to North Korean ambassador fail after he takes refuge
in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
On France
France: Continuing to lead the world in pastries, dead Impressionists, And people who really do think they matter.
Do not worry, France will always be with the U.S. when they need the U.S.
